


Branches

by Mockingone



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Dimension Travel, Evil Doers Beware, Gender Changes, Humor, Kakashi Freaks Out, Karma is a Nice Lady, OP Sharingan is OP, Trees Hate Kakashi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 21:46:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2166312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mockingone/pseuds/Mockingone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi falls off a tree and lands in a different world. Literally. Now he's in a dimension where nothing makes sense—but he's used to that. Kakashi plans to wreck as much havoc as he can and find his way home . . . if he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Talking to Trees

One minute Kakashi was standing in a tree, and the next minute he was on a roof.

Now, Kakashi wasn't exactly normal himself, but even he knew that random teleporting was pretty unusual. The baffled shinobi looked around, trying to pinpoint his location.

"Huh," he said. "Fuck." Slowly, methodically, Kakashi worked his way through every insult and profane word he could think of. After he finished insulting the parentage of everyone in listening range, Kakashi took a deep breath.

"Alright," he mumbled to himself. "There has to be an explanation for this. Either someone decided to deface the monument by removing every Hokage after the fourth, or I'm trapped in a genjutsu. And since Naruto's not in Konoha at the moment, it's probably the second."

Kakashi flared his chakra wildly and blinked. Nothing changed. Odd. Why didn't that break the genjutsu? he wondered. Tsukiyomi? No, everything isn't red and black, and I'm not being tortured at the moment.

"Senpai! What's wrong?" Kakashi turned to see . . . Tenzo?

"Tenzo, what are you doing here?" Actually, why were any of them here? Weren't they supposed to be fighting a war at the moment?

"Are you alright? I felt your chakra from the other side of the village!" His younger friend's signature emanated worry. Kakashi squinted in response. Wait, Tenzo looked way too young. Weird.

He frowned as he raised his hita-ate. Why did he only have one Sharingan now? What happened to his other one? The world came into sharp focus as he scanned the surrounding area. Everything looked fine—and genjutsu free.

Sighing, Kakashi laconically drew a kunai. Tenzo stiffened but looked on with wary curiosity. Without a trace of hesitation, Kakashi plunged the weapon into his own arm. Pain was another effective way of dispelling most genjutsu, if you were controlling the pain.

"Senpai!?"

Kakashi ignored him and stabbed his leg with the kunai. He could feel the pain quite clearly. He poked the wound and examined the blood. It definitely felt real. He was about to try again, but Tenzo grabbed his wrist.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Stabbing myself. Isn't that obvious?" he said blandly.

"Wh-why?"

"I like pointy objects. Now, if you'll excuse me." Kakashi prepared to flicker away, but a sudden hand on his shirt stopped that action. Reflexively, he twisted the hand and tossed the culprit onto the floor.

"Sorry Tenzo!" Kakashi said cheerfully. He hopped down from the rooftop and cast a henge, now appearing as a nondescript shinobi. His leg and arm throbbed, and Kakashi grimaced. He'd been a little overenthusiastic with the kunai. Silently, without attracting any attention, he made his way to his favorite tree behind the memorial stone.

"I could have sworn you were burnt down," he murmured to the tree. "Do you know what's going on?" In one fluid motion, he made his way to the top of the tree. As he gazed upon the unbroken and bustling village, Kakashi's confusion increased. This doesn't make sense. Konoha looks like it did before the nine-tails attack. Suddenly, Kakashi froze, and his eyes widened. For the second time, he fell out of a tree.

Kakashi's first word upon waking up was a ridiculously undramatic "Ouch." He blearily blinked, closing his Sharingan eye out of habit. His head felt like a thousand Naruto shadow clones were bouncing around in his skull. "Why does my head hurt?"

"Kakashi! You're awake." Kakashi eyes focused, and he stared at the person who had spoken. A wave of relief crashed into him.

"Sensei, we won?"

Minato's brow wrinkled. "Won what?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "The war. What else would I be talking about?" He examined his former sensei. "So you're still here. I was half-afraid that you would be . . . de-resurrected, I guess. What happened to Naruto and the others? Are they alright? And what happened to my eye?"

His former sensei stared at Kakashi before reaching out and placing his hand on Kakashi's forehead. "You don't have a fever . . . but maybe I should call a nurse just in case." Kakashi pushed the hand off.

"Worry about my health later. Sensei, did we win the war?"

Minato examined him with concern.

"Kakashi, the Third Shinobi War ended eight years ago."

Kakashi almost fell backwards in shock. Third Shinobi War? What the hell? He took a slow breath to calm himself. Shinobi Rule Number 29: When confused, bullshit your way out.

"Aha, of course." Kakashi gave his patented eye-smile. "I had a dream of the war again. I was just a bit confused, that's all. I'm fine now."

"Right." The dubious expression on his old teachers face was almost enough to make him fidget. "Well, if you're fine now, why don't you explain to me what's going on?'

That's my line! I'm the one who's confused! Kakashi blinked apathetically at his teacher. "What do you mean?" he said evenly.

"Explain to me why you stabbed yourself with a kunai, nearly knocked Tenzo out, and fell out of a tree unconscious."

Kakashi looked Minato straight in the eye. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Kakashi . . ." A deadly expression appeared in his sensei's face, the one that usually preceded someone dying or becoming severely traumatized. Or both.

"Honestly! My memory is blank."

"Do you want me to bring a Yamanaka to fix that?" Minato glared at his former student.

Kakashi blanched. "No no no, that's not necessary. Not at all."

"Then tell me. Look, I don't really care about Tenzo or the tree. I want to know why you felt it was necessary to hurt yourself." That was brutally honest, thought Kakashi, smirking. Poor Tenzo. His expression sobered when the Yondaime's glare intensified.

"There was . . . a bug. So I stabbed it, but I missed. Twice."

The silence that followed was smothering.

"See, this is why I forced you to take a break." Minato's voice became vaguely paternal. "You're letting the stress get to you, but I didn't realize it was this bad. Listen carefully, or I'll assign you D-ranks for the rest of your life. You will relax for one week. Read a book, watch a movie, go on a date with Itachi—"

Kakashi fell out of the hospital bed.

"What!?" he screeched.

Minato's lips twitched. "Admit it, Kakashi. You need a girl in your life. And Itachi is the only one who meets your ridiculous standards. She's pretty, at least as smart as you are… hey, she'll probably become stronger than you in a few years. Sure, she's eight years younger than you, her parents will never allow a relationship, and the Uchiha clan will try to kill you, but what's life without a little adventure?" He paused. "Actually, if you marry Itachi, then you'll technically become an Uchiha. Then the Sharingan will only be in the Uchiha clan again . . ."

At this point, Kakashi stopped listening. Itachi-Itachi-Itachi-is-alive-what-the-hell-Itachi-is-a-girl-girl-girl-Itachi-Itachi-what-Minato-is-trying-to-set-me-up-with-a-zombie-mass-murderer-who-isn't-really- a-mass-murderer-Itachi-Itachi—and his brain just broke.

"Minato-sensei?" said Kakashi slowly, interrupting his teacher's rant on their compatibility. "I am going to sleep now, and when I wake up, I expect this dream, this nightmare, to end. Goodnight."

When Kakashi woke up, he was still in a hospital. Grimacing, he tore of the customary restraints that strapped him to the bed. With the ease of a man who had done this a hundred times, Kakashi slipped out the window and made his way to the apartment he had lived in for most of his life. He frowned at the seals on his apartment. Kakashi didn't recognize them, and they looked unfamiliar. Thankfully, they were inactive.

Deftly, he unlocked the window and jumped in. Kakashi rolled to avoid the spray of senbon and fell into an attack position.

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment?" Genma glared at him grumpily, chewing on his weapon of choice.

"Your apartment?"

"Dammit, are you drunk? You nearly gave me a heart attack! No, I'm not going to give you sugar, or milk, or whatever the hell you need. Do your own grocery shopping." Genma blinked and looked closer at his friend. "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be in the hospital? I heard something about you cutting your hand off with a kunai."

"As you can see, my hands are still intact. I'm fine. "

Genma eyed the bandages around his arm and leg. "Sure you are. And if you're really that fine, then get out of my house before I call the Hokage and tell him where you are."

Wincing, Kakashi climbed out the window. Even his house was different. Kakashi sighed and extended his senses, trying to find his chakra signature. After a few minutes, he located his apartment. Kakashi deactivated the woefully-weak wards keyed to his signature and walked in. After giving his home a thorough once-over, Kakashi decided that it wasn't so bad. Of course, it could use a few improvements.

Three hours later, Kakashi had upgraded all the seals in his apartment to satisfy his war-time paranoia. Satisfied, he pulled out a piece of paper and began writing what he knew.

Problems: World is fucked-up. Minato is alive and not a ghost-zombie-jinchukiri, Genma lives in my apartment, Tsunade was never Hokage, the Third Shinobi War was eight years ago, and ITACHI IS A GIRL AND ALIVE AND (PROBABLY) NOT HOMOCIDAL

Causes: Falling out of a tree? Sharingan? Madara? Genjutsu? Dimensional travel? Insanity? Naruto?

Explanations:

Solutions:

Kakashi glowered at the paper. With a quick fire jutsu, he burned it and tossed the ashes into the trash. He sighed and stretched. He'd need more information before he could make any conclusions.

After observing several people (stalking), borrowing information from the Shinobi Archives (stealing), and appropriating files from the Hokage's desk (more stealing), Kakashi came to the conclusion that this world was bat-shit insane . . . and quite different from his.

For one thing, the Uchiha clan hadn't been wiped out by Itachi and still operated as the police force. The Hyuuga clan, on the other hand, had been decimated by Orochimaru. The current heir was Neiji; Hinata and her sister had been demoted to the branch house. Apparently, the remnants of the clan had wanted to have a strong heir to 'rebuild the clan.'

Kushina had still died, but Sarutobi had sacrificed his life to seal the Ninetails into Naruto, leaving Minato to reign as Hokage. Danzo, sadly, still existed and was probably plotting a way to take over Konoha.

The weirdest thing he had discovered (other than Itachi being a girl, because that took the cake) was that Tsunade and Jiraya were married. Married. Jiraya was married. To Tsunade. What the ever-loving fuck?

Kakashi groaned and rubbed his head. Why couldn't he have just ended up in the past? But no, the universe just had to dump him in a different dimension (or a seriously freaky genjutsu; he hadn't ruled that out yet). All the knowledge he had was effectively useless.

Well, maybe not completely useless. Kakashi still retained all the combat knowledge and additional jutsu he had learned, and he knew the weaknesses of many opponents. Briefly, Kakashi wondered if he could activate the Mangekyo Sharingan. Sure, it caused blindness, but the ability to travel to dimensions was pretty useful when you were stuck in another dimension.

He'd have to train like hell, though. His physical chakra pool was absolutely pathetic. Oddly enough, the spiritual component was overflowing. Consequence of dimensional traveling? Clearly, Kakashi wasn't in his thirty-something year old body anymore. Perhaps the soul had switched places or something. Hell if he knew.

He would do more research, maybe even ask Jiraya. Thankfully, that old pervert was alive in this freaky dimension, even if he was married. Finding a way to travel between dimensions—with the Sharingan or without—would take a ridiculous amount of time. Kakashi would be stuck here for a while.

He frowned and started making some plans. Might as well make the best of the situation, He could maybe meet up with his no-longer-dead friends, and perhaps even beat up that bastard Orochimaru to make him pay for everything. And he couldn't forget Danzo, could he?

Kakashi grinned. This place might not be so bad after all.


	2. There's Nothing Tree-Related in This Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes spying, a mandatory training scene, and an awkward dinner.

Operation Spy-on-the-Uchiha was in full swing. Kakashi peered down at the district below, marveling at busy street. Frankly, seeing all these Uchiha was quite unreal.

"Kakashi, what the hell are we doing here?"

Kakashi eye-smiled at the irritated Genma next to him. "Why, we're looking for your girlfriend. Didn't you want to talk to that Uchiha girl? Akiko?"

"It's Akemi," he muttered. "And I said that she was hot, not that she was my girlfriend. I'm not _that_ interested in her. She's an Uchiha, for God's sake. A roll in the hay is one thing, but a relationship is another." Genma crossed his arms and glared. "Besides, sitting on a roof and staring at the street is _not_ talking to her. What's the real reason?"

 _I'm from a different dimension where the Uchiha were slaughtered, and I suspect_ this _Danzo is plotting something like that against the Uchiha. That man is obsessed with them—hell, he implanted their eyeballs in his_ arm. "I need an excuse," he said simply.

"Hatake-senpai," said a cool voice behind them. "How unexpected to see you here."

Genma swore and turned around, and Kakashi tensed. Slowly, he faced the stranger. Years of self-control were the only thing preventing him from freaking out and running away.

"Uchiha-san," said Kakashi, a smile frozen on his face. "It's good to see you again." A flicker of surprise passed over the girl's blank face.

Almost unwillingly, Kakashi examined the teenager. He almost fainted when he realized that yes, _that was Itachi, and Itachi was a girl._ Her features were definitely more feminine than the Itachi he knew, and her hair was a tad bit longer.

He tore his gaze away from the _female_ (freak of nature and shouldn't exist!) and turned to Genma, who was staring at him with a strange expression on his face.

"Is there any particular reason you have come to the Uchiha District?" She raised a graceful eyebrow.

"Genma wanted to visit his girlfriend, and I accompanied him," he said smoothly. Kakashi ignored the cries of indignation coming from his friend and smiled. "We're finished now. We'll be on our way." He grabbed Genma and ran as fast as he could while dragging the swearing senbon-user. Once they were a safe distance away, Kakashi let him go.

"You idiot! You told the _Uchiha Heir_ that I was dating a clan member! How could you!?"

"You'll get over it," Kakashi said dismissively.

Genma scoffed. "Just because _you_ can get away with anything doesn't mean that I can." Genma grumbled for a few more minutes before he looked at the masked ninja curiously. "Did you and Itachi get into a fight or something?"

Kakashi flinched, but covered it with a cough. "What are you talking about?"

Genma shot him an exasperated look. "I'm not oblivious. You called her Uchiha-san instead Itachi-chan like you usually do, and you didn't correct her when she said Hatake-senpai. What, you thought I wouldn't notice?"

Huh. Oops. But there was no way in hell he was playing nice with the _Uchiha abomination._ Itachi was not a girl, and that was final. "Ah, it's nothing. Just felt like being a bit formal. Wow, would you look at the time? I have to go water my plants!" Kakashi escaped before Genma could say anything more.

* * *

Kakashi spent the next few hours practicing his kata and ninjutsu. Although his body was certainly younger, his stamina could still use some work. He experimented with the Sharingan a bit and debated whether or not he should activate the next stage.

Kakashi decided to wait until his chakra was stabilized and sighed as he started the exercises to increase his chakra reservoir. It was the strangest feeling to have your spiritual chakra exceed your physical chakra. Generally, an imbalance was caused by the opposite combination.

"There you are! I guessed correctly."

Startled, Kakashi threw a kunai at the person behind him. Minato caught the weapon and grinned.

"Nice reflexes, Kakashi. So, what are you doing here?" The Hokage leaned against a tree and watched his student move gracefully through the movements.

"Training."

"Right. Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?"

"No."

Minato shook his head with amusement. "You never change, do you?"

Kakashi paused slightly at that before continuing.

"Apparently not."

"Say, how about we spar? I just finished all the paperwork for the next chuunin exam, and I really need a break."

"Alright." Kakashi completed the last kata and pivoted, facing Minato. He hadn't sparred with his teacher in ages, and he couldn't deny the thrill that raced through him. "What are the rules?"

"No fatal injuries, ninjutsu, or explosive notes. Blowing up the training grounds creates way too much paperwork. If I win, you have to come over to dinner. If you win, you get to come over to dinner.

Kakashi raised his eyebrow. "With those conditions, I'm coming to dinner no matter who wins."

"Exactly."

The silver-haired man crossed his arms. "If I win, I want you to . . ." Kakashi frowned. What _did_ he want? _Yes Minato-sensei, just help me create a dimension-hopping justsu so I can travel back to my world._ "Eh, I'll think of something."

"Sounds good!" Minato bounced on the balls of his feet and grinned, and Kakashi was suddenly reminded of Naruto. How many times had he seen that same expression on his ex-student's face?

"Begin!" shouted the blonde, appearing behind Kakashi. He threw his hirashin-marked kunai, peppering the field with his markers. Kakashi dodged the subsequent blows and sent a vicious kick which almost caught Minato off guard. The blonde disappeared, narrowly avoiding the punch that followed.

"I'm impressed, my young student," teased Minato, surprised but proud. "Your instincts have improved. But you're not good enough."

With a flash, Minato appeared behind Kakashi and grabbed his arm, twisting it. He kicked the back of Kakashi's knee, and the physically-younger man crumpled, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

The Hokage's eyes widened. "What? A shadow clone?" Kakashi burst from the ground and grabbed his former teacher's arm. Ah, the good-old groundhog trick. Minato scrambled backwards, trying to escape the hold. Gritting his teeth, he used his hirashin to teleport away from Kakashi's grasp. To his surprise, Kakashi appeared behind him, forcing him to teleport again.

"Hey, I said no ninjutsu!" complained Minato.

"We're shinobi. We cheat." Kakashi grinned. "Besides, you have hirashin. I have to even the field somehow."

Minato sighed in mock exasperation, unable to hide the smile of his own. "Smart, using kamiwari to appear behind me."

"Hokage-sama." A bear-masked ANBU operative appeared a few feet away from the two. "You must return to the tower."

Minato pouted, but he awarded the agent with a brilliant smile. "Of course. Thank you." He glanced at Kakashi. "Looks like I win."

"No, you didn't. It's a tie."

"Yup, it's my victory. I'll see you at six for dinner, Kakashi!" The ANBU agent and Hokage vanished.

The Copy-Nin resisted the urge to sigh. Looks like he didn't have a choice.

* * *

Kakashi showed up fifteen minutes late. Normally, he'd be even later, but the thought of eating _actual dinner with his not-dead sensei_ had made him admittedly excited. He couldn't even remember the last time he had eaten a proper dinner at all. Sometime before the war, probably.

"Yo!" said Kakashi cheerfully as he pushed the door open. The wards glowed a welcoming blue as they accepted his presence. After taking off his shoes, he walked to the living room to greet a surprised Minato.

"Kakashi! You're early!"

"What do you mean? I thought dinner started at six." Minato rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Uh, you see … I actually planned to start dinner at seven. Since you're usually late …" he awkwardly trailed off. Kakashi was about to respond when a yellow something slammed into him.

"Kashi-nii!" said the culprit. Kakashi stiffened then stared at the boy hugging him.

"N-Naruto?" Kakashi replied hesitantly. Big blue eyes looked up at him.

"Duh! Who didya think I was?"

Kakashi grinned and ruffled Naruto's hair, ignoring the blonde's protests. He hadn't seen the boy this carefree and innocent in a long time. Well, he hadn't seen Naruto this _young_ in a long time either, but that was beside the point. "It's good to see you again," he said warmly. "I missed you."

Naruto frowned at him, suspicious. "What got into _you?_ "

"Ah, if it isn't the other brat!" said a booming voice. Kakashi started, and then gawked at the two people walking towards him.

"Jiraiya and Tsunade dropped by, so I invited them over for dinner too," explained Minato.

"How are you, kid?" Jiraiya asked, coming closer. He reached over to pat Kakashi on the back and was surprised when the silver-haired shinobi didn't move out of the way. Jiraya was further surprised when Kakashi simply stared at both the sannin.

_What- how-is-this-possible-Jiraya-Tsunade-what- why-are-they-married-and-alive—_

"Uh ..." Jiraiya glanced around nervously. "Did I break him?" That seemed to snap Kakashi out of his daze. _Oh right, alternate dimension. Deep breaths, Kakashi. Don't lose it here._

"Jiraiya-sama! I'm glad you stopped by," said Kakashi sincerely, a genuine smile on his face. Jiraya was still alive. The Toad Sannin was still alive! The Icha Icha series wasn't canceled anymore!

Jiraiya's eyes widened and he stepped back.

Kakashi turned to Tsunade, also bestowing her with a smile. "Tsunade-sama," he greeted her with respect in his eyes that hadn't been there before. The copy-nin tilted his head with … deference? "I hope you're well."

Tsunade looked vaguely disturbed.

Kakashi didn't realize it until later, but he was treating Tsunade like the Hokage she'd been in his world. After working under her, he'd gained immense respect for her incredible talent and power (and fists). He couldn't help but let it show through after years of service (and living in fear of being punched through the wall).

When Kakashi's happy grin didn't disappear after a few minutes, Tsunade stepped forward, hands glowing green. She attempted to press it to his forehead, but the silver-haired man reeled backwards, out of her reach. Strange. It was almost like he had experience in dodging her hands.

"Kakashi, are you alright?" asked the medic-nin. "You seem a bit…" she said, eyeing the dopey smile, "odd."

Minato laughed uncomfortably, also examining his student. Kakashi seemed happier than he'd been in a long time. That wasn't a bad thing, it was just …

Scary. Extremely scary. A happy Kakashi was a … well, Minato had never really _seen_ an openly happy Kakashi. He suppressed a shiver.

The next forty-five minutes passed quickly with conversation. On the surface, the atmosphere seemed cheerful, but in reality, everyone except Naruto and Kakashi were on edge. Every few seconds, Minato, Jiraiya, and Tsunade would shoot Kakashi looks.

Kakashi, for his part, ignored it. He knew that the other three ninja were extremely tense and rather troubled by his behavior, but he was too busy enjoying the moment. Besides, it was far too much fun to mess with the three legendary ninja.

The doorbell rang, interrupting their conversation.

"That must be our last guests," said Minato, hurrying to the door and opening it. "Ah, hello!"

Kakashi froze as the four people entered.

Hell no.

 _Hell_ no.

He was going to _kill_ Minato.

"Fugaku-san, how are you doing?"

The main family of the Uchiha Clan walked in.

"Sasuke!" shouted Naruto, barreling towards the dark-headed child. "You came!"

"Course I did," muttered Sasuke, sidestepping. "Told you I was coming to dinner."

Wow. Kakashi blinked in bemusement. Sasuke had spoken in nearly complete sentences without angst. This dimension really _was_ different. Well, considering that his entire family hadn't been murdered …

Kakashi was jolted out of his introspection by a frigid voice.

"Hatake-san," said Fugaku, barely nodding.

Kakashi inclined his head just so. "Uchiha-dono."

The murmured conversations screeched to a halt as everyone turned to stare. Kakashi bit back a groan. Did he commit another faux-paus again?

Fugaku looked even paler, and Kakashi hadn't even thought that possible. He'd made a big mistake, then.

"R-right," stuttered Minato. "Let's go eat!" The Yondaime practically shoved his guests into the dining room, forcing them into their seats.

The rest of dinner was an … interesting affair. Fugaku had joined the list of "People Who Were Paranoid about Hatake Kakashi" and was politely glaring at Kakashi with narrowed eyes. Jiraiya was trying too hard to be funny, and Tsunade looked like she was about to punch someone—namely Jiraiya. Minato did his best to be a good host, but his aura practically screamed discomfort. Itachi stared at Kakashi as if he was a particularly difficult puzzle, and Kakashi stared at everyone _except_ Itachi. Mikoto simply observed her daughter, an odd expression on his face.

The only people who were remotely enjoying the dinner were the oblivious and arguing Sasuke and Naruto.

Kakashi sipped his water and smiled. Every so often, his eyes would flicker to his two (former? future?) students. It was heartwarming, really, to see Sasuke and Naruto interact without trying to literally murder each other. Kakashi's eye turned to Minato and the Sannin, who Kakashi _still_ couldn't believe were alive. Softly, Kakashi smiled. Oh, he was still going to kill Minato for subjecting him to this mockery of a dinner, but Kakashi was glad he still had the opportunity to do so.

* * *

Kakashi lounged on the couch, barely focusing on the game. Once the Uchiha left after politely declining Minato's invitation to play cards, the two Sannin, the Hokage, and Kakashi had begun a game of poker. Naruto was fast asleep, of course; Minato would kill anyone who exposed his darling child to gambling so early.

Kakashi mused over the differences between his world and this one. Kushina had always been close to Mikoto, and although Fugaku and Minato hadn't been friends, they had always been cordial. Minato's continued Hokage-ship had probably prevented the attempted coup and the subsequent massacre. But Danzo would undoubtedly to discredit Uchiha in some other way, and soon; the Uchiha's reputation, though better than before, wasn't exactly good. It was time to pay that slimy, filthy, piece-of-shit bastard a—

"Kakashi?" The other three ninja were looking at him oddly, and Kakashi realized that he had been releasing killing intent.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah? It's my turn, isn't it?"

"No…" said Minato slowly, "it's Jiraiya's."

"I knew that." Kakashi glanced at his cards, and then back up. "Oh, Jiraiya-sama," he said suddenly.

"Yeah?" Jiraiya was staring at him like he was a faulty explosive tag, liable to blow any minute.

"How long are you staying in Konoha?"

The Toad Sannin's eyes narrowed. "A few weeks. Why?"

"Ah, do I need reason to ask?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he began his flattery. "I just wanted to visit you, of course. You _are_ the great Toad Sannin, the legendary Pervy Sage, creator of the peerless Icha Icha, my father's best friend, and my sensei's sensei so—"

Tsunade's sake bottle crashed onto the floor. Minato paled. Jiraiya's jaw dropped.

 _What happened?_ Kakashi's eye widened and he barely managed to hold back a curse. _Oh right. I'm still supposed to be angsty about my father. Shit._ _It's kind of hard to hold a grudge after dying, having a heart-to-heart with chakra ghost of your dead father, and coming back from the grave._ Had being around friends—family, really—made him lower his guard so much? _Sloppy work, Kakashi. Weren't you supposed to be good at infiltration missions?_

Jiraiya stood up. "Alright, brat. Now, I know I haven't seen you in a while, but I am pretty _damn_ sure this isn't normal. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Kakashi drew upon every ninja technique he knew to remain outwardly calm. _Ah. Fuck. I really hope they don't think I'm a spy or anything. Imagine the utter disaster that would happen if the Yamanaka read my memories._

Minato spoke, saving Kakashi from coming up with an excuse. "I think I know what's going on." His former sensei's voice was serious, but his face had a hint of amusement.

"Well, what is it?" said Jiraiya impatiently.

"Kakashi's having girl problems," Minato replied smugly.

Kakashi stared. What? Girl problems? Where the _fuck_ did that come from? That was the stupidest explanation ever! Why was _that_ the first reason Minato thought of? Kakashi glanced at Jiraiya. Well, considering that Jiraiya had been Minato's teacher … actually, that explained a lot.

Jiraiya waggled his eyebrows. "Oh? Really?"

"Think about it. Kakashi started acting weird after he was discharged from the hospital. In fact, his really strange behavior didn't start until after I had a conversation about a certain girl with him." Minato smiled, expression almost wistful. "We all know how love can make people act crazy. I remember when I first asked Kushina out. I was shaking so much that Kushina thought I was having a seizure. Oh, to be young and in love."

"Yeah, yeah. So, who's the girl?" Jiraiya's eyebrows waggled.

"Uchiha Itachi," answered Minato.

 _You know,_ thought Kakashi dryly, _it's really interesting how they're deciding my love life_ without _asking me._

Jiraiya laughed uproariously. "So that's why you were being so nice to me. Needed help from the love-guru, eh?"

Minato nodded wisely. "It also explains why you were so polite to Uchiha-san. You were trying to get into her father's good graces, weren't you? Though it's a bit late for that. You've called Fugaku by his first name for years. I don't think changing that now will make much of a difference," admitted Minato.

"You've got pretty good taste, brat." Jiraiya grinned lecherously. "Itachi-chan doesn't have much in the boob-department, but her legs—"

Tsunade whacked him on the head before Jiraya could continue. Kakashi sighed. After exchanging a look of mutual sympathy with Tsunade that very clearly said _we-are-surrounded-by-idiots_ , he decided to call it a night. It was nice being surrounded by his family—though they weren't really _his_ —but he really had to go break into Danzo's office now, and he didn't want to be late.

That would be terribly rude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter had bunches of fluff, but seeds of the non-existent plot were planted (shoved in haphazardly)! The next chapters should include the beginning of Kakashi's revenge, more messing with people who should be dead, and fainting. Lots of fainting.
> 
> Readers, how do you feel about romance? I'm neutral but open to the concept. Are there any pairings you want to see? Don't want to see? This story is mainly light-hearted humor/fluff/adventure/crack, so it should not be taken too seriously.
> 
> As always, comments, concerns, and criticism are welcome.


	3. Teleporting the Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Kakashi is a Dick to Forests

**Chapter Three: Teleporting the Trees**

_Alternate Title: Kakashi is a Dick to Forests_

* * *

Breaking into Danzo's super-secret hidden facilities wasn't as easy as he expected.

Kakashi blamed it on the stupid inconsistencies between dimensions. Among other things, locations had changed. The changes weren't very big, but they were definitely large enough to be noticeable and annoying. Kakashi's perfect geographic sense of Konoha had turned into a "that-place-is-probably-somewhere-around-here" sort of feeling.

He'd still been able to locate places without difficulty thanks to his heightened senses, but apparently that didn't cut it when tracking down a covert organization that had hid from both Hokages since the Third War.

Kakashi had still found it, of course. He'd been in ANBU's tracking and retrieval squad for years. He certainly didn't _need_ memories from another dimension to find an illegal organization that brainwashed children.

After breaking and entering several times, Kakashi finally discovered ROOT's main base. The Copy Nin eyed the wards with disappointment, analyzing them with the Sharingan. He'd expected better than this. Really, they didn't even pose a challenge. Kakashi bit his thumb and began scrawling a counterseal on the wall. He wasn't Jiraiya or Minato, who could probably deactivate all the protections by looking at them, but Kakashi knew his way around seals.

Once he finished, Kakashi slapped his hand on the wall. "Release," he muttered, sending chakra into the symbols. His blood shone blue and vanished. Satisfied, Kakashi opened the door. Chakra pulsed outwards the second his hand touched the handle.

_Dammit. Looks like I forgot to deactivate the tertiary warning signal embedded in the silencing matrix. Ah well. This is Danzo's personal office, and that pulse was keyed for Danzo's signature only. I have about two minutes before that bastard barges in._ _That should be enough time._

Sadly, Kakashi had underestimated Danzo's paranoia. Everything was quadruple-sealed and attuned to only Danzo. Jirayo or Minato might be able to break them, given enough time—but there was no way Kakashi could do it with only two minutes and his own blood.

"Shit," growled Kakashi, grabbing a handful of hopefully incriminating scrolls. Why did Danzo have to be competent?

"I wondered who was audacious and skilled enough to break into my office," said a voice behind him. Kakashi turned around to see the man himself. Danzo. That filthy mother-fu—

Wait.

What?

He stared at the still-talking man.

Why was Danzo's hair pink? No, _seriously_ , why was it pink? Immediately, he thought of the only _other_ pink-haired person he knew, and a horrifying thought struck him.

Were… were Danzo and Sakura related in this universe?

Kakashi was suddenly struck by nausea and horror as his mind conjured up an image of a Sakura related to Danzo. Of a Sakura _raised_ by Danzo. A Danzokura. Or was it a Sakuranzo? He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut at the disturbing images. No. No-no-no-no—

"I see that you finally understand the gravitas of the situation," sneered Danzo. "As you rightfully should. Of course, we can always come to an… agreement. If you tell me who you are and who sent you, I may spare your life. I have a need for skilled shinobi."

Goddammit, was Danzo _still_ monologuing? Didn't the man have anything better to do? Torture children, perhaps?

"All I require is—"

"Are you related to anyone?" interrupted Kakashi.

Danzo blinked then narrowed his eye. "Are you trying to threaten my family?"

"Anyone? Do you have any family at all? Children, siblings, nieces, et cetera?"

"How dare you!" Danzo chuckled darkly. "Trying to use my _bonds_ against me, are you? I'm afraid you are sorely mistaken. Unlike most other weak Konoha nin, I have no use for pathetic ideals such as friendship and family. Even if there was anyone, I would not care if you killed them now. I would kill them myself, if I needed—"

Great. A non-answer. Kakashi decided to make a run for it. He had more important things to do than listening to the ramblings of a psychopathic old man—like finding the paternity of a certain pink-haired kunoichi, for example.

Scrolls in hand, Kakashi dashed past Danzo with a burst of chakra, twisting to avoid the Wind Release ninjutsu flying his way. He wasn't fast enough to completely dodge the kunai that followed—four missed, but the fifth grazed his arm just before he flickered away. He gritted his teeth and leaped past the swarm of ROOT ANBU in the passageways, barely making it to the exit.

As he fled the underground base, Kakashi's mind whirred a thousand miles a minute. The kunai was definitely poisoned. He couldn't run back to his house, or the ANBU would learn his identity despite his henge, but hiding somewhere obscure was just _asking_ ROOT to kill him and dump his body in the river.

So, he hid in the last place anyone would ever look for a wounded shinobi.

The hospital.

After leaving several false trails for the ROOT to chase after, Kakashi silently crawled through the windows of the worst place in Konoha. He… ahem, _appropriated_ some medical-grade sealing ink and paper before slipping into the supply closet. Kakashi created a few rudimentary wards for protection before starting on another, more intricate one.

He sure as _hell_ wasn't going to actually get treated in the hospital. Other than being an evil, soul-sucking dungeon, hospitals also left paper trails—the kind that created a giant neon "kill me, I'm here!" sign. He could manage the poison well enough on his own

Frowning, Kakashi added the finishing touch to a modified version of the Evil Sealing Method. Instead of holding back a chakra curse, it suspended and nullified the effect of poison. Fittingly, it was known as the Poison Sealing Method.

Clenching his jaw, Kakashi placed the seal over his wound and activated it. He hunched over with the excruciating pain caused by the seal but relaxed when the pain and poison faded from his body.

_Much better_ , he thought. Satisfied and exhausted, Kakashi closed his eyes and went to sleep.

* * *

Nurse Fumiko hurried down the hallway, looking for a mop. Another damn shinobi had crashed through the window, leaving blood all over the floor. Being the newbie, Fumiko had been sent to clean it up.

After a few minutes of searching, the nurse finally located the supply closet. She reached out to open it and yelped as the door swung upon of its own accord. Fumiko shrieked when she noticed the man inside it.

The masked man's eye snapped open. "Yo," he said cheerfully. Without another word, the ninja vanished.

The nurse almost cried when she noticed the incredibly expensive medical-sealing equipment strewn across the floor. _Damn_ shinobi.

* * *

Kakashi stretched in front of the training grounds, warming up his muscles. Today, he was going to do something ridiculously reckless and stupid.

So, nothing new then.

Kakashi lifted up his hita-ate, exposing Obito's eye. It was time to activate the Mangekyo Sharingan.

He closed both eyes. While sending a gentle pulse of chakra to the Sharingan, he began to think of everyone he'd ever failed. The list ran long, much too long. He thought of Obito, sensei, Kushina-neesan, his father, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and …

Rin.

His mind replayed the memory of her death in perfect clarity, the moment forever immortalized. The pressure built behind Obito's eye as it throbbed with remembered pain. He recalled the overwhelming weight of despair, the tears streaming down her lovely face, the sound of a thousand birds screaming…

His eyes snapped open.

"Mangekyo Sharingan," he whispered.

The world around him shattered.

The shards coalesced, and Kakashi viewed the world in flawless detail. He could see the fabric of space and time and the shadows of the other dimensions acting on it. He viewed everything in an almost detached state, separate but connected. He glanced down at his feet, and his breath caught at the incredible darkness twisting around his presence.

Kakashi did not belong here.

Resolute, he stared at the tree in front of him. First, he'd start small. Kakashi should be able to teleport the stationary, solid object.

"Kamui."

The world warped and twisted, and Kakashi felt the sense of finality that always accompanied the use of that technique. A single tear of blood slid down his cheek.

The tree hadn't moved.

"What?" he muttered. Then, the chakra drain hit him like a gigantic frog, and he collapsed.

* * *

"Kid, what the hell did you do?"

Kakashi awakened to see Jiraiya glaring at him.

"You're alive," he said numbly.

"Obviously." The Toad Sage huffed in confused irritation.

Kakashi flinched as a fist crashed the nightstand next to his face.

"Brat," growled a familiar voice. A very angry med-nin stared him down.

"Tsunade-sama?" Kakashi asked. "Did I complete my mission? Did I die?"

"Why the fuck are you asking _me?_ " Tsunade clenched her fist and the mangled stand fell apart further. "But that's not important now. The _important_ question is why you suddenly collapsed of chakra exhaustion in the middle of a training field, and why you attempted a poison-seal with no supervision _on yourself!_ How did you get poisoned in the first place, anyway?"

"It's excellent sealing work, though. I see you used the Evil Sealing Method as the base and added a spiral to help with the suppression. Seriously, when did you get this good?" commented Jiraiya. "I didn't know you used this style." The older man winced at Tsunade's look and nodded to a small frog that promptly disappeared.

Tsunade placed her glowing green hands on Kakashi's forehead. "Interesting," she murmured. "Idiot, when did your chakra become so imbalanced?"

Kakashi stiffened almost imperceptibly. "What do you mean?"

"Don't even try to lie. Your Yin chakra outweighs your Yang chakra two-to-one."

"That's news to me."

Tsunade smacked him. "I told you not to lie to me!"

Kakashi rubbed his head and sighed. "I noticed it a few days ago. I was patrolling on the roof when suddenly everything changed. I thought I was trapped in a genjutsu, so I tried to dispel it. It's been like that ever since." There. Technically not a lie.

The med-nin eyes narrowed slightly. "Hm. Strange."

"Kakashi!" Minato appeared by his bedside. "I came as fast as I could." The blonde man grabbed Kakashi's shoulders. "Don't scare me like that! This is the second time you've collapsed this week! And when I heard about the poison… Kashi, you're lucky Tsunade was here. Don't do that again, you understand?"

"Sure," agreed Kakashi, lying blatantly. "I was just a little careless in testing out a new technique."

Minato frowned. "What technique caused you to lose all your chakra?" said his sensei, voice deathly serious. "It wouldn't happen to be the same one that caused the western half of the forest in Training Field Three to go missing, is it?"

Kakashi blinked. The western half of the forest was missing? Wait, the _western_ half of the forest was missing? He'd been facing the east. Damn, he had terrible aim. He'd tried to use Kamui on a tree in the eastern half, and instead he'd wiped out the entire western half. No wonder he fainted from chakra exhaustion.

Kakashi's eyes widened as the realization struck.

_Holy fuck, I have a forest in my eyeball._

"Didn't I tell you how much paperwork blowing up the training fields causes? And the trees! You destroyed all the trees! Do you know how long it takes to regrow them?"

The masked ninja shrugged. "Just bribe Tenzo." He quickly changed the subject before any more questions followed. "Sensei, I have something for you." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out a storage scroll. He deftly opened the scroll, and with a puff of smoke, five more scrolls fell out.

"Tada!" he said brightly. "What do you think?"

Jiraiya and Minato examined the scrolls with growing disbelief. The sannin whistled in appreciation, while Minato just stared.

"There's at least seven interlocking matrices and triagrams." Minato's forehead wrinkled with disbelief. "It's codified for a particular signature and set to self-destruct if anyone tampers with it." He looked at Kakashi. "How did you get this?"

"I stole it," he said nonchalantly.

"From where?" asked Jiraiya, eyes still on the scrolls.

"From Danzo's office."

The other three choked. "W-what?"

"Mhm. There's probably something incriminating in there." Kakashi paused. "Oh, do you know if Danzo has any relatives?"

Jiraiya, still recovering from the _last_ bombshell, answered slowly. "Not that I know of… most of his family died during the war."

"Hmm…" he mused. "Guess I'll have to do a DNA test."

"On _who?_ "

Kakashi didn't reply. He attempted to get out of bed, but a firm hand pushed him back down.

"You're not going anywhere," said Tsunade sternly. "Sleep, brat."

Kakashi's eyes closed before she finished speaking.

* * *

Three days later, Tsunade had _finally_ cleared him for active duty. Kakashi suspected that she had kept him for two days more than necessary to study his chakra imbalance.

Now that he was out and walking the streets, Kakashi noticed something very peculiar. People were staring at him. That wasn't too unusual, considering that he was a notorious ninja who read porn in daylight, but something seemed … off.

"You lucky bastard," said Raido as he caught up with the inter-dimensional Copy Nin.

"What do you mean?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Itachi," his friend said bluntly. "That's what I mean."

Kakashi forced his voice to remain casual. "What about Itachi?"

"Playing dumb, huh? Don't try to hide it." Raido scoffed and crossed his arms. "Everyone already knows that you're dating Itachi."

The silver-haired shinobi stopped in the middle of the street. "What?" he said flatly.

"Honestly, you have to tell me how someone with the social skills of a deformed toothpick manage to snag one of the hottest girls in Konoha. And a clan heir, too! The _Uchiha_ clan heir! I swear it's the mask. Chicks dig that mystery deal, right?"

Kakashi closed his eye. "I am not dating Itachi."

"Sure you aren't," drawled Raido. "But good luck with convincing her father about your relationship. I don't think that'll go well at all. Before you try, be sure to let me know. I want to see old Fugaku's reaction." The tokubetsu-jounin cackled. "If you die, can I have your kunai collection?"

Kakashi vanished before Raido could say another word.

_Wonderful_ , he thought sourly, hiding in his favorite tree. _So that's what was wrong. Everyone thinks that female Itachi and I are a thing. Which we're_ not, _by the way._ Kakashi growled with irritation. _I need to go kill someone. Preferably the someone who spread the rumors. So… Jiraiya?_

While he plotted Jiraiya's demise—but not death, because that would mean no Icha Icha—a sound suddenly broke his train of thought. Who would be stupid enough to disturb him? Kakashi wasn't _hiding_ , per se. He was simply sitting in his tree, sending out very _very_ strong "approach-me-and-you- will-die" vibes.

Kakashi looked up to see …

Sasuke?

What the hell was an eleven-year-old Sasuke doing here?

He stared at the pale and shaking preteen with bemusement.

"H-Hatake Kakashi!" said Sasuke, voice quaking slightly. "Kakashi of the Sharingan, Copy Nin of Konoha, student of the Yondaime! I challenge you!"

The _fuck?_ Why was a non-angsty Sasuke _challenging_ him?

"Well, why?" replied Kakashi after blankly looking off into space.

Sasuke bristled. "I know you're Naruto's nii-san, but I can't let this stand!"

"Let what stand?" He leaped down smoothly, causing the mini-Uchiha to flinch. Kakashi hid a grin. His little future/past student was … _adorable_. And yes, he was talking about Sasuke. He never knew that it was possible to actually describe Sasuke as _cute_ if you weren't a preteen girl.

"I … I cannot allow you to tarnish my sister's honor!" he shouted boldly.

All of Kakashi's brain activity froze for a moment. Oh God. Was this happening? Was this actually happening? Was… was _Sasuke defending Itachi's virtue?_ Kakashi tried to stifle the hysterical giggles that threatened to burst out of him.

Once he got back to his dimension, he was telling _everyone_ about this. _Everyone._ Kakashi wondered if he should use his Sharingan to record this priceless moment. He'd always suspected Sasuke of having a brother-complex before the other Itachi's murderous ramapage, but this …

"Only someone really strong is worthy of my sister!" continued Sasuke. "Itachi-nee deserves the best! I must become strong to protect my sister from perverts like you!"

If that wasn't a sister-complex, then he didn't know _what_ that was. Kakashi's shoulders began shaking with suppressed laughter.

"You better be scared," sniffed Sasuke. "Cause I'm going to beat you!"

Honestly, why did people always suspect him of being scared? He was _Hatake Kakashi._ He didn't _do_ scared.

"Hey brat," said Kakashi snapping his book shut. Sasuke tensed in anticipation. The jounin narrowed his eye. "Aren't you supposed to be at the Academy?"

The Uchiha kid froze.

"That's what I thought." Kakashi smiled with satisfaction. "Playing hooky, huh?"

Quick enough to rival Minato, Kakashi dashed forward and grabbed Sasuke by the abnormally stiff collar. "Why don't I drop you back in school? A strong shinobi can't neglect their education."

"No!" Sasuke wiggled around, trying to twist out of his grip. "Let me go!"

"Oh? You don't want to go to the Academy?" Kakashi grin grew maniacal. "Should I drop you off at the clan compound?"

Sasuke immediately imitated a ramen noodle. "Please don't," he whispered, absolutely still.

"I'm sure your mother would _love_ to hear what you've been up to."

"No! I'm…" Sasuke trailed off.

"You're what?"

The boy gritted his teeth. "I'm … I'm sorry, ok?"

"Glad to hear that!" The grin didn't fade. "I'll just hand you off to your teacher then."

"B-but—"

"Let's go!" Kakashi and his cargo vanished with a swirl of leaves. "Education is important, after all."

* * *

 **OMAKE/EXTRA:** _In other words, this is what would happen if Kakashi went into an even freakier dimension, though this should really be in Chapter Two. I'll move it there eventually._

"Ah, do I need reason to ask?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he began his flattery. "I just wanted to visit you, of course. You _are_ the great Toad Sannin, the legendary Pervy Sage, creator of the peerless Icha Icha, my father's best friend, and my sensei's sensei so—"

Tsunade's sake bottle crashed onto the floor. Minato paled. Jiraiya's jaw dropped.

_What happened?_ Kakashi's eye widened and he barely managed to hold back a curse. _Oh right. I'm still supposed to be angsty about my father. Shit._ _It's kind of hard to hold a grudge after dying, having a heart-to-heart with chakra ghost of your dead father, and coming back from the grave._ Had being around friends—family, really—made him lower his guard so much? _Sloppy work, Kakashi. Weren't you supposed to be good at infiltration missions?_

Jiraiya stood up. "Kakashi," said the Toad Sage gently. _Gently._ Since when was Jiraiya gentle? "I know it's hard for you to accept, but you must face the truth. I wasn't your father's best friend. I _am_ your father. You may have been conceived in a one-night stand between me and Sakumo, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

With a scream of horror, Kakashi crumpled to the floor. Jiraiya was his _father?_ Sakumo was a _woman?_ Of all the horrifying things that could happen, this was undeniably the worst. Forget Itachi being a girl. _His own father was a woman!_

"Fuck this. I'm out of here." Kakashi lifted his hita-ate. "Mangekyo Sharingan! Kamui-Kamui-Kamui!" Kakashi was gone before they could even blink.

The three remaining ninja stared at each other.

"So," said Minato, completely baffled, "what just happened?"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did not have as much fainting as I expected. It did, however, have some mild angst and Sasuke. And the mild angst wasn't about Sasuke!
> 
> The next chapter should contain more misunderstandings, snakes, and potential bad-assery. Criticism, comments, and concerns are always welcome.


	4. Tying Stuff to Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: There Are Actually No Snakes in This Chapter
> 
> Another Alternate Title: Attack of the Fangirls

"Um... senpai, why are you stalking a civilian girl?"

Kakashi looked up and sent a scathing glare in the younger man's direction.

"I am  _not_  stalking her." He paused. "And technically, she isn't a civilian. She attends the Academy, you know."

"Academy students are still civilians, senpai. They're only considered shinobi after they become genin."

Kakashi coughed. "Details." He waved his hand dismissively.

Tenzo tapped his chin thoughtfully. Normally, he wouldn't  _dare_  tease Kakashi-senpai, but Tenzo was a bit irritated at the moment. The Yondaime had forced him to regrow the half of the forest because  _somebody_ had blown it up using an unknown jutsu. "This doesn't have anything to do with Itachi-taicho, does it?" The mokuton-user's eyes widened in mock horror. "You aren't cheating on—"

A blast of unadulterated killing intent slammed into Tenzo, making him whimper. He tried to cover the unmanly sound with a cough, but he only succeeded in imitating a dying cat.

"What did you say?" asked Kakashi in a sickly-sweet whisper.

"Nothing!" Tenzo whimpered again.

"Good." Kakashi returned to his... observations of a certain pink-haired girl.

"A-anyway, why are you here, Kakashi-se-sama?"

"Shut up, Tenzo. Your speaking privileges have been revoked."

Tenzo immediately closed his mouth, deciding not to risk it any further. He  _liked_  his life, thank-you-very-much.

Kakashi frowned as he mentally compared the two shades of pink for the thirty-second time. No matter how many times he did it, Kakashi always reached the same conclusion. Danzo and Sakura had the exact same hair color. And that was very bad.

He'd have to... procure a DNA sample from the girl. And do it in a  _non-creepy_  way. The first part was easy enough, but the second was more difficult. He couldn't very well sneak into her bedroom and steal her hairbrush without being called a pervert, could he? He grimaced. Even the phrase "procuring a DNA sample" sounded perverted and extremely creepy.

Shivering, Kakashi wondered about the implications. A Sakura with Danzo DNA would probably have major self-esteem issues, a tendency towards extreme anger, and an obsession with the Uchiha...

Huh. That didn't sound too different, actually.

Kakashi made a mental note to look up original-Sakura's parents. His dimension's Sakura might have some extra (really fucking scary) dead relatives.

On a slightly more positive note, Kakashi may have finally discovered where the girl's preoccupation with Sasuke had come from. Of course, that suddenly made Sakura's fanglirling much more sinister...

Kakashi stood up suddenly and stretched, startling an extremely tense Tenzo.

"S-senpai-sama, where are you going?"

"Senpai-sama," mused Kakashi. "I like that." He gave a grin that made the younger man quail. "Don't worry. I'm just going to talk to Naruto." The Copy Nin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Tenzo stared. "The Hokage definitely needs to know about this."

* * *

"I hate fangirls," grumbled Sasuke. The Uchiha and his friend were sitting under a tree in the Academy grounds, wallowing in their misery.

"Me too!" Naruto gave a dramatic moan. "They always stalk me cause I'm the Hokage's son! It's so  _annoying_. When I become Hokage, I'm gonna ban fangirls. Believe it!"

Sasuke gave him an unimpressed look. "Why don't you just ask your father to ban them now?"

"Cause that would be _cheating._ Duh _._ " Naruto brightened. "They do get me lots of ramen though. That's nice of them. Right?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, they do give me tomatoes sometimes," he muttered. "But then they try to tear my clothes off, so it doesn't count."

A gigantic burst of smoke caused both kids to shriek.

"Oh?" crooned Kakashi, smiling. "Are the icky little kiddies having trouble with fangirls?"  _Naruto has_ fangirls.  _Again, this dimension is fucking_ weird _. Actually... does Hinata count as a fangirl? She never actually had a conversation with Naruto before her confession, now that I think about it._

"What do you want?" Sasuke glared at the silver-haired man, almost growling in irritation.

"Kashi-nii! What're  _you_  doing here?"

"I'm here to help!"

Naruto peered suspiciously. "Help with what?"

"With your fangirl problem, of course. If you do me a  _tiny_ favor, I'll teach you a technique to get rid of them."

"How would  _you_  know how to get rid of fangirls?" Sasuke sneered.

"When I was in the Academy, I had my fair share of them. I picked up a few tricks, and I guarantee their effectiveness." Kakashi smiled innocently.

"Well, what's the favor, nii-san?" asked Naruto, looking hopeful.

"I need you to obtain a hair sample from a girl named Haruno Sakura. Think you can manage that?"

Sasuke and Naruto blinked.

"Sakura-chan?" The blonde tilted his head. "I know her. But..." He glanced hesitantly at Sasuke.

"She's my worst fangirl," whispered a pale Sasuke. "She stalks me. She stares at me. And... she compliments my  _eyes_. Every. Single. Day.  _Sasuke-kun, your eyes are so pretty! Can I have them? I want my kids to have your eyes. Please, Sasuke-kun?_ "

The Uchiha curled into a ball, looking rather terrified. "They're my eyes. They're  _mine._ "

"Shh..." comforted Naruto. "You're fine. Sakura's not here right now. You're safe."

 _Holy shit,_  thought Kakashi.  _Sasuke's been traumatized by Sakuranzo._

"Well," Kakashi coughed, awkwardly cutting in, "since Sakura's your fangirl, it should be pretty easy to get that hair."

Sasuke slowly looked up. "Will your technique keep her away from me forever?"

A strange gleam came into Kakashi's eye. "Of course."

"Then I'll do it," he said fiercely. "Anything to keep her away.  _Anything._ "

With horror, Kakashi realized that in this universe, Itachi—Sasuke's driving force and motivation—had been replaced by  _Sakura_. He shook the disturbing thought away.

"Anyway, this is what I need you to do..."

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto observed their target from a safe distance.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Naruto, whispering. "I can take your place."

Sasuke shook his head. "No. I have the best chance of completing this mission. We  _have_  to learn that technique."

"Um... if you say so. Good luck, Sasuke." He thumped his friend on the back. Sasuke took a deep, steadying breath, and walked into the enemy's camp.

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Oh my gosh, it's Sasuke!"

"Thank you so much! Oh, Sasuke-kun!"

"Silence."

The fangirls' chatter abruptly stopped when their Supreme Leader stepped out. The pink-haired menace snapped her fingers, and all the girls fell into a triangular formation.

"Hello, Sasuke-kun." Haruno Sakura smiled sweetly at her future conquest. "How good to see you." She turned to her fangirls and abruptly barked, "Bento!"

With perfect coordination, the girls all whipped out a bento-box, kneeling as they offered it to their forever love.

Slightly pale, Sasuke responded. "Hello, Haruno-san."

The head girl giggled. "Aw, you can just call me Sakura-chan!" She flipped her hair coyly. "Did you need something, Sasuke-kun? Would you like a bento?"

He took another deep breath. "Actually, I have a request. Could I have..." Sasuke tried to think of a better way to format his question, but failed. "Could I have a few pieces of your hair?"

Sakura's eyes widened. "Of course! You can have all of it, if you want." She grabbed a kunai, prepared to chop her hair off.

"No!" he yelped, staring at her with ill-disguised fear. "Just a two or three strands will do."

Without any hesitation, Sakura plucked four strands of her hair and handed it to Sasuke. "Is the exchanging of hair an Uchiha mating ritual?" she breathed, sending twitters of excitement through the crowd.

Sasuke almost hyperventilated as the fangirls came closer.

"Circle formation!" shouted Sakura. Like a well-oiled machine, the fangirls surrounded Sasuke. The Uchiha closed his eyes as he felt death loom closer.

"Sasuke!" An army of clone Narutos charged the opposing girls. "I'll save you!"

"Pincer-attack, now! Blonde enemy at three o'clock!" The fangirl regiment collided with the clones, and a vicious battle over Sasuke's body began.

"Sasuke," muttered a voice behind the captive. The dark-haired boy turned around to see his best friend crouched behind him. "Run!"

"After him!" shrieked Sakura, pointing at the fugitives.

The two boys fled, barely managing to avoid the battalion chasing after them. Once they had escaped, Naruto and Sasuke collapsed behind a tree, panting. Naruto closed his eyes and shuddered.

"Damn, Sasuke. Your fangirls are  _scary._ At least my fangirls just blush, stammer, and get me food." Naruto shook his head slowly. " _Yours_  have an  _army._ "

Sasuke grunted.

Naruto stood abruptly. "So, did you get the hair?"

The other boy glared. "Of course I did!" He held up the samples. "I almost died getting them. This technique better be worth it."

"Don't worry, it's worth it." Kakashi patted the boys on their heads, startling them and somehow managing to grab the pink strands at the same time. "Thanks, boys."

"No problem, nii-chan!" chirped Naruto, beaming at the best older brother ever, even if he always did the hair-ruffling thing. Sasuke scowled with barely hidden rage, still upset over the older man's pursuit of Itachi-nee.

"What's the technique?" growled Sasuke, patience thinning. He was only tolerating Kakashi because of Naruto and the supposed fangirl-deterrent the jonin had promised to teach.

"It's simple." A dangerous gleam appeared in Kakashi's eye. "It's name is...  _kill it with fire_."

* * *

After teaching the kids the new technique, Kakashi made a suitably dramatic exit. Sasuke relaxed slightly, now that the evil sister-poacher had disappeared. Naruto, on the other hand, looked pensive.

"Sasuke?" asked Naruto, frowning.

"Yes?"

"Why do you think Kakashi-nii needed the hair?"

The two stared at each other. "I... don't know." Sasuke looked a bit disturbed. "We never really asked."

Naruto frowned. "Well, Kakashi-nii  _is_  a pervert, but I don't think he likes Sakura. He likes your sister, right?"

"What!?" Sasuke blinked. "Wait, you know about that?"

The blonde rolled his eyes. "I'm not  _stupid_. Everyone's been talking about it. Of course I know." He grinned brightly. "Isn't it great? If Kakashi-nii and your sister get married, then we'll  _actually_ be brothers!"

"It's not great!" shrieked Sasuke. He regained control of his emotions and continued. "Besides, he's not  _really_ your brother."

Naruto looked affronted. "Of course he is! Dad adopted nii-san  _ages_  ago."

"Whatever." Sasuke abruptly changed the subject, unwilling to think about his sister in a  _relationship_. "I'm going to try the new technique on those fangirls." He walked away, ignoring Naruto.  _No one_ could date his sister.  _No one._

"Come on, Sasuke! Don't start pouting and brooding!"

"I do not pout or brood!"

"Yeah, you do. You're–"

"Quiet!" hissed Sasuke, pulling Naruto asside. "It's  _her._ " Naruto said nothing, eyes widening as he noticed the pink-haired girl.

Sasuke exchanged a look with his friend before stepping out from behind the tree. Naruto remained in hiding, prepared to back up his Sasuke if needed.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura smiled sweetly. Sasuke simply stepped forward, as grim as a soldier heading to war. "How are–"

"Katon: Great Fireball Technique!"

Sakura yelped and ducked, barely avoiding the flames. She looked up at her  _crush_ , eyes sparkling. "Does the use of fire techniques complete the Uchiha courtship ritual?"

The Uchiha responded by sending a few more fireballs at the girl, intent on burning the menace once and for all. Somehow, Sakura avoided all of them and giggled. "Sasuke-kun, you're so enthusiastic! How sweet of you to set the Academy on fire for me!"

Sasuke stopped as he realized that the flames had struck the school.  _Huh. You'd think that the ninja training school would be fireproof._

Naruto summed up the situation succinctly, coming out from his hiding place to gawk at the spreading fire. "Crap."

* * *

Minato smiled at Kakashi. The Hokage's smile wasn't the friendly, cheerful one that he was known for. It wasn't the one that said  _hi there, let's be friends and save the world!_ It wasn't even the one that said  _you have disappointed me, but I am smiling to cover up my sadness._

It was the one that said  _I am going to fucking kill you, grind you to pieces, feed you to my frogs, and dance on your desecrated bones. And I will_ enjoy  _it._

"Kakashi," said Minato, voice oh-so-pleasant. "Why is my Academy burned down?"

"I can explain?" The slouching man edged away from his former-sensei.

"It better be a good explanation." Minato's smile grew wider. "So please do  _explain_  why you told my son and his best friend why it was alright to  _set fangirls on fire?"_

"It's... effective?"

"Konoha  _no longer has an Academy anymore,_ thanks to you! _"_

"Um, it was time for a renovation anyway."

"Hatake Kakashi—"

Kakashi jumped out the window, breaking the glass. Nope! Nope-nope-nope. He would not,  _could_  not deal with a furious sensei and still expect to stay alive.

He flickered to a nearby tree and tied his hitai-ate on a branch. His headgear probably had a hirashin seal on it, and Kakashi  _really_ didn't want Minato to teleport behind him and rasengan his head off. Not waiting a moment longer, Kakashi fled the scene.

* * *

"Kakashi?"

"Ah, yes?"

"Why are you in my house?"

Kakashi gave a weak eye-smile. "I needed to ask you something."

Tsunade sighed. "Does this have anything to do with the Academy fire?"

"No." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out several hairs. "Could you do a DNA analysis on these?'

The sannin examined the follicles. "Whose hair is this?"

"The shorter hairs belong to Danzo, while the longer ones belong to Sakuranz—er, Haruno Sakura, an Academy student."

Tsunade's eyes widened in horror as she put two-and-two together. "You think  _Danzo_ has  _children?"_ She almost dropped the samples on the floor.

Kakashi hummed noncommittally. "Relatives, at least." He glanced at the hair in her hand. "Be careful with those. Do you know how difficult it was to get Sakura's hair?"

"I'm more concerned with how you obtained  _Danzo's_ hair," commented the medic dryly.

"Not telling!" he replied in a sing-song voice. Kakashi heard a far-off explosion and winced. That sounded liked his former teacher. Crap, he was running out of time. "Please, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade sighed heavily. "Fine, brat. I'll do it, but only because I'm as curious as you are. Now get out of my house before Minato finds you. He  _is_  after you, right?"

"Uh... thank you, Tsunade-sama!" Kakashi escaped through the window again, landing silently in the alleyway. Mission accomplished. All he had to do now was avoid dying by Minato's hand. He could do it... probably.

* * *

After several hours of hide-and-seek-and-kill, Kakashi ended up in front of the Hokage, tied to the chair.

"Sensei, setting the entire ANBU after me isn't fair," accused Kakashi, miffed.

"Hunting rogue ninja does fall under the ANBU's jurisdiction." Minato leaned back, lounging almost nonchalantly.

"I am  _not_ a rogue ninja." The Copy Nin viewed his sensei with apprehension. Why wasn't he angry? Shit. It looked like Minato had crossed over from  _I-will-kill-you_ to  _I-have-something-worse-than-death-for-you._

"Perhaps." The Hokage tossed a scroll at him. "I suppose it's partially my fault for keeping you cooped up for so long. Tsunade has cleared you for active duty, so I've decided to assign you a  _mission_."

Kakashi carefully opened the scroll, half-expecting a barrage of shuriken to fly out. After nothing happened, he quickly scanned the words and frowned.

"This... this is a B-rank. An ordinary one." The mission was to eliminate bandits near the Fire Country border. Apparently, the group had been terrorizing citizens and kidnapping childre. The mission was nothing unusual or new. And that's what scared him.

"Of course it's a B-rank. You're recovering from a mysterious poison and chakra exhaustion. Did you really think I'd assign you something higher?" Minato then mumbled something that sounded a lot like "though knowing you, it'll probably turn into an S-ranked or worse."

Actually, Kakashi had expected a terrifying, mind-scarring mission in retaliation for burning the Academy. He reread the scroll, trying to find the hidden danger.

"Is there anything else I need to know?"

"Nothing else. It's a perfectly normal mission." Minato grinned. "I'll see you in a few days."

"If you say so, Hokage-sama." Kakashi hid a frown. Just what was Minato planning? After bowing professionally, Kakashi vanished.

Minato's grin grew wider once his former student left. The mission actually  _was_  normal. But now that Kakashi was away from the village for a while... he could get his  _real_  revenge.

Chuckling, Minato began to write a very important letter. Oh, this would be  _fun_.

* * *

Kakashi scouted the area with detached efficiency. These bandits weren't very good. He followed the trail they left and soon found their base. From there, it was smooth sailing. A stab here, a stab there, and voila! Bandit-shish-kebab. He chuckled to himself. Hah. Funny. Shish-kebab. See? He did have a sense of humor.

He smiled at the eleven kids trapped in the cell... wait, eleven kids? His information said  _thirteen_  kids had been missing from the nearby villages. Did the other two—Kakashi's eyes widened with realization.  _Oh._ They were near the Land of Sound, and Orochimaru was still around. His grin grew wider. Kakashi had finished the mission in just a day, two days ahead of schedule. Maybe he could do some...  _reconnaissance_  after he returned the children.

After his mission was completed, Kakashi headed towards the border. If he remembered correctly, Orochimaru had his lab, er, somewhere around there. Damn this alternate dimension and its stupid alternate locations. Always making him do it the hard way...

Biting his thumb, Kakashi completed the summoning.

"Pakkun, Bull," he said, eye crinkling. The pug simply glared from his position on top of the bulldog.

"Boss, where have you been?"

"Uh..."  _Oh, nothing. I just broke into Danzo's place, stole some stuff, activated the Mangekyo Sharingan... fuck, this list is too long. I'm not going to summarize the past week's events in my head._ "I've just been busy. You know how it is."

"No, I don't. I'm not you." Pakkun sighed. "So, what do you want?"

"Do you remember Orochimaru's scent?"

"The snake-creep is kind of hard to forget." Despite the casual words, both Pakkun and Bull tensed.

"I need you to track him down."

Pakkun and Bull stared at him in silence. "Ok, Boss has finally cracked. It's about time, really."

"I'm not crazy. I just need you to find him so I can beat him up a little." Kakashi paused. "Well, that  _does_ sound a bit crazy. But I'm not."

"You're not doing a good job of convincing me," grumbled Pakkun. "Boss, did you forget about what happened the last time we fought against him? He's out of your league!"

Kakashi mentally scrolled through all his interactions (attempted murders) with the snake sannin, trying to remember the meeting Pakkun was referring to. Oh, right! It was when Orochimaru had first betrayed the village. Kakashi, being the arrogant teenager he was, had attempted to arrest him. Of course, Kakashi had failed miserably. The creep had frozen him with just killing intent before gallivanting into the sunset to kidnap children.

"Don't worry," he said cheerfully. "I'm much stronger now."

Pakkun sighed again. "It's your funeral, boss. No, I mean it's  _literally_ your funeral. I'll find him for you, but you better not die."

"I won't. Trust me."  _I've had enough dying for a long, long time. Seriously, being resurrected once is enough for me. But Orochimaru, on the other hand... yes, he deserves to die. Painfully. Multiple times._

With a bark, Pakkun and Bull raced across the grass. Kakashi followed right behind them, a savage grin on his face. It was time for the snake freak to pay for his crimes, past and future. No one messed with his cute students and got away with it. Oh, this would be  _fun_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mass update part one. Sorry for not consistently updating on this site.


	5. Fighting Among Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Kakashi Electrocutes Snakes, and Minato is Suspicious

A smell similar to dead snakes permeated the air, almost making Kakashi gag.

"Thanks," he coughed to his nin-dogs, thankful for the mask blotting out the smell. "I can take it from here."

Pakkun and Bull shot him simultaneous dubious looks.

"You want to face the  _Snake Sannin_ by yourself?"

"Eh… yes?"

The pug muttered something that sounded an awful lot like  _"god damn fucking humans with cat-shit for brains bark bark bark."_

"I promise I won't die," Kakashi added unhelpfully. He sighed when his companions didn't budge. "You both are dismissed." His last words had the hint of steel that marked it as an order, not a suggestion.

"Right." Pakkun sighed, and Bull whined. "The next time you summon me, I'm going to bite your face off. Be prepared. That is, if you're not dead by then." With those kind parting words, the two dogs disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Kakashi continued his travels through the thick forest, using his keen sense of smell to locate the Snake Sannin.

 _Really, they're overreacting. It's just Orochimaru. It's not like the creep's a mystical demon goddess with three freaky eyeballs and frequently reincarnating sons or something. He can't be_ that _bad_.  _Right?_

* * *

After a sequence of events involving a forest fire, cooked birds, and exploding ninjas, Kakashi found himself facing off against Orochimaru himself.

"Hello!" The silver-haired ninja smiled, waving at a random tree as he stretched his senses to pinpoint the freaky snake zombie's location. The Snake Sannin was currently trying to screw with his mind by creating terrifying traps and mind-numbing illusions—all while hiding away in this creepy forest.  _Ha, jokes on him. I lost my sanity ages ago. And this is nothing compared to the Tsukiyomi._

"Well well, what an honor it is to meet the Yondaime's Dog again," hissed a voice, somehow coming from everywhere. "I've always been rather fond of mutts."

 _And small children,_  added Kakashi, keeping a wary eye out for the missing-nin.  _Wait, seriously? They also call me the Yondaime's Dog? Come on, Sharingan no Kakashi is much better._

"Oh, you like dogs?" the dimensional-traveler replied, distracted by the  _really_  stupid name. "I didn't realize that." Kunai in hand, Kakashi tensed slightly as a shadowy figure appeared before him. He barely hid his apprehension as he wondered how this dimension's Orochimaru was. There was no  _way_  the Snake Sannin could be creepier than Sakuranzo and Pink Danzo. Right?

The missing-nin stepped out of the shadows.

What—

Orochimaru was…

"You're normal!" exclaimed Kakashi with relief. The body-stealing murderer looked exactly like the one from his dimension. No unusual hair, no gender changes, nothing was different!

Orochimaru stared at him. Kakashi stared back.

"I have been called many things before," Orochimaru said, a hint of bemusement entering his tone, "but I do not think  _normal_ was one of them."

"Yeah, well…" Kakashi trailed off awkwardly. Crap, had he really just called Orochimaru normal? He was pretty sure that Orochimaru was the exact opposite of normal. As in,  _literally the furthest you could go from normal_. If you looked in the dictionary for normal,  _not Orochimaru_ was the definition.

The Snake Sannin slowly smiled as he released an incredible amount of killing intent. "Now, what is your purpose here? Did the Yondaime send you?" The atmosphere itself warped under the pressure, distorting the trees around them. The force exerted was enough to make the average jonin completely lose his composure and was more than twice the amount that teenage-Kakashi had faced before.

Kakashi blinked at the other man and simply laughed. "That's it?" he said, still chuckling. "You truly wound me in your estimation. Please, take me seriously. I won't be able to enjoy this if you don't. And I  _really want to enjoy this._ " The Copy Nin stepped forward almost casually. Compared to the presence of Madara, the zombie Kages, Kaguya the demon lady—hell, even Kyuubi-fied Naruto—this was  _nothing._

 _Damn, my life is fucked up._ Kakashi ignored the wayward thought and took one more step, summoning his raikiri.

Honestly, it irked him to be underestimated so much. Normally, being underestimated was a good thing. Many enemies had died because they thought he was beneath their notice.

But that didn't apply here. This… was  _personal_.

Orochimaru had screwed with his precious students—mentally and physically. He was going to eke out every last bit of pain from the creep.

Sure, revenge was bad and destructive.

Frankly? Kakashi didn't  _care._

With the Sharingan open and activated, he grinned.

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes at the silver-haired ninja. He had seen many reactions to his killing intent, but never  _laughter_. The Yondaime's student had always treated to him with caution and perhaps even fear—but not disdain _._  Suddenly curious, Orochimaru pupils dilated with the pleasure of a new puzzle.

* * *

With quick efficiency, Kakashi sent a shower of shuriken at his opponent.  _Alright, this is just insulting. That's obviously not Orochimaru._ The snake-sannin had sent a clone out to battle with him—and not even one that fought at full strength. Clone-Orochimaru had started laughably incompetent but was slowly increasing the intensity of his attacks as battle went on.  _Is he… testing me? How annoying._

Kakashi ignored the clone's all-too obvious opening, instead choosing to force his enemy back with a combo water-lightning move. It was one he had developed during the war, and one that Naruto had dubbed 'Super Sparky Rain-Blast Jutsu!'

"Intriguing," hissed the fake-Sannin, nimbly avoiding the attack. The clone was barely fighting at twenty-percent of Orochimaru's power, and Kakashi planned to use that to his advantage. With a burst of speed, Kakashi pinned the fake to the wall, hand crackling with concentrated chakra as he pulled back for the final move. It would have never worked on the real Orochimaru, of course, but it was effective on the weaker clone.

"How fitting." The doppelganger sighed, sadness marring its pale face. "My death will be at the hands of a Konoha ninja—a shinobi from the very village I tarred my reputation to defend."

Kakashi blinked at the snake's words, and his eyes narrowed slightly as he tightened his grip on his opponent. "What are you talking about?"

"Why, I only attacked the Hyuuga because the Hokage asked me to!" Creepy-ass golden eyes filled with sorrow, Orochimaru gazed into the Copy Nin's mismatched pair. Kakashi held back a shudder as the snake persisted in speaking. "I thought I would confess the truth to the shinobi who killed me, but I never expected it to be you."

Wait.

Had… had Orochimaru pulled off an  _Itachi?_

Oh  _hell_  no. There was no  _way_  that Orochimaru was a good guy. He was much too disturbing for that.

"While I regret their deaths," the sannin paused dramatically here, "it was necessary to keep the village together."

 _Lie,_  snarled his instincts. Without hesitating a moment longer, the silver-haired ninja punched through the clone, dispelling it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" exclaimed Kakashi, irritated. "Did you really think that would work?"

A low chuckle echoed through the forest. "It generally succeeds with Konoha ninja." The formless voice seemed almost smug. "Even if they do not believe me, it is an effective distraction. Unfortunately, the more intelligent ninja rarely fall for the trick."

 _Well, aren't you a bastard?_ Kakashi blinked as he realized something.  _Uh, did Orochimaru just call me smart?_

"Now," continued the invisible sannin, "let's see how you fare against my… friends."

* * *

 _Fucking snakes!_  Kakashi raikiri-ed the hell out of a particularly nasty-looking python. "Are you done sending your little pets after me? I can fry a few more if you want."

Orochimaru slithered closer, no longer content with just watching. "Five," mused the Sannin.

"What?" Kakashi shook the snake-guts off his hand and glared.

"You used the raikiri five times. I was under the impression that four was your limit. Furthermore, your chakra is not at all exhausted. Your skills must have improved," remarked Orochimaru with rather gruesome expression.

 _Oh wait. That's his smile_.

"Eh, I've gotten a bit better." Kakashi had completely forgotten about his past limit on the raikiri. He'd worked on his endurance quite a bit during Naruto's two-year vacation, causing his chakra pool and control to increase greatly. Apparently, both skills had carried over into this body, but his muscles' instincts had not. Kakashi grimaced. Although his current body wasn't as scarred as his old one, this younger body lacked the edge that only came from fighting a war. And considering that his Mangekyo Sharingan was still unpredictable… Shit. This was bad.

Luckily for Kakashi, Orochimaru wasn't as strong as he remembered. From the looks of it, the snake-freak hadn't made all his extremely disturbing and powerful modifications yet. if Kakashi had his old body , then he would probably be able to defeat this dimension's snake-summoner. Sadly, alternate-Kakashi's body still needed a lot of training before it could stand on an equal footing with the sannin.

 _Okay… all this talk about old and new bodies is goddamn weird. It's also hurting my head._ I'm _not Orochimaru. I really shouldn't have to worry about old and new bodies. Once again, the universe fucking hates me. Dimensional travel my—_

Kakashi narrowly avoided Orochimaru's tongue-attack, jumping out of the way before countering with easily-deflected kunai.

"Are you becoming distracted? You asked me to take you seriously, but you cannot even concentrate on this battle. Maybe I was wrong about you being worthy of notice," taunted the other man-freak-thing, tongue dangling almost suggestively.

"Did anyone tell you how damn creepy that is?" Kakashi shuddered. "Seriously, what was your thought process? I know!" he mimicked. "I'll just come up with a move that requires me to  _lick people!_  It's bad enough you're a pedophile, but being a pedophile with a tongue-fetish is even worse."

 _And of course I'm worthy of notice! My raikiri is awesome—and much cooler than_ your  _signature move. Lightning fists beat pedo-tongue any day,_ he thought smugly.  _Also, didn't I (technically) outlive old-dimension you? Take that! You may be harder to kill than a cockroach, but…_  Struck by a sudden burst of inspiration, Kakashi grinned.

Orochimaru, who had been gaping at Kakashi, finally recovered his composure. "I am  _not_  a pedophile!" he hissed. "Everything I do is in the name of research. You will pay for your  _disrespect_."

"Research? You can call giving permanently-cursed hickeys to children  _research_? You're more messed up than I thought,  _Roachimaru._ "

Kakashi smirked, and Orochimaru's eyes widened at the name. Suddenly, the sound of a million snakes' hissing filled the air.

Blinking, Kakashi stared at the incredibly angry sannin. The furious sannin glared back, expression darker than his long and greasy hair, pale fists almost trembling with anger.

"I should probably run, right?" murmured Kakashi.

Orochimaru summoned the Sword of Kusanagi. Kakashi took that as a yes.

* * *

Through luck, determination, skill, and mostly luck, Kakashi managed to lose Orochimaru at the border.

_Maybe randomly confronting one of the most powerful ninja ever to exist wasn't a good idea…_

Kakashi sighed and put on a burst of speed. He really had to come up with a legitimate plan. Mucking around with no purpose wouldn't cut it anymore. If he wanted to save this dimension, he'd have to do it properly.

Once Kakashi finally made it to Konoha, the tired shinobi headed straight to the Hokage's Residence, prepared to give his report. With a graceful movement, he leaped onto the window, deftly propping it open and sliding in. His former teacher and Hokage (still not dead!) looked up from his pile of paperwork, irritation clear on his face.

"I have a door—" Minato paused, and his attitude changed completely. "Kakashi! You're back! What happened? You look terrible!"

"Ran into Orochimaru," he replied succinctly.

Minato opened his mouth, closed it, and stared.

"Only you, Kakashi, only you." The blonde began to massage his head, feeling a headache come on already. "I sent you on a simple bandit mission, and you managed to run into Orochimaru?" He ran his hands slowly through his hair, causing the golden spikes to become even more erratic.

"It wasn't on purpose!"  _Well, it was… but that's not important._ Kakashi froze as he noticed something. "Sensei? Sensei!"

Minato began panicking along with his ex-student. "What's wrong, Kakashi? Are you injured?"

"Your hair!"

The Hokage frowned. "What about it?"

Kakashi pushed away the urge to hyperventilate. "There's silver in it!" Was this Minato somehow related to him? Minato wasn't his half-brother or cousin or something, was he? What was with this world and strange hair?

To his surprise, the Hokage laughed. "Of course there's silver! I'm not a young man anymore, Kakashi. I'm well into my thirties, so a little gray is expected."

Minato was… old? That was impossible. His sensei was a ball of sunshine and happiness and youth ( _YOUTH!_  shouted an eerily familiar voice in his head) and friendship and—

Old. No. Minato was permanently twenty-something. Kakashi refused to believe anything else. The odd color was just a trick of the light. Or misplaced paranoia after seeing Danzo. Or his tired brain. Or  _something._

The graying (not graying!) blonde coughed to catch the jonin's attention. "I believe you were about to debrief before you were distracted by my hair?"

"Oh. Right." As with everything else disturbing, Kakashi grabbed the memory, wrestled with it, and buried it deep down. Now that the unsettling thought had been suitably dealt with, he snapped into mission mode. He efficiently ran through his elimination of the bandits before detailing his extra activities.

"After successfully completely the mission twenty-seven hours after the initial assignment, I noticed that two children were missing from the bandit's hideout. I proceeded to track the trail left by the missing children to the Sound-Fire border, when I caught Orochimaru's scent. I deduced that he took the children and chose to pursue—"

"Wait," interrupted Minato. "You're telling me that you tried to track the two missing children, found Orochimaru's scent, and decided to  _follow him alone across the border?_ "

Kakashi paused. "Yes?"

Minato's head hit the desk with a thump. "Continue." The order was muffled by the paperwork, but the exasperation was crystal-clear in his words.

"I discovered Roach—I mean, Orochimaru, and engaged him in battle. I determined that a tactical retreat was the best option and withdrew shortly after, returning to Konoha eight hours after the fight."

"Good to know," mumbled the Hokage.

"Oh, I also learned some important information. I don't know how accurate it is,"  _because this god-awful mutant dimension screws everything up,_ "but I think you should keep it in mind." Now that Kakashi had met with Orochimaru, he had an excuse to tell Minato everything he knew about the missing-sannin. "You might want to cancel your other appointments. This will take a while."

* * *

After hearing every detail Kakashi could remember about Orochimaru (which was a lot, sadly), the Yondaime could do nothing but gaze blankly at Kakashi. Carefully, with great effort and an aching hand, Minato pulled himself back together.

"Brainwashed Kazekage?" asked Minato slowly.

"Yes."

"Snake-man resurrection jutsu?"

"Yes."

"Undead zombie Hokages?"

"Also yes."

The Yondaime massaged his forehead. "That's a lot to take in," he said weakly. Suddenly, Minato paused and looked curiously at Kakashi. "How did you learn all this?"

"Orochimaru told me," immediately replied Kakashi.  _And I'm an inter-dimensional time-traveler._

With plainly-seen disbelief, his former sensei held up the thick stack of notes he had taken during Kakashi's lecture. "Orochimaru  _told_  you all this? During your battle?"

"Yes?" Realizing that he sounded rather unconvincing, Kakashi elaborated. "Ah, you know how those evil psychopathic masterminds are. Always monologing and spilling their evil plans."

Minato's blonde eyebrows had almost vanished into his hairline. "How long was Orochimaru monologing? Two hours? Three?"

Kakashi laughed nervously. "He just talked really fast."

Minato frowned. He didn't push the subject, but his expression clearly told Kakashi that this wasn't over. "Alright. Well, I'll send this down to Intel anyway. If it's accurate, then…" The Hokage grinned, a fearsome light appearing in his eye. "We might be able to get rid of that snake once and for all."

Kakashi eye-smiled back. "Glad I could help, sensei. Now, if you'll excuse me." He faced the window, prepared to flicker out.

"Just  _where_  do you think you're going?"

The silver-headed ninja stopped. "Did I forget something, sensei?"

The fearsome gleam in Minato's eye became even scarier. Kakashi resisted the urge to shiver. He knew that smile. Shit. He  _knew_  that smile.

Currently, he was looking at Minato's  _sweet sweet murderous genocidal payback here I come_ smile. In other words, the  _Revenge_ Smile.

Kakashi knew from experience that Minato's version of revenge was very different from the average ninja's. A regular shinobi or kunoichi, if wronged, might punch the offender in the face. Or perhaps beat them up. Or maybe even play a prank.

 _Minato_ , if wronged, would punch the offenders in the face, then beat them up, play a prank, sabotage their relationships, assign them the worst missions, throw them in a lake, play another prank, and finally hirashin them to the moon.

And leave them there.

All the while appearing as innocent as can be—without ever leaving a trace of evidence.

Kushina may have been the village prankster, but Minato was goddamn  _vindictive._ Sasuke's attempts at revenge had  _nothing_  on Minato's.

Trusting his instincts, Kakashi jumped out the window again, only to face-plant into a shimmering barrier.

"That trick won't work twice!" The Yondaime stood up and walked very deliberately to Kakashi, placing his hand on the younger ninja's shoulder. The Copy Nin immediately tensed. "Manners, Kakashi. Did I dismiss you yet?"

"N-no, Hokage-sama."

"That's what I thought. Now, take a seat! I have some things I need to discuss with you."

"Things?" Kakashi checked the chair for traps before hesitantly sitting down.

"Yes. Things like your next assignment, in fact." Minato's grin grew wider. "Well, next few assignments, to be more specific."

Kakashi's finger twitched, but he didn't respond.

"I put your name in the pool for Jonin-sensei. Once he graduates, Naruto will be on your team."  _And you better not fail my son_  was the unspoken but clearly present subtext.

He stared at his former teacher. This was perfect. This was absolutely  _perfect_.

"Oh. Ok." Kakashi was unable to completely hide his absolute  _giddiness_ at Minato's words. Now he could keep an eye on all three of his little minions-to-be without attracting attention. He'd make sure that this Team 7 would never split, even if it killed them. "Can I pick the other two?"

Minato looked like someone had suddenly rasengan-ed him in the face. Kakashi hid a smile at his former teacher's shock. With this coup de grâce, Minato had forced Kakashi to take on students (which he assumed the Council was still howling for him to do), annoyed his former student immensely, and given Naruto to a trusted Jonin-sensei who would die to protect his son. Minato's revenge would have been flawless… four years ago, when Kakashi was firmly against teaching any kind of brat.

 _This_  Kakashi was content—no,  _eager_ —to start training his adorable team.

The Hokage still hadn't answered, his mouth open in confusion.

"Great!" Kakashi's eye crinkled. "I want also Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura on my team."

Though it seemed impossible, Minato grew even more shocked, though he finally managed to weakly respond. "Kakashi, that team would be a recipe for  _disaster_. Sasuke and Naruto would work well together, but adding Haruno Sakura would completely…" The blonde trailed off and winced at the thought.

"Oh? You know who Sakura is?" Kakashi looked at his old teacher with interest. Sakura had always been the overlooked one. Even the Sandaime, back in his original dimension, had only placed her on Team 7 as an afterthought.

Minato shot him a dry look. "Of course I do. I get a complaint about her every other day. The Academy Teachers call her the 'Fangirl from Hell.' I don't think I've ever seen a more lethal civilian child."

"Even better!" chirped,  _chirped_ Kakashi. "So you understand how incredible this team could be! They'll definitely surpass the Sannin."

The Hokage blinked rapidly. Alright, something was definitely wrong with his former student. Why was Kakashi  _enthusiastic about taking a team?_  He hated children! (Excluding Naruto, but Naruto was Kakashi's brother in every way but blood, so he didn't count.) Minato frowned, intent on getting to the bottom of this.

"Kakashi—" A large thump interrupted the Yondaime.

"Oh?" The silver-haired ninja somehow shrugged in a cheerful way. "That sounds like an ANBU agent crashing into your barrier."

Another thump punctuated his statement.

"Looks like it's urgent. Well, I better go! I don't want to take up any more of your valuable time."

After the third thump, Minato grudgingly deactivated the barrier. "Fine. But don't think I'll let this go," the blonde added, eyes narrowing as he scrutinized the younger's man far too innocent expression.

"I don't know what you mean, sensei. I'll see you later!" He was saved from further interrogation when the ANBU operative finally managed to make it through the window.

Kakashi half-saluted the very irritated cat-masked agent and vanished in a swirl of leaves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mass update part two.


	6. Wasting the Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: This Chapter Suffers from a Lack of Gai and an Overabundance of Uchiha

Once again, the Copy Nin found himself training in an abandoned field near the outskirts of Konoha. His brief encounter with Orochimaru had made Kakashi painfully aware of his limitations. Clearly, his current body wasn't ready for the shit-storm of ridiculous opponents it would soon be facing. Kakashi was going to get his trouble-magnet of a team back, and he wouldn't let anyone hurt his little minions  _this_  time.

After he finished his training regime, Kakashi decided to work again on his Mangekyo. Having the advanced form of the Sharingan would be a huge advantage this time around. (Not to mention the rather useful dimension-traveling ability. After all, he still planned on going home. Eventually.) Trump cards were always nice, but the Mangekyo was useless if he couldn't control it. Kakashi raised his hitai-ate, and the three tomoe swirled hypnotically.

"Sir?"

Sighing, Kakashi covered his eye and turned around. He hid his annoyance and smiled at the rather frightened ANBU rookie who had interrupted his training.

"Yes?"

"Hokage-sama requests your presence in his office immediately."

Kakashi nodded abruptly in response, and the relieved operative vanished with a silent blur. After stretching, Kakashi started jogging leisurely in the direction of civilization. If his Minato-Meter was still working, then he still had about an hour left before his former-sensei became irritated.

* * *

From east end of the village, it was a literal hop, skip, and jump to the Hokage's Residence. At least, it  _would_  have been a hop, skip, and jump—had a giant hand not suddenly snatched Kakashi out of the sky.

"Jiraiya-sama," he carefully greeted. Kakashi plastered a smile onto his face as he shifted uncomfortably. The Sannin had grabbed Kakashi by his vest, hoisting him into the air like a disobedient puppy.

"Kakashi," grumbled back Jiraiya. The older man made no move to set Kakashi down. Instead, he glared at his student's student with a mixture of suspicion, irritation, and exasperation.

Passerby gawked at the strange sight on the rooftop. Several stopped and openly stared. Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi even noticed several poorly-concealed ANBU agents watching with fascination. Great. Now they were making a scene.

He discreetly glanced at the sun's position and frowned. Kakashi was already two hours late to his meeting with Minato, and even his former teacher had limits to how long he was willing to wait.

"Although I  _am_  happy to see you, I really have to meet with Minato-sensei," Kakashi hinted.

"What a coincidence." Jiraiya's eyes narrowed. "I've got a scroll for him. You can deliver it to him for me, right?"

"Uh… the meeting's urgent," he hedged. "I don't think I have—"

"Oh, shut up." Jiraiya began dragging his grand-student across the rooftops, heading in the opposite direction of the Residence. Kakashi tensed slightly, prepared to make a run for it. "And if you escape—or even try to," the Toad Sannin added, "I'll tell Tsunade to catch you up on your medical checkups.  _All_  of them."

Sullenly, Kakashi crossed his arms and acquiesced.

Once they arrived at Jiraiya's home, the Sannin unceremoniously dumped Kakashi on the floor. Jiraiya ran through several seals, and the house glowed with the light of chakra as the complicated seals activated.

"Here, brat." Jiraiya handed Kakashi an oddly-familiar scroll.  _Wait… this is one of the scrolls from Danzo's hideout._  Gingerly, he opened the scroll, admiring the careful counter-sealing etched on the paper.

"Oh, and take these too." The Sannin tossed Kakashi eight more scrolls. The younger shinobi snagged them out of the air with nonchalance.

"What are these?" he asked as he examined the unfamiliar scrolls.

"Those are some of Danzo's other scrolls," answered Jiraiya. The older man looked mildly surprised when he noticed Kakashi's blank expression. "What, you didn't hear about that?" Jiraiya paused and answered his own question. "Never mind. You were on that mission. Anyway, Minato and I were working on decoding the sealing arrays on Danzo's scroll. When we finally unlocked the scrolls, we found out that… Danzo hadn't disbanded ROOT."

Kakashi tried to act shocked. "What? ROOT's still active? What a surprise!"

Jiraiya frowned with suspicion and stared at Kakashi for a solid minute. Kakashi suppressed the urge to fidget and instead kept his expression of false surprise. Finally, Jiraiya resumed speaking.

"As you can guess, Minato threw a fit and shut everything down. Or at least, he tried to. We still aren't sure how deep ROOT's roots are." The Sannin snickered once before continuing. "Danzo's been arrested, thankfully. He's with T&I right now, but the senile bastard hasn't cracked yet. So  _I_ have the wonderful task of unsealing all the geezer's scrolls!" Jiraiya angrily gestured to the giant pile of papers behind him.

Kakashi felt slightly apprehensive. "While I appreciate you telling me all this… why  _are_  you telling me all this?"  _Isn't Minato-sensei supposed to brief me?_

Jiraiya smiled savagely. "You got me into this mess. You're going get me out of it. I talked to Minato, and he agreed to give you the  _honor_ of assisting me. Isn't that great? You get to be my personal slave!"

"Uh…" Kakashi backed away. "I'm a bit busy right now. I promised to help an old lady with her groceries."

"Dismantling an illegal splinter faction is more important than groceries." Jiraiya dismissed the excuse. "In fact, it's  _so_  important that we should get started  _right now_."

The Toad Sannin cackled when Kakashi's face turned the same color as his hair. With sadistic glee, Jiraiya threw several more scrolls at the younger shinobi. Now looking rather swamped under all the paper, Kakashi tried again, this time using a more legitimate reason.

"But Minato-sensei and the meeting…"

"I already sent a toad. He knows where you are." Jiraiya glanced expectantly at Kakashi. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Sighing heavily, Kakashi sat at the table and began the tedious work of unsealing each of Danzo's scrolls. Sadly, each seal was unique and required a completely different counterseal. He methodically began the long process, first analyzing the matrices before working the triagrams. Kakashi repeated the procedure several times, soon losing himself in the monotonous task.

"What are you doing?" Jiraiya's harsh voice cut through his concentration.

Kakashi froze, brush hovering above the paper.

"I'm unsealing the scroll."

"Give me that!" Jiraiya grabbed the previously mentioned artifact and scrutinized the drawn symbols, studying the ink with intensity. After a few seconds, he handed the paper back to Kakashi with mild surprise. "Huh. You  _were_  unsealing the scroll."

"Obviously." Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What did you think I was doing?"

"It's just that... your methods are so strange." Jiraiya frowned. "Why are you using  _that_  method?"

The Hatake shrugged, suddenly self-conscious and a little nervous.  _For some reason, my sealing has made Jiraiya even more suspicious. Dammit. I was planning on asking him about the Akatsuki, but that will only make things worse._ Hiding his discomfort, Kakashi ducked his head and continued with the counterseals.

* * *

Minato grinned when he saw a miffed Kakashi enter his office with a bundle of scrolls.

"I see that you've finished decoding the second batch of scrolls. Excellent!"

Kakashi simply glared at the smug blonde—who looked as pleased as a toad with a particularly obese fly. Minato was a firm believer in the adage about revenge and cold food. Except Minato also believed in serving  _that_  dish repeatedly.

"Is there anything  _else_  you needed?"  _Any other acts of retribution you wish to carry out? This is payback for the Academy, isn't it._

"Hmm…" The Yondaime pretended to think about it. "Actually, yes. Itachi's birthday is in a week."

The inter-dimensional traveler blinked. "So?"

"You're coming to the birthday party."

Kakashi nearly dropped the scrolls onto the floor. " _What!?_ " Carefully, he set the delicate pieces of parchment on Minato's desk. Then, he continued. "Why hell would I go to  _Itachi's_ birthday party?"  _The words_ birthday party, Itachi,  _and_  me  _should never be in the same sentence. Ever._ "Besides, don't the Uchiha elders hate me?"

Minato scoffed. "Who cares what they think? Their opinion is irrelevant. You were Itachi's captain in ANBU, you'll be Sasuke's jonin-sensei in a few weeks,  _and_  you were my apprentice. If you can't attend the party, then no one can." Kakashi knew from experience that the last sentence was no idle threat. Fuck. Now he couldn't even use the elders as an excuse.

The blonde's grin grew wider. "Why aren't you excited? Don't you want a chance to woo Itachi-chan?"

 _No. No, I am not_   _excited. I will_ never _be excited for a chance to woo Itachi. I don't even want to_ think _about it._

The Yondaime almost pouted. "Come on, Kashi! It'll be fun! The celebration requires formal attire, so you can wear a kimono. I'm sure a certain  _someone_  will be really impressed. Girls love kimonos!"

Kakashi's visible eye twitched slightly.  _Formal wear? Fuck no._

"Please?" Minato's eyes grew wide, and the Copy Nin was oddly reminded of Naruto begging for ramen. Kakashi coughed and tried to change the subject away from Itachi—anything to distract his former sensei.

"So, I heard that ROOT wasn't disbanded."

Minato's expression immediately grew sober, and Kakashi felt slightly guilty for ruining the cheerful atmosphere. Then he remembered that Minato was trying to  _set him up with Itachi,_ and the guilt disappeared.

"Correct," said the blonde. "Danzo has been running ROOT right under our noses." The Hokage sighed, looking several years older. "And the methods he used to train them…" Minato's fists clenched, and Kakashi caught a glimpse of thunderous fury on the normally cheerful man's face.

The silver-haired shinobi felt a shiver run down his spine.  _I'd hate to be Danzo right now. Well, I'd hate to be Danzo at any time, but I would hate especially hate to be him right now._ Minato had been the one to raise the Academy graduation age—and he had always been a firm advocate for letting children be children, something that had always annoyed the younger, stick-up-his-ass Kakashi. Danzo was  _literally_  ruining childhood and basically stood for the opposite of everything Minato believed in.

With casual, totally-not-planned indifference, Kakashi examined one of the scrolls. "Did you encounter an operative named Sai?" Ok, that wasn't even  _close_  to subtle. Oops.  _I blame Minato for my occasional flashiness and lack of tact._

Startled, the Yondaime looked up. "Actually, I did. The twelve year old…" Minato trailed off. "How do you know about him?"

"You should definitely assign him as Tenzo's apprentice," said Kakashi, ignoring his ex-sensei's question. "Sai needs someone slightly stable, and a student will help Tenzo become less… Tenzo. Also, they both have really weird abilities. They're perfect for each other!"

Minato blinked once. "Huh. You're right." He scribbled a note down before redoubling his glare. "But that's beside the point. Answer the question, Kakashi."

"It's because of Orochimaru," he replied smoothly. "He was working with Danzo, and he told me about ROOT."  _When in trouble, blame Orochimaru. It's not a shinobi rule, but it should be one. Maybe I should petition for it to be added as a sub-clause for Rule 29._

The Hokage looked a bit confused as he pondered Kakashi's answer. "But didn't you discover ROOT  _before_  you met with Orochimaru?"

There was a beat of awkward silence.

"Maybe?"

"Kakashi…" A hint of warning entered Minato's voice. "I have a feeling that you aren't being entirely honest about this Orochimaru situation."

Kakashi winced.  _But speaking of Orochimaru and honesty…_

The Copy Nin had been brooding over the Snake Sannin's words in the forest—specifically, the ones about the Hyuuga. He had dismissed the claim initially, but after returning to the village and doing some research, Kakashi had found some discrepancies in the village records.  _Oh, to hell with subtlety. Ninjas don't really need to be subtle._

"When I was fighting against Orochimaru," Kakashi said slowly, "he also mentioned something about the Hyuuga." For once, this was something that the Snake Sannin had  _actually_  said. "Sensei, did Orochimaru massacre the Hyuuga clan on orders from the village?"

A pause that lasted a moment too long. Then, an overly-bright smile.

"Of course not! That's ridiculous!"

_Lie._

"Yeah, that's what I thought," murmured Kakashi. He averted his eyes and stared at the toad figurine on the Hokage's desk. "I should probably go now. Jiraiya-sama is waiting for me."

Minato glanced down at his papers, a mixture of emotions clouding his bright blue eyes. Kakashi didn't wait for a response.

* * *

Partly out of misplaced guilt and fear of continued retribution, the Copy Nin  _did_ end up going to Itachi's party. In a kimono.

"Kashi-nii," whined Naruto, "why do I need to wear this stupid dress?"

Well, at least he didn't have to suffer alone.

"Because of the Uchiha," he replied shortly. Everything bad could be traced back to the Uchiha.

Naruto groaned. "But it's so  _stupid!"_

"You mentioned that already."

The blonde crossed his arms and groaned. "This party's boring. Where's Sasuke? I looked  _everywhere_ for him!"

"He's by the pillar next to the third table."

"Oh." Naruto squinted. "You're right! Thanks, Kashi-nii!" The boy sprinted to Sasuke, loudly shouting his friend's name.

Kakashi smiled with mild exasperation. Naruto was apparently obnoxious and noisy in  _every_  dimension. Finally alone, Kakashi did his best to blend into the background. He'd managed to avoid socializing with everyone but Naruto, and he intended to keep it that way.

Then he noticed Asuma standing in the corner, chatting to some unimportant shinobi.

Well, Kakashi supposed he could make an exception for dead-but-not-dead friends. He quietly made his way to the bearded jonin, waiting until Asuma's conversation was over before catching the man's attention.

"Kakashi!" exclaimed the Sarutobi. "You're here! And… in a kimono."

"Yes." Kakashi grinned and reached out to briefly clasp Asuma's arm—partly as a friendly gesture, partly to reassure himself that Asuma was actually real. "I missed you," he said warmly.  _Try not to die again, ok?_

Asuma blanched. "What happened? Did someone die? Are  _you_  going to die? Oh God. What's wrong? Tell me, Kakashi!"

Kakshi quirked an eyebrow. "Nothing's wrong. Nobody died."  _Why does everyone freak out when I express emotion? Is it really that unusual?_ Kakashi thought about it for a moment.  _Never mind_ _._

"But… but you…" The other main flailed as he searched for words. The inter-dimensional traveler rolled his eyes.

"Where's Kurenai?" asked Kakashi, changing subjects before his friend suffered from an aneurysm.

Asuma's eyes widened, caught off guard by the sudden shift in topics. "She's on a mission. Why?"

"You should marry her," he advised.

Asuma almost swallowed his unlit cigarrete. He choked, nearly falling over as he hacked and coughed. "Where the  _fuck_  did that come from?" wheezed Asuma.

 _You were planning on marrying her anyway. You two didn't get a chance in my dimension, and that's something Kurenai always regretted._ Kakashi stared blandly at the former Hokage's son. "Asuma, even  _I_ noticed your relationship with her. I think it's time to ask her the big question."

The other jonin's jaw dropped, and he gaped at the nonchalant shinobi. Desperate to end the conversation, Asuma searched wildly for a diversion. "Itachi-san!" he called out, noticing that the kunoichi was alone by the refreshments. The Uchiha heiress turned and made her way to the two ninja standing at the back.

 _Why!? Why is this happening? I do_ not _want to associate with female-Itachi! Being seen together will only make things worse!_

"Sarutobi-san," greeted Itachi. Her eyes flickered to Kakashi. "Hatake-senpai."

"Uchiha-san," Kakashi replied stiffly. Asuma glanced at his friend with surprise. The atmosphere between the two former teammates was awkward and definitely not normal. Asuma didn't know if the rumors were true… but something had certainly changed.

The uncomfortable silence continued. "Uh… happy birthday, Itachi-san." Asuma had already said it to her before, but he said it again to break the tense mood.

"Yes." Kakashi looked away. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you." Itachi fixed Kakashi with a piercing gaze. Kakashi did his best to ignore her.

"If you'll excuse me," the silver-haired shinobi said abruptly. He walked away, leaving the Uchiha and Sarutobi to stare after him. The remaining two stood in silence for a few moments.

Asuma looked back at Itachi. "If you don't mind me asking… what happened?"

Itachi shrugged almost hopelessly. "I do not know."

* * *

In the meantime, Kakashi hid in the corner of the room, nursing a glass of wine.  _Why did I ever think socializing was a good idea? Talking to people always causes problems._

"Are you enjoying the party?" A mellow voice interrupted his introspection.

 _No!_ "Of course." Kakashi smiled and inclined his head. "Uchiha-dono."

The Uchiha matriarch smiled as well. "Mikoto is fine."

Kakashi nodded absently as he furtively searched for an escape route.

"Have you tried the refreshments?"

"Yes. The wine is excellent." The jonin began inching away from the retired kunoichi.

"I agree. My husband was the one to choose the selection." Mikoto laughed lightly. "Believe it or not, he also choose Itachi's kimono. It looks beautiful on her, don't you think?"

"…I suppose."

A frightening gleam came into the Uchiha's eyes.  _Shit._

"I am glad to hear that," said Mikoto, satisfaction bleeding into her tone.

He gulped. "Uh, it was nice talking to you!" Kakashi took the opportunity to escape. Nothing good ever happened when an Uchiha had that expression. He knew that all too well.

Kakashi decided to head to the gardens—most of the people were still inside, mingling and fraternizing. He should be safe outdoors. Kakashi immediately relaxed when he reached the elegant grounds. There was a reason he hated parties; all those people made him feel cornered and jittery. Kakashi leaned against a large oak tree with relief, relishing the relative quiet. Now, if only he had his  _Icha Icha_ …

"No, I hate  _you!"_  shrieked a familiar voice. Kakashi immediately tensed, and the pleasant feeling evaporated.  _That was Naruto. What happened?_ Kakashi felt slivers of panic creep into his heart.  _Did Sasuke suddenly become murderous? It's a bit early and entirely unexpected, but who knows what goes on in that kid's mind?_

Kakashi's eyes narrowed as Naruto burst out from the bushes with tears running down his cheeks.

"Naruto, what's wrong?" Kakashi's hand went to his hidden kunai.

The blonde immediately changed directions and ran towards Kakashi. He latched onto the jonin, burying his face into the kimono. Kakashi awkwardly patted the boy's head, unsure of how to offer comfort.

"I-it's Sasuke," hiccuped Naruto.  _Of course. It's always Sasuke._

"What did Sasuke do?"  _Please don't tell me he tried to kill you._

"He… he said he wasn't my friend anymore!" Naruto shouted. "I was talking 'bout you and how you were going to marry Itachi and Sasuke got mad and he said you were stupid so I got mad and said you weren't stupid but then Sasuke said he hated me and I punched him and he punched me so I kicked him and he ran away and I did too!"

_Oh. That's… better than I expected. But I still don't know what to do._

He hugged Kakashi tighter. "I'm sorry, nii-chan! I just got mad cause he was being mean so I—"

"Breathe," ordered Kakashi. "And relax. It's not your fault."

Naruto's sobs slowly subsided. Kakashi watched with mild fascination as the bruise on the boy's cheek began to fade. He ruffled Naruto's hair before picking the kid up and carrying him inside, ignoring the squirming boy's protests. Kakashi would give him to Minato. Minato would know what to do. Crying kids were  _not_  Kakashi's forte.

Kakashi stopped in his tracks when he realized something terrible.

_Naruto and Sasuke hate each other now. Aw, fuck! Does this mean I have a dysfunctional Team 7 again?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mass update part three.
> 
> A huge shout-out to Whispering Darkness! Thanks for recommending this story! Her/his oneshot The life and times of Hatake Kakashi, nukenin features a dimensional-traveling nukenin Kakashi.


	7. Burning the Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Finally Gai! And More Misunderstandings.

The inter-dimensional traveler leaped across the rooftops, intent on getting home as soon as possible. He really needed a long, hot shower—

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL!"

Well, there went his plans for relaxation.

Tears streamed down Gai's face as he barreled towards Kakashi. "I HAVE RETURNED!" His smile gleamed bright enough to blind—dazzling in its luminescence, more radiant than a thousand suns burning with Springtime.

As usual, Gai swept Kakashi into a hug, intent on sharing his Youthful Affection for his Rival.

And Gai almost dropped him when  _Kakashi returned the gesture._

Sure, the hug was brief, but Kakashi  _allowed_  it. He did not use kawarimi, shunshin, or some other technique. He did not disappear, act indifferent, or try to avoid the attack—er, hug. For Youth's sake, Kakashi didn't even sigh in barely concealed irritation!

Slowly, Gai set Kakashi down and grabbed his shoulders, peering at his friend.

"My Eternal Rival," said Gai carefully, volume closer to a normal person's, "Are you alright?"

"Of course." Kakashi smiled, eye crinkling in genuine happiness. Though Kakashi would never admit it out loud, Gai was one of his closest friends. An exuberant (if mildly disturbed) Gai—compared to the crippled one who had nearly sacrificed his life to save the world—was a joy to see.

"Has some Discontent from the depths of Winter struck you?" The taijutsu master eyed his friend with suspicion.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Kakashi blinked as he got a closer look at his friend. Now that he was no longer overwhelmed by the man's personality, Kakashi realized something rather important. "Gai. You're blue."

At this point, the dimensional traveler had already passed the event horizon of freaking out.

All the weird changes had left him simply numb. Frankly, Kakashi was tired of reacting to every difference. At this point, he honestly wouldn't care if Madara burst out of the Hokage Mountain on a unicorn.

While Kakashi was staring into space, wondering about his sanity, Gai had struck Nice Guy Pose #45.

"Of course I am Blue!" he boomed. "I am Konoha's Blue Beast!"

Yeah… no. It had taken Kakashi ten years to become desensitized to the green suit. He wasn't going to go through that terrible process again. Sure, Gai's suit might actually match his  _name_  in this dimension, but that really didn't matter. "Come on, Gai."

"Where are we going, Esteemed Rival?" Gai's caterpillar eyebrows mashed together. Was his Rival…  _voluntarily_  spending time with him?

Kakashi simply shrugged before taking off across the rooftops. After meandering around Konoha for a bit, he finally found the village's oldest shop. Besides being ancient and excellent in regards to weapons, the shop—simply known as the Shop—was also known for having the worst possible taste in regards to clothing. Obviously, Gai did all his shopping there.

(Until Gai dragged Kakashi along to the Shop for one of the challenges, Kakashi had simply assumed that the bodysuits poofed into existence on Gai-power alone. Sadly, his misconceptions were corrected when Gai challenged him to a jumpsuit-wearing contest. Kakashi immediately forfeited.)

The Shop was run by a deaf old man who had lived through the Warring Clan Era and all three wars. No one really knew how that was possible, but it was generally accepted as a fact of life. Water was wet, fire was hot, and the old man was alive.

Said old man immediately shouted at them, waving his kunai-tipped cane with enthusiasm.

"Gay! Kakapoo! I have a new shipment of shuriken, fresh from the forges!"

"Most Youthful Old Man!" Gai shouted back. "It is an Honor as always!"

"Eh? Didn't Hotaka die?"

Kakashi winced as Gai and the old continued their conversation/shouting match. Soon, the discussion grew loud enough to make firecrackers sound like whispers.

Unable to stand it anymore, Kakashi coughed to get Gai's attention. It was time to put his plan into action. "Gai, why do you wear blue?"

The taijutsu master puffed out his chest, calling attention the suit that looked like the heavens had spewed neon barf all over it. "Because Blue is the most Youthful Color! It is the Hue of the Spring Skies, the very Symbol of Limitlessness!"

"Actually, isn't green the most youthful color? Green is the Color of Spring, and Spring is the most Youthful season, right?" Kakashi immediately grimaced. Gai-speak always made him feel vaguely sick. Regardless, he continued on. "You should wear this suit instead." After some searching, Kakashi found a familiar green tracksuit on the rack. He pointed at it

Gai froze.

Kakashi's hand instantly went to his weapons pouch. Gai being still meant one of two things: enemies or sudden bursts of Youth. Both were equally dangerous.

"Eternal Rival," breathed Gai, "you are right. Green  _is_  a youthful color."

_Mission accomplished._

Gai continued to gaze at the suit. "And Blue is youthful as well. As is Red."

Wait... what?

"And Orange and Purple and Yellow! All the Colors in this Amazing World are Youthful!" Gai reached into the clothing racks and pulled out the Most Horrifying Monstrosity Known to Man.

"From this day forth, I shall be known as the RAINBOW BEAST! Thank you, Eternal Rival! I must share my Youthful New Image with the World!"

The newly-dubbed shinobi ran out of the store in a burst of color.

Kakashi stared mutely after him.

Remember that thing he said about crossing the Event Horizon of Strangeness?

_I take it back. I take all of it back._

Slowly, the Copy Nin closed his eyes.

_What have I done?_

* * *

Minato knew something was wrong.

He hadn't become the Yondaime for his looks, after all. His analytical mind and extraordinary people-skills had served him well as a soldier and even better as the Hokage.

"Kakashi's acting strange."

"You think?" Jiraiya snorted. "You'd have to be blind not to notice."

Troubled, Minato ran his fingers through his hair. "His personality's changed. He's become more… relaxed. He's a bit, well, happier? Not that that's a bad thing, it's just—'"

"Strange and somewhat terrifying?" supplied the Sannin.

"Exactly." Minato's frown deepened. "And Kakashi seems to know… things."

The older man raised an eyebrow. "Things?"

After activating an additional (and rather unnecessary) privacy seal, the Hokage continued. "Things he shouldn't know. Things like… Orochimaru."

Jiraiya inhaled sharply. "He knows?"

"Yes," confirmed Minato. "He asked me if Orochimaru was innocent."

The white-haired man slowly shook his head. "Fucking hell. First he discovers ROOT, then he learns all of Orochimaru's plans, and now…" The Sannin sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit." He rubbed his temples and grumbled under his breath. "But you have to admit. It's all pretty suspicious."

"I know."

"Have you talked to the Yamanaka yet?"

The Yondaime's eyes narrowed. "No. Why?"

"Well, a mind-probe might—

"I am  _not_  subjecting Kakashi to an invasive procedure reserved for traitors and spies!" snapped Minato. "He's been acting strange, but he's done  _nothing_ wrong. His actions have only helped Konoha!"

The sannin frown grew deeper. "I'm only saying this because I care, Minato. I don't want you to make the same mistake as Hiruzen-sensei."

"Kakashi is  _not_  Orochimaru." There was a long pause. "And if— _if_  he was, I would not hesitate to take further action," Minato said quietly. He held his teacher's gaze. "I'll keep an eye on him for now, but I will  _not_ do anything else without proof."

The toad sage sighed deeply. "Alright." Jiraiya hesitated for a moment, deliberating his next words. "Say, did you teach Kakashi a new sealing style or something?"

Minato blinked at the non-sequitur. "What do you mean?"

"Kakashi was helping me unseal those scrolls, and his style was completely different. I mean, it was damn good, but completely different from what he normally does. It's almost like he… retaught himself or something."

"You're not making sense, sensei."

Jiraiya huffed. "It's like Kakashi forgot half your teachings and replaced it with this weird, unorthodox mishmash. He's using the basic seals in a ridiculous, though effective, way."

Minato stared at the older man. "That's… Oh."

"Yeah."

Minato narrowed his eyes. He was definitely getting to the bottom of this.

* * *

"You too?" asked Genma.

"Yeah." Asuma's fingers twitched towards his carton of cigarettes. "Did we get called for mission?"

"Dunno." Genma chewed on his senbon. "I know Raido's off on special recon or something. Maybe it's related?"

Both the jonin jumped when the door opened.

"MOST ESTEEMED FRIENDS!"

Genma's eyes bugged. Asuma choked on his own breath. The multi-colored Gai simply beamed. "How Youthful to see You!"

The tokubetsu jonin let out a strangled whimper while the Sarutobi shut his eyes as he tried not to hyperventilate.

"What the hell…" said Genma weakly.

"G-Gai. You… you what… that…" Asuma gave up and concentrated on keeping the remaining threads of his sanity.

"I see you have noticed my New Jumpsuit of Springtime!"

Thankfully, before Gai could continue his Oration of Youth, the door opened a second time. The Yondaime strode in, coat flaring. The two Sannin and an ANBU operative followed right after.

"I'm sure you're all wondering—" Minato did a double-take when he noticed the  _vibrant_ taijutsu master. Valiantly, the Hokage continued, "wondering why I summoned you here."

The ANBU member nearly walked into the wall, the suit blinding him with its pure luminescence. After regaining his bearings, the operative attempted to fade into the background. The masked shinobi finally gave up on stealth and simply stood behind the Hokage while glaring at the oblivious taijutsu master.

Minato tried to ignore both Gai's new uniform and the traumatized expressions on the other's faces. "The matter is of utmost importance." The Hokage's serious words caused the other ninja to become solemn. Well, all the other ninja excluding Tsunade; she still looked like she wanted to punch Gai through the wall.

The Yondaime paused, letting the importance of the situation sink in. "It's about Kakashi," he said quietly. "He's been a bit... different."

There were murmurs of agreement.

"You can say that again," mumbled Genma.

"Even his chakra's changed." Tsunade crossed her arms. "He has one of the worst spiritual imbalances I've ever seen."

The ANBU operative seemed almost desperate to say something, but he simply shifted positions slightly.

"Indeed!" boomed Gai. "My Eternal Rival has become more Youthful! He returned my Friendly Gestures and recommended my Wardrobe Change of Springtime!"

The tokubetsu jonin glanced at Gai and shook his head slowly. " _Kakashi_  recommended that? Fucking goddamn rainbows…  _Rainbows._  Was blue not enough?" mumbled Genma. "I'm going to fucking kill him."

Asuma spoke up. "Kakashi actually recommended that I  _marry_ Kurenai. How the hell did he know? And when did he start caring about relationships?"

"Um… Asuma, it's actually pretty obvious." Genma rolled his eyes.

The other jonin ignored his friend and continued. "And he's acted abnormally strange around Itachi. The atmosphere is beyond awkward. It's almost… as if…" Asuma trailed off and frowned.

"Yes…" mused Minato. "His attitude towards Itachi has certainly become different. Perhaps there's a problem in their relationship."

Genma pursed his lips. Kakashi  _had_  been acting strange around Itachi. He kept avoiding the Uchiha heiress, even though they were supposed to be dating. Everyone knew of Kakashi's commitment issues, but the Copy Nin's sudden cold feet made no sense unless something drastic like... Suddenly Genma's eyes widened, and his senbon clattered to the floor. Everyone turned to look at the tokubetsu jonin. "Holy shit," he breathed. "Is Itachi pregnant?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, utter pandemonium.

* * *

Kakashi had a stalker.

Granted, his stalker was a very good one. Annoying, but very good.

Despite being a fairly good sensor, Kakashi couldn't sense his mysterious follower at all. In fact, the only reason he knew he  _had_  a stalker was because of pure luck and a good nose.

"I know you're there."

Silence.

Kakashi sighed. "I'm a tracker. I know when someone's following me."

After a few minutes, the leaves rustled. Suddenly, the stalker appeared before him.

"Hatake-senpai," greeted the Uchiha heiress.

Kakashi blinked once. That was unexpected. "With all due respect… why the hell are you stalking me?"

Itachi's expression didn't change. "I was not stalking you. It was simply a coincidence."

He raised an eyebrow. "It's simply a coincidence that we ran into each other in an abandoned field on the outskirts of Konoha?"

The slightest hesitation. "Yes."

He stared at her. She stared back.

"Alright then." Kakashi turned away. "Now, if you'll excuse me—"

"Hatake-senpai! Stop running away!" Itachi raised her voice in anger. Kakashi stopped dead in his tracks.

He paused, and then faced her again. "What do you mean?" he asked warily.

"I am not blind," she snapped. "I know that you are avoiding me." Itachi quickly regained her composure, the placid mask settling once more on her face. "That was very unbecoming. Please forgive me."

A few seconds passed.

Suddenly, Itachi bowed. "I am sorry," she said again.

Kakashi resisted the urge to laugh as hysteria colored his thoughts. Itachi was apologizing. Itachi was apologizing  _to him._  What the fuck?

"Uh… why are you apologizing?"

"I seem to have offended you. I do not know how, but I wish to remedy the situation. I consider you to be not only my former superior, but also an acquaintance. Perhaps even a friend. Please let me know if I have done anything wrong."

Oh. Well, that made sense. Kakashi, oddly enough, felt vaguely guilty. Itachi's abomination-status wasn't entirely  _her_ fault.

"It's not you," he said. "It's me."  _Ugh, this would sound so strange out of context. Almost like a break-up scene._ He shuddered at the thought.

Itachi shot him a skeptical look.

"Really!" he hurriedly added. "It's not that I dislike you or anything… I just don't want to talk to you. Or be around you. Or have anything to do with you."

Dammit! There it was again—that flash of hurt on Itachi's face. Ugh, why did this world's Itachi have  _feelings?_

Her eyes narrowed. "Fine."

Kakashi was about to breathe a sigh of relief.

"On one condition."

He immediately tensed, becoming wary again. "What is it?"

"Spar with me."

Kakashi frowned, confused and even more suspicious. "Spar? Why?"

"Do I need a reason?" asked Itachi, arching a brow. Her expression was a bit too innocent to actually be innocent.

The dimensional traveler blinked. "Yes. Yes, you do need a reason." Kakashi didn't think for one second that Itachi was doing this for  _fun_. Behind this was some diabolical plot. He was sure of it.

Itachi simply ignored him. "Standard spar rules." She gracefully shifted stances, holding one hand in front of her.

"Just a spar?" His suspicion increased. "Nothing else?"

Itachi tilted her head. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"  _Yeah, innocence really doesn't suit Itachi. Not even a little bit._

Kakashi adjusted his footing slightly, simply to telegraph his acceptance. He raised his hitai-ate, exposing the borrowed Sharingan. "I agree to the conditions of the spar."

Itachi's dark eyes turned red. Silently, they both made the seal of confrontation.

The Uchiha moved first, tossing shuriken in a perfect arc. Kakashi dodged and sent a few kunai of his own to test the waters. With blinding speed, Itachi twisted and spun in a kick, forcing the other jonin back.

Kakashi's hand twitched with the urge to activate his raikiri.  _Shit._  He ruthlessly suppressed it and instead retaliated with a simple fire jutsu. Logically, he knew that this Itachi wasn't trying to kill or even maim him, but Kakashi's instincts screamed for him to skewer the girl.

Old habits were hard to break.

The air crackled with heat as bright flames billowed around the two ninja. Itachi's hands blurred as she summoned an inferno of her own, redirecting the dissipating flames away. The world distorted as she dashed forward, kunai in hand.

Kakashi's sharingan spun as it tried to break through the genjutsu. His vision shifted slightly, but the world remained twisted and off balance.  _Clever,_ he thought dimly.  _The genjutsu probably focuses less on the visual cortex and more on the cerebellum._

He sent a surge of chakra through his pathways, breaking the illusion. Kakashi used his keen sense of smell to compensate as he reoriented himself. Following the distinct scent of spice and embers, Kakashi sent a crackle of lightning towards the kunoichi.

Itachi dodged and created a wave of fire, setting the surrounding foliage ablaze. She vanished in the swirling smoke and ashes. The scent of burning leaves filled the air, overpowering his senses.

Kakashi simply waited, tense as a taut wire.

Suddenly, a web of chakra entangled his senses. He dispelled the second genjutsu and turned, blocking the blow. Kunai clashed against kunai. Sparks flashed as the metal made contact. The battle abruptly shifted into a taijutsu one, and the two engaged in a dance of weapons and fists.

Kakashi avoided the whirlwind of blows, sharingan working in overdrive. Itachi weaved in and out, lethal elegance displayed in every movement.

Kakashi felt his sharingan instinctively change shape as adrenaline coursed through his veins.  _Fuck!_  He clamped down on the flow of chakra, keeping the eye in its three tomoe form.  _That was way too close._

Seizing advantage of his momentary distraction, Itachi leaped in for the kill.  _Not for the kill! She isn't trying to kill you, remember? And you aren't supposed to kill her!_

His eyes narrowed. He recognized this move—it had been used on him before. Kakashi twisted out of the way, using the flat of his blade to trap his opponent's own weapon. He could easily end it now.

Crimson eyes stared into a mismatched pair.

Slowly, deliberately, Kakashi disengaged from the deadlock. He tossed his kunai onto the floor. "I yield." The spar had gone on for far too long.

Itachi's eyes abruptly turned black, widening with surprise.

Kakashi held out his hand for the seal of reconciliation. Itachi hesitantly returned the gesture. She briefly touched her fingers to his.

Kakashi turned away and vanished.

Slowly, Itachi bent down and picked up the discarded weapon. She examined it and frowned.

* * *

"How could you do that to Itachi?" Genma shook his head. "I thought you were smarter than that."

Kakashi looked up from his book. "What did I do to Itachi?" He frowned as he searched his memory for the perceived offense. He'd been secluded in his tree all day since the spar… oh, right. "You mean the spar? But I didn't even hurt her. It was her idea, anyway."

Genma scoffed. "So that's what they're calling it these days, huh?" He rolled his eyes. "I'm not saying you  _hurt_  her… but would it have killed you to use protection? Man, Fugaku's going to go crazy. How the hell are you going to get out of this one?"

"We were careful." Kakashi looked at his friend with bemusement. "Itachi and I are jonin, you know."

"Apparently, even geniuses have accidents." Genma peered at his friend. "You know, you don't seem that bothered about this."

"Why would I be?" Seriously, why was Genma so hung up over sparring safety?

The tokubetsu jonin sighed deeply. "You're handling it better than I thought." His friend patted him on the shoulder. "Good luck. You'll need it."

* * *

Itachi stared at her mother.

"You do not know how surprised I am, Itachi. I did not expect this from you." Mikoto looked calmly at her daughter. "You always seemed so responsible… but I suppose that the quiet ones are the most rebellious."

Itachi simply blinked.

"I'm so excited!" squealed the matriarch. "To be honest, I never thought I would become a grandmother because of you. Well, maybe Sasuke, but you? You always seemed too focused on your kunoichi duties to notice anything else." Mikoto winked. "You have better taste than I expected! If he looks anything like his father, then you are a lucky girl indeed."

Itachi opened her mouth to ask her mother what she was talking about, but the older woman simply continued talking. "I wonder how the kids will look like! So many combinations, so many possibilities!"

Mikoto noticed her daughter's blank face and smiled sympathetically. "A bit overwhelmed? That's alright. I'm here for you." She enveloped her eldest child in a hug. "Don't worry about the elders. I'll convince them for you." Mikoto giggled. "You were conceived before my marriage as well. It led to the fanciest shotgun marriage in Uchiha history. Like mother like daughter, I suppose."

Itachi drew back from the hug and walked out of the room. Perhaps her father would know what was going on. As she approached the clan head's quarters, she could hear the unmistakable sound of metal rubbing against a whetstone. Itachi decided against asking him. Her father hated interruptions when he was sharpening his weapons.

The dawning of understanding was quickly stomped out by fierce denial. Surely, no one could be that stupid. Nobody could believe that. Right? Thought forgotten, Itachi headed out of the compound. Perhaps she could convince the Hokage to assign her a mission.

* * *

Minato slammed his head against his desk. Why did his former student have to cause him so much trouble? Who knew Kakashi could be so careless! Sure, Minato had suggested (and secretly rooted for) the relationship, but he hadn't expected Kakashi to move so quickly!

Minato groaned as he massaged his forehead. The situation was made worse by one simple fact; graduation day was tomorrow. When Fugaku found out that Kakashi was going to be teaching his younger son… well, Minato wouldn't be surprised if the Uchiha started a coup.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Konoha's Black Ops' headquarters, Tenzo rubbed his eyes. ANBU had been working nonstop since ROOT had been uncovered. Who knew that Danzo had been running an illegal army right under their noses? Tenzo grimaced when he considered the issue. How many children had fallen prey to the elder's scheme, simply because they had a valuable ability? Suddenly, Tenzo became very glad that the Hokage and his parents had insisted on him attending the Academy before entering ANBU.

"I am reporting for duty, sir."

Tenzo tensed and turned to see… an extremely short ANBU operative? "What?"

The agent pulled the porcelain mask to the side, revealing a young child who could be no more than twelve. Hadn't the Yondaime raised the ANBU enrollment age to sixteen? So why—

Wordlessly, the kid handed him a scroll. Tenzo skimmed it and froze.

"I hope to get along," said the kid, robotically. "My code name is Sai." He gave the most emotionless and creepy smile Tenzo had seen in ages.

Weakly, Tenzo smiled back. "I guess you're my apprentice?" He glanced back down at the scroll. Temporary suspension from ANBU to babysit the ROOT kid? Tenzo vowed to murder whoever had come up with this idea. "I'm Tenzo. Nice to meet you."

Sai signed his acknowledgement.

An awkward silence settled. Incredibly uncomfortable, Tenzo almost squirmed. The kid was simply standing there, staring at him. "So," said Tenzo, frantic to start a conversation, "can you tell me about yourself?"

Sai blinked. "I am a shinobi." A small pause. "I can make paintings come to life."

"Oh. Great." Tenzo rubbed the back of his head. "Um… I can control trees."

Sai continued staring at him.

"Want to get something to eat?"asked Tenzo desperately.

The kid nodded. "If you wish."

And so, Sai was introduced to the incredible food known as dango. From then onward, his life was never the same.

* * *

**AN:** This chapter  _finally_ had Gai. Yes. Rainbow Gai. (I'm so sorry...)

You all are amazing. Over 100 reviews, 20,000 views, 400 favorites, and 500 follows. I'm in utter awe right now.

T

I've switched to private replies/messaging for review replies. This way, I'll be able to respond to each comment.

The next chapter marks the start of canon! Finally, Team 7 will be reunited! As always, comments, criticisms, and concerns are welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mass update part whatever.
> 
> The incredible Duesal Bladesinger has agreed to be my beta. He's an awesome writer, and all his stories are epic. Much thanks to him! Without his help, this chapter would me much worse.
> 
> Thanks to the brilliant Igornerd for recommending this story in the hilarious Drunken Space-Time Ninjutsu. Seriously, check it out! It's possibly the funniest time-travel story I've read. Also, shout out to the wonderful PyrothTenka for recommending this as well! Her story Minato's: The Art of Being Dead is really funny and definitely worth a read.
> 
> Don't think any of them are on AO3, though...


	8. Tying People to Tree Stumps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Canon, Kidnapping, and Excitement! Or Not.
> 
> Another Alternate Title: SHE RETURNS!

**Chapter Eight: Tying People to Tree Stumps**

 

"Team Seven consists of genin Haruno Sakura, Namikaze Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and jonin Hatake Kakashi."

"WHAT?"

* * *

The sound of the clock was deafening.

Sasuke eyed the timepiece with distaste. Only his fine Uchiha breeding kept him from repeatedly stabbing the mechanical device until it begged for mercy. Confined in a room with his former-best friend, the eternal loudmouth…  _and_  she-who-shall-not-be-mentioned… Well, suddenly the actions of his ancestor Madara seem much saner.

"Argh, what's taking him so long?" whined Naruto. "I know that he's always late, but can't he make an exception for once?"

"Using big words now, are you?" Sasuke sneered in response. "Do you even know what  _exception_  means?"

"Shut up, bastard!" Naruto stood abruptly, knocking the desk over. "No one asked for your stupid opinion!"

Sakura watched the spectacle with keen eyes, noting the differences in their relationship. The hostility between the two had increased exponentially. Interesting. She could definitely use that to her advantage. If the boys had been looking in her direction, they would have noticed her frightening grin.

"Well, I suppose it's not your fault for having such a terrible  _sibling_ , if you can even call him that." Sasuke sniffed in an exceedingly uncanny imitation of his father. "Some people are just inherently better. Being tardy is just one of his deep-seated flaws." Which was yet another reason why the silver-haired menace was  _not_ a suitable partner for his sister.

"Hey, you can't say that! Only I can say that! Take that back!"

Sasuke didn't deign to respond. Naruto spluttered for a few moments and then became silent.

Ten more minutes passed.

"Why's he so late? He's later than usual!" whined Naruto again. This time, Sasuke didn't say anything back.

"That's it!" Naruto stood up (again), knocking over the desk (again). "He's gonna pay for this! No one messes with Uzumaki Naruto and gets away with this! I've pranked him before, I can prank him again!"

Immediately, the self-announced prankster grabbed the chalk eraser. He carefully balanced on the stool, affixing the eraser at just the right angle.

Sasuke looked torn between aiding his former friend and ignoring him. He finally settled on the latter with a cough of disdain.

"Pranking a superior officer is highly unwise," said Sakura, tone prim. She smiled at Sasuke, eyes and teeth gleaming brightly.

"I have some wire strings you can use," Sasuke replied suddenly. He hurried to Naruto and shoved the wire into the other boy's hand.

"I'm still mad at you." Naruto grumbled but still accepted the wire strings. He quickly incorporated them into his scheme.

Sakura was now frowning at them both.

"Again, pranking a jonin isn't very smart or practical." She glanced at Sasuke. A small pause. "There are explosive tags in the second drawer behind a false bottom. There's a warning seal attached to it, though—"

"Psh, seals are no problem for me! I'm Uzumaki Naruto!"

In about five minutes, the three had created a monstrosity of ninja wire, explosives, and weaponry.

"Perfect!" Naruto beamed with pride.

"Quiet! I hear him coming!" hissed Sasuke. The three scrambled back into their seats and tried to act natural.

The door slowly opened, and the genin held their breath in anticipation.

The resulting explosion rocked the foundation of the school.

"Did we get him?" asked Naruto. Sasuke squinted through the smoke with growing anticipation.

"Thankfully, no. And you didn't damage the school, either. Or, too badly, at least. Minato-sensei would kill me if you destroyed the Academy a second time."

The preteens spun around.

Kakashi's visible eye looked both mildly reproachful and cheerful. "Were you trying to kill me?"

"Yes," Sasuke growled.

"Of course not!" yelled Naruto.

"I tried to stop them!" Sakura blinked innocently.

"Maa… whatever." He'd give them points for creativity, though their execution was a bit lacking. Still, it was an improvement from the chalkboard eraser prank. "Meet me at Training Ground 3."

"Why?"

"Because it's tradition. And I said so." The jonin vanished with a puff of smoke, leaving three coughing genin behind.

* * *

Kakashi had two choices. He could do what he did last time and put off the genin-test for another day. Or, he could give them the test  _now_  so he could begin teaching his darling brats.

But first…

"Introduction time!"

"Why?" moaned Naruto. "I know you!"

"I know about you," added Sakura.

"I hate you," growled Sasuke.

 _But I don't know you._  Kakashi eyed the three critically. They were certainly different from the genin he had in the other dimension.

Naruto, for example, had a different outfit. His jumpsuit was replaced by an equally obnoxious orange jacket, a black shirt, and black pants. Minato's influence, probably.

Sakura also looked slightly different. Her dress was the same, but her hair was wilder, and… were those bandages? Why did Sakura wrap her arms and legs in  _bandages?_

Kakashi paused, contemplated it, and quickly moved on.

Outwardly, Sasuke had changed the least. The boy still subscribed to the fashion sense of ridiculous collars, but he also looked less emotionally dead. (Then again, emotional dysfunction was practically an Uchiha requirement. But Kakashi really didn't have any right to criticize that. Kunai calling the shuriken sharp, and all that.)

"Introductions, please," he repeated again. "Likes, dislikes, and dreams for the future." Kakashi paused. "I'll go first. My name is Hatake Kakashi. I like a lot of things. I dislike… changes. And my dreams for the future are to keep my friends alive and train you three."

"Nii-san—"

"Sensei," corrected Kakashi, scratching his head awkwardly. "I'm your sensei now." Naruto calling him  _nii-san_  was just  _weird._

Naruto rolled his eyes but continued. "Sensei, that was the lamest introduction  _ever!"_

"Like you could do better," muttered Sasuke. Naruto looked about ready to pound Sasuke into the ground.

"Of course I can! I'll prove it too!" Naruto took a deep breath. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I love ramen! I hate the fifteen seconds it takes to cook my ramen." Here, he glared at the other boy. "I also hate  _bastards_ like the one next to me! My dream is to become a better Hokage than my dad!"

_Hm, not much has changed._

"Like that's going to happen." Sasuke crossed his arms and set his expression into the classic Uchiha glare.

"SHUT UP!"

"Pouty, why don't you go next?" Kakashi interrupted. The genin's glare intensified, but he obeyed.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke. What I like is none of your business. I dislike idiots and…" Sasuke paled slightly, looking both fearful and disgusted, " _fangirls._ " He shuddered. "My ambition is to bring honor to my clan by becoming the most powerful shinobi." Sasuke paused slightly and scowled. "And to protect my sister from idiots like you!"

_Alright, a lot has changed._

"And pinkie?"

"I'm Haruno Sakura. I like bandages, doujutsu, and…" She glanced at Sasuke and blushed. "I dislike anyone who stands in my way." Sakura glared at Naruto. "My goal is to be the strongest kunoichi ever so I can…" Sakura blushed again. "Oh, and to destroy my enemies, of course," she added hastily.

… _what?_

A few seconds passed. "Oh," said Kakashi finally. Naruto looked slightly freaked out, and Sasuke's expression had become haunted.

_Well, first things first. I should test the three's skills._

"Anyway…" Kakashi brought the focus back to him. "It's time for the test."

The genin stared. "What test?" Naruto shouted. Sasuke's eyes narrowed, becoming calculating, while Sakura tilted her head, looking unsurprised.

"You three may have passed the Academy exams, but that doesn't mean you'll become genin. I'm going to give you another test—one that's rather hard." Kakashi grinned. "In fact, there's a 66% failure rate. Anyone who fails is sent back to the Academy. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Aw, man!  _Another_ test? Unfair!" Naruto looked ready to punch someone. Sasuke's eyes gained that razor-focus as he shifted into a more combat-ready stance.

"What's the test?" asked Sakura, ignoring Naruto's antics. Kakashi noticed her hand inch to her weapon pouch. Well. Sakura had only gained that instinct after several months of training in the old world.

Kakashi held up two bells—the Niidaime's own. Minato had given them to him this morning with a few words of advice. Kakashi smiled at his new (old?) team. "Your goal is to get these two bells using any means necessary. Begin on the count of three…"

Sasuke grasped his shuriken.

"One…"

Naruto settled into a taijutsu stance.

"Two…"

Sakura began forming hand seals.

"Three!"

Kakashi tossed the bells into the air, much to the surprise of the genin. As expected, Sasuke and Naruto dashed towards the falling objects. But Sakura, on the other hand, had… vanished?  _Huh._

Sasuke grabbed one bell, and Naruto caught the other. The two glared at each other.

"Bastard, gimme the other bell!" Naruto pointed dramatically at the other boy.

"Hn," replied Sasuke.

Naruto leaped forward, fists outstretched. Sasuke met him blow for blow.

_Well, Naruto's taijutsu certainly improved. He's much better than the other one was at this age._

Kakashi watched the fight with the oddest sensation of deja-vu. On one hand, watching his students fight brought on flashbacks of times when Sasuke was… you know, a bit murdery. But on the other hand, Sasuke and Naruto had always resolved their arguments through beating each other up. In a few more minutes, Naruto would be shouting about "important people" and proclaim his undying friendship. Then, the two would be back to normal. Hopefully.

Naruto began flashing through hand seals.  _Oh? Ninjutsu?_

"Suiton: Wild Water Wave!" The blond sent a blast of water to his ex-friend.

 _Water affinity? Naruto has a_ water  _affinity? Well, there go all the quotes about fanning flames._

Sasuke dodged the wave and retaliated with a fireball, causing a cloud of steam to hide him from view.

Kakashi felt his hidden…  _observers_  tense as the battle became more heated. Internally, he sighed. He could sense Minato-sensei (or his clone), several ANBU agents—was that Itachi? And ROOT operatives too? The audience for the genin test hadn't been nearly as big during the original timeline. It seemed like  _everyone_ was watching his team. Probably because Naruto was the Kyuubi's container and the Hokage's son, Sasuke was the second son of the Uchiha main family, and Sakura was… Sakura.

The fog cleared, and Naruto dashed towards his (former?) Uchiha friend. Sasuke reciprocated, shuriken in hand. The two were about to clash, when Sakura appeared out of nowhere. Immediately, the dynamics of the battle changed. Instinctively, Sasuke and Naruto began to work together. Sakura dodged their attacks with ease, almost as if she was familiar with them.

The battle continued for a few more moments, and Kakashi took the opportunity to evaluate his genin's skills.

This Naruto's attacks were definitely more polished, especially when compared to the fresh-out-of-the-academy Naruto from his original dimension. For one thing, Naruto actually had a taijutsu style other than "beat them to a pulp." He also knew ninjutsu other than the shadow clones. This Naruto was much stronger than the other Naruto's had been, obviously because of Minato's influence.

Alternate-Sasuke's skills were also different. Sasuke had actually been taught by his clan, and it showed. The Uchiha clan's influence was present on his taijutsu, his ninjutsu, and his overall style. Having personal teachers had certainly improved his abilities. On the other hand, this Sasuke didn't have the same unrelenting drive that the original one had, since his family hadn't been slaughtered.

Sakura had, in some ways, changed the least. She didn't have any new techniques, but what she did have was incredibly refined. She used kawarimi with ease, substituting in and out, utilizing the standard Academy teachings with great skill.  _Or…_ Kakashi's eyes narrowed. For the oddest reason, he felt that she was holding back. Either way, this Sakura was far from the weak fangirl that he had initially known.

As Kakashi expected, Sakura was the first to figure it out. She stared at the bell in Sasuke's hand. Her eyes narrowed.

"Kai!" she shouted. Immediately, she turned to Kakashi and ignored the other two.

Sasuke frowned as his sharp mind connected the dots. He made a seal, and with a muttered "kai," he also broke free from the illusion.

Naruto glanced at the other two. "Hey! What're you doing? Aren't you gonna get the bells?" Sasuke and Sakura didn't answer, preferring to glare warily at their new sensei. Slowly, the realization dawned on Naruto. The blonde slammed his fist against the ground, causing his knuckles to bleed—and freeing him from the genjutsu.

"No fair!" yelled Naruto, pointing dramatically at Kakashi. "That was a trick! You had the bells all along!"

"Of course," replied Kakashi, amused. "Did you really think I'd just throw them in the air?" He held up the real bells. "You need to steal these from  _me._  I'm going to give you until noon. Which is..." Kakashi looked up at the sky. "in about an hour, I think."

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other. "There's no way we can do it by ourselves. And I'm definitely not going to fail this test!" Naruto puffed out his cheeks. "Truce?" He held out his hand. Sasuke glared at the extended appendage before reluctantly shaking it. "Truce. I'm not going to fail either… or be on a team with that  _fangirl._ "

Sakura scowled but said nothing.

Kakashi opened his  _Icha Icha Paradise_  and began to read, curious to see what the children would do.

"We need to come up with a plan." Sasuke clenched his fists. "We'll have to retreat and regroup."

"Wait! I've got an idea!" whispered Naruto. Grinning, the Yondaime's soon casually strolled towards Kakashi. "Hey sensei! Jiraya-ji's releasing his new book in a few months, and he told me all about it! If you give me the bells, I won't spoil it for you."

Kakashi sensed a surge of killing intent from one of the trees.  _That was definitely Minato-sensei._

"That's not going to work, Naruto," drawled Kakashi. "You can spoil it all you want, but I'm not going to give you the bells."  _I've already read all the Icha Icha books. Hah! I am immune to spoilers!_

"Oh yeah? So you don't care what Shina and Minibo do in the hot springs?"

Naruto stared at Kakashi.

Kakashi stared back.

"Huh." Naruto shook his head. "You really aren't gonna give me the bells." He sighed. "Well, it was worth a try."

"That was a stupid plan, idiot! Of course it didn't work!" Sasuke grabbed his teammate's jacket. "We have to get out of here!"

Grumbling, Naruto agreed. The two fled into the leaves and vanished. Or tried to, at least.

Sakura had also vanished, having taken advantage of Naruto's attempt to get the bells.

Kakshi simply grinned. This would be  _fun._

* * *

The three genin glared at Kakashi. Each was tied upside-down to a post.

"I hate you," snarled Sasuke.

"Dude, you've said that a gazillion times!" complained Naruto. "We get it. You hate him. Now will you just  _shut up?_ "

"Now you know how  _we_  feel about you." Sakura smiled sweetly—or tried to, at least. It was a bit difficult to do that when the blood was rushing to your head.

"Maa…" Kakashi scratched the back of his head as he listened to his genins bicker. He waited until he received their full attention. "I'm just really impressed."

Naruto brightened. "You are?"

"Of course!" The jonin laughed mockingly. "I didn't expect you all to do so  _badly_."

The three cringed as the atmosphere darkened.

"Bu—"

"Quiet," cut off Kakashi. Naruto shrunk back, chastened. The inter-dimensional traveler increased the amount of killing intent. "All of you have failed completely. Didn't any of you stop and think about  _why_  I had asked you to get the bells? Did none of you figure out the real purpose of this survival exercise?"

_Scared genin are so entertaining. I really missed this._

Kakashi paused dramatically before continuing. "The purpose of this exercise was  _teamwork._ It was to test if you could put the mission before your personal goals—your team above yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, I know!" Naruto groaned, forgetting Kakashi's command to remain silent. "Teamwork is important, I get it. You and dad are  _always_  harping about it. And I  _did_  work with Sasuke, remember?"

"But what about Sakura?" He pierced the blonde with his gaze. "You left her behind, and your partner  _Sasuke_  even tried to sabotage her efforts. Is that teamwork?"

Embarrassed, none of them met his gaze.

Theatrically, Kakashi sighed. "But since you at least tried… I guess I can give you another chance."

"Awesome!" cheered Naruto. "Thanks, nii… uh, sensei!"

The other two were less vocal but equally relieved.

Kakashi's eye crinkled. "Your second test begins… now. Have fun!"

Whistling, he put his hands in his pockets and walked away.

"Sensei, where are you going? Aren't you gonna untie us? S-sensei?  _Sensei!?_ "

Kakashi grinned at the outraged shouts of his genin.

_How cute._

* * *

The silver-haired jonin flicked through the pages of  _Icha Icha Paradise_. Normally, he'd be enjoying the book, but his personal stalker was making it difficult.

"I thought we agreed not to associate with each other." Kakashi glanced up and frowned at the kunoichi standing in a tree.

Deliberately and almost leisurely, Itachi jumped down. She walked towards him with an utterly blank expression.

"That was before I knew your assignment as Sasuke's jonin-sensei," she replied. "My brother's well-being supersedes everything else. Our deal is off." Itachi stepped closer. "You are now responsible for my brother's safety. If  _anything_  happens to him..." She paused. "I will kill you repeatedly." Somehow, her monotone delivery made the threat scarier.

"Repeatedly?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Itachi stared at him for a few moments. "I will find a way." Sincerity dripped from every word.

 _Oddly, I don't doubt that._ Kakashi turned another page of his novel in response.

"You haven't been doing very well so far, considering that you left my brother tied to a tree…" she trailed off meaningfully.

"Relax. They'll be safe enough with half of ANBU watching them. " He tucked his hands and book in his pockets. "It's a learning exercise," he added. Itachi didn't seem to be buying it.

Kakashi sighed deeply and leaned against a tree. "I'll make sure he stays alive. And relatively sane." He really didn't want a repeat of what happened in his own dimension. Besides, this Sasuke seemed relatively stable, thanks to the lack of genocide.

Itachi nodded once. "Failure to do so will not end well for you." She didn't bother to say goodbye—instead, she disappeared in a way that gave Kakashi the strangest sense of deja vu.

* * *

The door slammed open.

"MINATO!" Uchiha Fugaku stood in the middle of the Hokage's office with an activated sharingan and a very sharp sword. "Control your wayward student  _or I will do it for you!"_

Immediately, ANBU agents appeared in the four corners of the room, tense and ready to attack if needed.

The Yondaime set aside his pen. "Uchiha-dono," he said calmly, "Did you need something?" Discreetly, Minato activated the barrier seal under his desk. After a moment's consideration, he activated a second one just in case.

"Don't  _Uchiha-dono_ me!" growled Fugaku. "Your student has tarnished my daughters reputation by spreading unfounded rumors! Half the clan is calling for his head!" The Uchiha stepped closer. "Most the Uchiha already dislike him for his sharingan, and  _you_  decide to take it one step further by assigning him as  _my son's_  jonin teacher!  _Are you trying to cause a revolt?"_

"Of course not." The Yondaime tried to smile. "I have good reasons for assigning Kakashi as a teacher. He's very skilled, and he  _was_  my student. I can think of no one better to train and watch over my son and yours."

" _What?_ " hissed the Uchiha clan head. "Hatake Kakashi is a foul miscreant, a blight on Konoha, a pestilent disease on honor, a…"

Minato was a bit impressed by Fugaku's creative and profanity-free insults. Like most Uchiha, he considered it beneath him to curse—and like most Uchiha, he became rather wordy when upset.

"... _disgrace_  like his father—"

"And that's enough." The Yondaime stood up and narrowed his eyes. "While I am willing to concede that Kakashi may have made some mistakes concerning your daughter, I am  _not_  willing to stand here and let you question my student's character and my decisions.  _I_  am the Hokage, and my word is final."

"Mistake?" Fugaku laughed sardonically. "Well, he better  _fix_  that mistake or I'll fix  _him._ "

"Well, what would you have me do? What do you want  _him_ to do?" The Hokage stared down Fugaku.

"You  _know_  what I want." The Uchiha clan head glared defiantly back. "He  _dishonored_  my daughter in the eyes of the village and the clan! His actions are inexcusable!"

"...just like you and Mikoto?" said Minato, raising an eyebrow.

Fukagu colored slightly. "You know that was different!"

Minato stifled a sigh. Relations between the Uchiha and the village had been a bit… tense, lately. Though Danzo's imprisonment and fall from grace had eased tensions slightly, the new business with Kakashi hadn't helped at all. But perhaps he could spin this in a postive way.

"Fine," said the Yondaime at last. "However, I think the ANBU agents would greatly appreciate you putting away your sword."

With a start, Fugaku realized that he was still brandishing his weapon. Sheepishly, he put it away and deactivated his eyes. "Of course," he said graciously. "I am glad we came to an agreement."

"As am I."

With a regal nod, Uchiha Fugaku walked out of the room, trying to keep the remnants of his dignity.

Once the clan head left, Minato sighed deeply and went back to filling out the pile of forms on his desk.

* * *

Kakashi strolled cheerfully to his still-tied genin.

"Where the hell were you!?" yelled Naruto.

"You left us tied to a post… for  _six hours."_  Sakura glared venomously at her teacher.

"I hate you," hissed Sasuke.

"Ah… well, you three had clearly learned your lesson." Kakashi grinned. "I thought I'd give it some time to sink in."

"I'm telling my father about this," growled Sasuke.

"Me too!" Naruto words were shouted at eardrum-splitting volume.

"I'll make my opinion known," Sakura added ominously.

"That won't make a difference. Jonin-sensei have almost unlimited control over their genin teams," drawled Kakashi. "Besides, it worked. All three of you are working together, right?"

If looks could kill, Kakashi would be dead three-times over.

With an exaggerated sigh, Kakashi cut them free. "You pass. Congrats! I'll see you later."

_Perfect. Team 7 is now back together._

* * *

For the second time in one day, an Uchiha interrupted the Hokage's attempts to finish his paperwork.

"Itachi?" said Minato in surprise. "What are you doing here?" Itachi was generally a model ninja, only entering the office when summoned. Minato suddenly grimaced. It wasn't about…  _that_ , was it? He activated a privacy seal and waited for her to speak.

"Yondaime-sama. Please forgive me for the interruption." Itachi knelt by the desk, head bowed.

"It's fine. And there's no need to stand on formality," he added hastily. "Is there anything you needed?"

"Yes. It concerns Hatake Kakashi."

Minato suppressed a wince. "Ah… I see. There's no need to explain. It happens. People can't control everything."

Itachi raised an eyebrow and ignored his words. "I believe that Hatake Kakashi is an imposter."

The Yondaime stiffened. "And why is that?" he said carefully.

"Several things. For one, his odd behavior. He has been acting strangely, especially when concerning me. Furthermore, he seems to have lost all sense of direction." She paused. "I have been… observing him, and Hatake Kakashi seems to have forgotten where many buildings in Konoha are located."

The Hokage gestured for her to continue.

"Furthermore, when Hatake and I sparred, I noticed that he had a completely different sty—"

Minato winced. "I don't need  _that_ much information." He quickly became serious. "But you definitely have a point, Itachi. Thank you for letting me know."

Itachi nodded and promptly left.

Now alone, the Yondaime mused over the current situation. If even  _Itachi_  thought that Kakashi was acting weird… well, Minato didn't plan on making the same mistake as the Sandaime.

With a heavy heart, the Yondaime teleported away.

* * *

"Hello, Minato-sen—"

The Hokage grabbed Kakashi and vanished with a flash of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mass update, more still.
> 
> We finally reached canon! And it only took eight chapters!
> 
> Thanks to Duesal Bladesinger for being my beta, and Igornerd for his advice. Neither of which are on AO3, I think.


	9. Something Something Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Dramatic Tension and Cliffhangers are for Posers

 

One minute, Kakashi was outside in the training fields. The next minute, he was Minato's house.

Kakashi quickly took stock of the situation. From the look of it, he was in the living room. Minato was standing in front of him, with a rather peculiar smile on his face. On either side of the Yondaime stood Tsunade and Jiraiya.

"Uh… sensei?" he asked in confusion.

"Kakashi, it's time we have a little _talk_ about your recent behavior _._ "

Kakashi played dumb. "What do you mean?"

"He means that you've been acting damn _weird_." Tsunade glared at Kakashi, not buying his innocent tone.

"Has something been bothering you lately? Is there anything you need tell me? You know that I'm always here for you." Minato looked concerned and just the slightest bit suspicious.

"Have you been performing illegal experiments on children while hiding a secretly psychopathic nature and a desire to gain power?" added Jiraiya.

"No!" Kakashi frowned, putting on his best "offended" face. "Why would you think that?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "You gotta admit that you've been suspicious. You have information you shouldn't have."

"As in—"

"Orochimaru. ROOT. You shouldn't have known about them."

Kakashi shrugged. "But I've told you everything, sensei. I haven't done anything _wrong_ , have I?"

Minato hesitated. "Well… no, but you aren't acting _normal_."

"Is that a crime?"

Tsunade huffed, exasperated. "No, but you can understand why we're suspicious."

 _Shinobi Rule 41: Deny everything. No matter what_.

"Nope. No idea."

"Why you little brat!" Tsunade cracked her knuckles.

Kakashi shrugged. "I just used my deduction skills for the benefit of the village." Kakashi did his best to appear wounded. "Are you really punishing me because I care about Konoha?"

"Quit the bullshit." Tsunade loomed closer.

"I'm not the one bullshitting," replied Kakashi mildly. "For example, there's the whole situation with the Hyuuga. I'm not the one who's hiding anything..." he trailed off. "Orochimaru didn't just kill them for fun, did he?"

The sannin and Minato were silent for a moment.

"It's an S-rank secret," said Minato quietly.

"That's—"

A flare of chakra from an ANBU agent waiting outside alerted the inhabitants of the room. After shooting Kakashi a look, Minato teleported outside with a flash.

* * *

In a maximum-security prison not far from the Intelligence Department, a man was sitting in a relatively comfortable cell.

He'd called in almost all his favors (and made quite a few threats) to ensure that prison, as opposed to execution, was his punishment. Danzo hadn't expected his plans to be foiled, but he had planned for the worst case scenario. As long as he was alive, there was a chance that he would escape.

And that opportunity seemed to be today. His informants had… well, _informed_ him that the witless Hokage and the two Sannin were currently occupied.

Danzo would have smiled if he had the ability to. But since he didn't, Danzo instead felt a pinprick of satisfaction in a corner of his shriveled, basically non-existent heart.

* * *

In less than a minute, the Yondaime returned.

"What is it?" asked Tsunade.

Minato looked pale and very, very angry. "Danzo escaped," he said softly, not even bothering to hide it from Kakashi. "He has activated sleeper cells all throughout the village."

Kakashi winced. _Fuck. That certainly didn't happen last time._

"We have to contain the situation."

"But first we—"

"Can I help?" interrupted Kakashi. He gave an innocent smile. "I _did_ help bring him down before."

Minato pierced him with his gaze. Several minutes passed. Kakashi could see Minato visibly struggle with his decision. Then, a strange glint came into Minato's eyes. The Hokage had clearly made up his mind... but Kakashi wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

"Well," mumbled Jiraiya. "He didn't do anything _wrong…_ "

"Fine. Go to where Tenzo is and reinforce his position. But behave." The _or else_ remained unspoken.

"Since when have I not, sensei?"

"We're wasting time," growled Tsunade. "Let's go."

* * *

Chaos. Utter chaos.

"What the hell is going on?" shrieked an extremely panicked Tenzo.

"Danzo," explained Kakashi, knocking out a murderous agent. "He's escaped and seems intent on causing as much havoc as possible. That _bastard_."

"You're one to talk," muttered Tenzo.

"What?"

"Nothing!" Tenzo laughed nervously.

"Tenzo-sama!" Sai dropped down from the sky, dispelling his ink bird. "I have returned with new orders from the Hokage. He wants you to head to the eastern entrance."

"Tenzo-sama?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

With a sheepish expression on his face, Tenzo waved his hand, causing a tree root to stab the attacker in the face. "Ha… well, I might have introduced him to dango… or something. He liked it, I think."

_You don't say?_

"Yes," replied Sai. "I shall always cherish Tenzo-sama for his actions. My respect for him is second only to dango. And the Great Anko-sama." Although Sai spoke in a completely bland monotone, his eyes were alight with passion.

"And is your respect for dango greater than your loyalty to Danzo?" asked Kakashi, eye narrowed.

If Sai didn't have the emotional range of a toenail, then he would have looked offended. "Of course."

"Ok…" Kakashi shot Tenzo a look. "What did you do to him? Did you leave him alone with Anko or something?"

"Uh, no? Not really?"

"The Great Anko-sama has taught me much," whispered Sai, stabbing a man through the eye. "Dango dango dango. Dango dango dango. Dango dango dango."

 _The fuck?_ Kakashi shook his head. "We're wasting time." Quickly, the three headed to the eastern entrance, dispatching enemies as they did so.

"Ah, Uchiha-san!"

"Tenzo-senpai."

_Oh, goddamn fucking—_

Kakashi's thoughts quickly devolved into a string of profanity that would have made Gai blush.

"Uchiha-san," he said, gritting his teeth. "We have got to stop meeting like this."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Yes. You have the tendency of ending up in the worst situations." A second passed. "Though I suppose you cannot really help it. It must be in your nature." Her tone was absolutely frigid. Kakashi's eye twitched.

Tenzo looked back and forth between the two as he drop-kicked a particularly tenacious assailant. "Did…" he trailed off, deciding against it.

"Relationship problems." Sai smiled blankly. "According to _The Guide to Forming Relationships for Socially-Incompetent Ninja, So Basically All of Them,_ awkward silences are often caused by se—"

"That's enough, Sai!" Tenzo gulped at the twin murderous looks. Sai remained unaffected.

Kakashi glanced at Itachi and sighed. It couldn't be helped. Grudgingly, he formulated a plan, factoring Itachi into the equation.

"Take my left, Tenzo. Sai, on the right." He hesitated for a millisecond. Did he have to? Yeah, he had to. "Itachi, cover my back." For some odd reason, Itachi was mad at him. A mad Itachi was not good for his health. Therefore, he had to find a way to get on her good side. He glanced again at Itachi, absently noting that she looked like entirely at ease as she cut through the traitors.

_Actually, scratch that. Never mind. I'll just not deal with Itachi after this._

"Who died and made you Hokage?" grumbled Tenzo. Regardless, he obeyed Kakashi's commands. Sai followed Tenzo's lead, and after a moment of hesitation, Itachi did the same.

* * *

"Sakura."

"Yes?"

"Keep an eye on them."

"Of course."

* * *

And just as suddenly as it began, the ROOT uprising ended.

"Well. That was rather anticlimactic." Tenzo glanced at the stock-still and not-resisting heap of agents. "I wonder why they all surrendered."

"The most likely scenario suggests that Danzo has successfully escaped." Itachi watched as the Uchiha Police Force began the tedious process of disassembling the pile and arresting every agent.

"Well, I guess that means we should report to the Hokage."

* * *

Minato was not very happy.

Danzo had escaped, leaving Konoha was in disarray. Thankfully, there were practically zero casualties among the loyal ninja, though there were quite a few among the ROOT operatives. The survivors were sent to Ibiki, much to his joy (more people to torture!) and displeasure (more paperwork!).

Right now, the Yondaime was suffering from a headache. Listening to a bunch of geezers argue was never fun.

"We should declare Danzo a missing-nin!"

"What? We shouldn't take such drastic action! Danzo's a respected figure of Konoha!"

"He had _brainwashed kids to kill each other._ Are you getting senile, old man? Did you forget that Danzo set his rogue agents on the village today?"

"But why would Danzo do that? Sure, he had no empathy whatsoever, but he was always loyal to Konoha…"

"Has anyone considered that Danzo might just be batshit insane? No? Seriously, who understands that man!?"

 _It's the hair. The hair made him crazy._ Kakashi continued reading his book. It wasn't _his_ job to deal with the fallout. He was perfectly content to push that mess on other people.

Minato tried really hard not to hirashin out of there. Honestly, being Hokage could be really annoying sometimes. Minato narrowed his eyes at his bored-looking student. He'd managed to escape suspicion this time, but it wouldn't be like that for long...

* * *

"You summoned me, Hokage-sama?" Itachi knelt by the desk, head down.

"Yes." Minato crossed his arms as he thought of a good way to word his request. "I have a mission for you."

Itachi waited for him to continue.

"I need you to follow Kakashi."

Her placid expression froze in place.

"There's something _off_ about him," said Minato. "And I need someone to keep an eye on him. Itachi, you're one of the few people who I can trust with this mission. You're also one of the few people who are strong enough to hold Kakashi off. Do you understand why I am asking this of you?"

She stared. "You want me to… follow Kakashi," she repeated, finally.

"Correct. I'll have you assigned as a supervisor for Team Seven. Between your obsessive need to monitor your brother and your relationship with Kakashi, it's the perfect excuse!" Minato looked rather pleased with himself.

Itachi's finger twitched. "I am _not_ in a relationship with Kakashi."

The Yondaime blinked. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You're _really sure?_ "

" _Yes."_

Minato pouted. "Fine…" Then, he smirked mischievously. Itachi suddenly felt rather nervous. "But I just wanted to let you know... you have my support."

Itachi's expression became stony. "The mission comes first, Hokage- _sama._ "

"Yes, yes it does." He nodded, still smiling. "You're dismissed."

Itachi nodded stiffly and promptly vanished.

* * *

_Oh, hell no._

"Why are you here, Uchiha-san?" Kakashi frowned, looking at the irate-looking heiress.

"Mission _._ " Her tone was frostier than the Land of Snow in winter.

"Well, what's your mission?"

"My mission is to observe your status, report any discrepancies, and ensure the safety of Konoha."

Kakashi blinked. "Let me get this straight… Minato-sensei asked you to _stalk me?_ "

A second of silence. "Yes."

Kakashi bit back a groan. _Why. Why does the universe hate me!?_

"Ok… but why are you here _in front of me_ instead of stalking me in the trees like you normally do?"

Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly. "Because."

"Because why?"

"I have no obligation to tell you anything, _Hatake-san,"_ she replied, subtle venom coating her words.

Kakashi winced. "Fine." He started walking in the direction of Ichiraku's. He was supposed to meet his team there before training, and Itachi's presence wasn't going to stop him. The two walked in an awkward silence, neither willing to speak to the other. Finally, they reached the stand. But to Kakashi's surprise, none of his genin were there.

"Ah, Kakashi-san!" Teuchi beamed at the confused jonin. "Your team left a note for you."

Kakashi took the offered note.

* * *

_Hey! Bakashi-sensei! You took too long, so we decided to go train! When you decide to stop being a lazy bum, meet us at the training grounds, kay?_ _Believe it!_ - _Naruto_

 _I will stab you if you refuse to make me stronger. 3 3 3_ - _Sakura_

 _Your death will be at my han_ — (Someone had apparently dragged Sasuke away before he could finish writing.)

* * *

The message ended there.

"Your students have apparently abandoned you." If it wasn't for Itachi's poker face, Kakashi would have sworn she looked smug.

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't ask for your commentary. And they didn't _abandon_ me. They simply took the initiative, that's all."

"Right."

Kakashi frowned at Itachi. Itachi scowled back.

 _I don't remember her/him being this snarky before…_ _what did I do?_

"Hey, if isn't the brat!" Jiraiya boomed. "And his pretty girlfriend, too!"

"I'm not his girlfriend—"

"We're not dating—"

They both stopped and glared at each other.

"Sure you aren't…" Jiraiya grinned.

"Stop being an idiot, Jiraiya," Tsunade sighed.

Jiraiya ignored his wife. "Are you guys really keeping up that charade? It's obvious to _everyone_. Besides, the entire village knows that you got Itachi pregnant."

Both Itachi and Kakashi froze.

Itachi stared off into space with a haunted expression. Her sharingan had unconsciously activated, and she was doing her best impersonation of a traumatized statue.

If anyone had listened carefully, they would have heard the sound of Kakashi's sanity shattering again.

 _What no what is this what no pregnant and Itachi same sentence no does not compute not possible does not work what no_ —

Though the younger two hadn't noticed, Tsunade and Jiraiya had continued talking.

"How stupid can you be?" shouted Tsunade. "Itachi's _obviously_ not pregnant. Any shinobi with eyes can see that!"

"I know that!" Jiraiya rubbed the back of his head. "God, I was just joking! They knew that! Right, guys?

Neither answered.

"Guys?" The Toad Sannin leaned forward and snapped his fingers. No reaction. "Huh. Apparently, I have a talent for breaking geniuses."

"That really doesn't surprised me."

_Kill me kill me kill me. Please?_

Kakashi desperately wanted to get out of there, but his disturbed brain refused to do anything.

"Kakashi? Itachi? Are you two ok? Hello? Oy, Tsunade! Fix them, I don't think they're working anymore!"

Finally, Kakashi switched from deer-in-headlights mode to holy-shit-flee mode and made his escape. With a swirl of leaves, he was gone.

* * *

"Hey sensei! You're finally here!" shouted Naruto. He waved his arms frantically while standing sideways on the trunk of the the tree.

Kakashi didn't respond.

"Uh… sensei?"

Kakashi still didn't respond.

Sakura stopped throwing kunai at Naruto. "Ooh, something's wrong with sensei!" she said gleefully.

"Yes…" Sasuke grinned. "Excellent." Then he realized that he was actually _agreeing_ with Sakura and immediately began to question his world view.

With great difficulty, Kakashi managed to snap out of it. "Right…" he said, taking a deep breath. He pushed the recent revelation (no stop don't think about it) out of his mind and into the section of his brain reserved for the most disturbing events, like assassinations, torture, Rainbow Gai, and so on.. "Right!" Kakashi's eyes crinkled. "Training time!"

The three genin immediately brightened. "Really?"

"Yup! Let's start with—"

A swirl of leaves heralded the entrance of another shinobi.

"Itachi-nee? What are you doing here?"

Itachi stared at her little brother for a good five minutes before she remembered to respond. "Observing."

Sasuke frowned. "Itachi-nee, are you alright?" His expression became angry. "Did _he_ do anything to you?" he spat.

For a second, Itachi looked a bit pained. "No."

"Hmph." Sasuke seemed unconvinced.

"Are you Sasuke's sister?" whispered Sakura, stepping closer. "Hi."

Itachi blinked as she examined the pink-haired girl. "... hello."

"Do you have the sharingan?" Sakura looked inordinately excited.

The Uchiha heiress blinked again, wondering if it was a trick question. "Yes?"

"Can I… see it?" Sakura's eyes widened. "Please?"

Itachi pondered the request, wondering if the girl would leave her alone if she agreed. Finally, Itachi's eyes flashed red, and the three tomoe spun hypnotically. After a few seconds, she deactivated her dojutsu.

"They're so pretty…" Sakura gasped. "Just like you!"

Itachi quickly took three steps back.

"But you're too old for me," decided Sakura. "And I bet Sasuke's are better."

Itachi looked vaguely relieved.

Kakashi coughed to get their attention. "Right. Training!" He tapped his chin. "Well, you three obviously know how to tree walk… how about water walking?"

"Kinda," said Naruto hesitantly. "Jiraiya-oji's showed me once, but I think it was just an excuse to go to the hot springs."

"I've never tried it." Sakura looked far too innocent.

Sasuke shook his head.

"Great! So let's go to the lake!"

* * *

"I hate you, sensei!" Surprisingly, it was Naruto who had said that. "This is goddamn stupid!"

"Language, Naruto." Kakashi watched his students fall into the lake with obvious enjoyment. Well, excluding Sakura. She had simply walked on to the lake with no difficulty. Currently, Sakura was trying to sabotage Naruto's efforts, but Naruto was fighting back just as hard. The two were rolling around in the water, each trying to gain the upper hand.

_Aw, how cute! Look at the little genin trying to drown each other._

Sasuke had taken advantage of his teammate's distraction to swim to the shore. "Onee-san," he gasped, climbing out of the lake. "Help."

Itachi looked at Sasuke.

"Foolish little brother," she said, sighing. "You are still too weak." She picked him up and threw him back into the lake. The screeching Uchiha landed with a splash on top of the other two.

"Nice," said Kakashi admiringly. Sure, Itachi might be… Itachi, but even Kakashi could appreciate a perfectly-thrown genin.

"Thank you."

The two watched the struggling genin in a slightly-more companionable silence.

* * *

After the torture session known as training, the drenched genin of Team Seven gathered covertly in the field.

"Revenge," growled Sasuke. "We need revenge."

Sakura, who was looking rather drowned, agreed. "Yes. He must pay."

Naruto rubbed at his hair, trying to get the water out. "Yeah!"

"He tied us to a pole!"

"He tried to drown us!"

"He's trying to get with my _sister._ " Sasuke's eyes glowed with hatred.

Brought together by mutual loathing, the team began to formulate a plan.

"This means war." Naruto and Sakura exchanged looks.

"Truce?" offered the blond. Sakura extended her hand, and Naruto shook it.

"From now on," declared Sasuke, "I only have one goal—no, one _ambition._ I _will_ make it a reality. I must kill that man!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a place far from Konoha…

"Events aren't going as planned."

"Maybe it's because your plans are ridiculously complicated and have a high chance of failure if even one thing goes wrong?"

"No, it's because of something else. But what?" A lone sharingan eye narrowed.

"I don't know."

"Hm. How unfortunate. But no matter. I'll just have to ... speed things up a bit." Evil, high-pitched, maniacal laughter echoed through the cave, increasing volume pitch and fervour. "Soon, everything will be exactly the way it should be!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Notes: The next chapter should contain Sasuke's favorite thing, Kakashi's least favorite thing, and Itachi's... thing. (It's much less dirtier than it sounds, I promise!)
> 
> Current Author's Notes: Well, it's only taken me... like, a year, to fix my mistake. Sorry guys. Here's the missing chapter that was lost in the mass update. If you're curious, this story is not abandoned. The next chapter is being written. It just might take a while. As in, a big while. Thank you for your patience.


	10. Chapter Ten: Felines and Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Nothing Goes to Plan

Kakashi had a slight suspicion that his genin were trying to kill him.

He had accepted a standard D-ranked gardening mission for his team, and everything was going as planned. (Of course, he had blindfolded his students to make things more interesting, but they were doing alright. Somewhat.) After a few hours, Kakashi had taken pity on his students by calling a lunch break.

While his team devoured their food, Kakashi decided to take the opportunity to read his brand-new Icha Icha novel. And that's when Sakura approached him with a thermos.

He looked up, slightly wary. "Hello, Sakura-chan!" he chirped. Itachi, who had been sitting next to him, glanced at the girl and gave a slight nod. Unfortunately for Kakashi, Itachi was still acting as a glorified babysitter for a glorified babysitter. (This time, Kakashi planned on acting more like a teacher than a supervisor. But the point still stood.)

"Sensei," Sakura said sweetly. "I made you some tea. Would you like some?"

Kakashi blinked in surprise. Maybe Sakura  _hadn't_  changed that much, unknown parentage aside. In the old dimension, Sakura had attempted to suck-up to him for the first week or so. Then, she had grown exasperated with him and stopped trying, but… it was nice to see that some things didn't change.

"Why thank you, Sakura-chan!" He opened the thermos and froze. His visible eye narrowed as he peered into the tea. An odd-looking leaf was submerged in the bottom. Kakashi sniffed the drink.

_Poisoned. That leaf's extremely toxic. In fact, it looks just like the weed they were removing from the garden…_

He stared at the pile of weeds before discreetly pouring the tea out.  _It was probably just an accident._

Itachi looked at him. She raised an eyebrow when the leaf fell from the thermos. Kakashi simply shrugged in response.

* * *

The next of his students to try was Naruto. Granted, Naruto's plot aimed to seriously inconvenience him in a non-lethal way, but it was no less annoying. More annoying, in fact. Especially since Naruto had long mastered the fourth ninja art of pranking.

Kakashi grinned gleefully at his furious students. They hadn't liked the obstacle course he'd set up for them. Sure, it was ANBU-ranked, not genin-ranked, but it was non-lethal! Mostly.

The three genin, surprisingly, did not seem happy.

"Good job, team! You completed the obstacle course. I'm impressed! But..." Kakashi paused theatrically, letting the younger three squirm. "I think that's enough for today. You're dismissed." Ah, the sweet sound of relieved genin.

"Yeah!" Naruto barely had enough energy to speak at his normal volume. He looked exhausted, but his grin was entirely too mischievous for Kakashi's liking. "Have fun at  _home_ , sensei."

Kakashi scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, alright." He shot Naruto an odd look. "I'm sure I will."

Obviously, when Kakashi reached his home, he was very suspicious. He quickly checked each entrance for booby traps, methodically searching for wire traps, seals, and erasers. Kakashi frowned when he noticed an odd clump of tags at the base of his favorite window.

Kakashi carefully set off the trap.

His apartment shuddered under the force of fifty stench bombs exploding at once.

Wheezing and coughing (despite being exposed to very little of the smoke), Kakashi flickered away from his apartment.

_Why do my kids have an obsession with blowing me up?_ he thought, disgruntled. Kakashi frowned and quickly dismissed the thoughts of an organized conspiracy.  _It was just a prank from Naruto. Oh well, kids will be kids._

* * *

The Tora mission, however, was what really clued him into his genin's murderous tendencies.

"We did it!" shouted Naruto, relieved beyond measure. "Can you untie us now?"

"Please." Sakura tugged at the rope attaching her to Naruto. "Please!"

Sasuke looked traumatized beyond measure, being the unfortunate soul holding the frantic cat.

"Once we return the cat, "drawled Kakashi, "I'll think about—"

"Oops!" shouted Naruto, bumping his shoulder into Sasuke. The young Uchiha promptly chucked the cat at Kakashi.

The screeching, frothing Tora flew in a straight line, heading straight for his face. Kakashi quickly sidestepped, ensuring that the cat headed towards Itachi instead.

Itachi did the reasonable thing and promptly drop-kicked the cat. Tora sailed in the opposite direction, still screeching as it landed somewhere into the forest.

Kakashi grinned lazily. "How unfortunate. It looks like you still have to complete the mission. Good luck, kiddies."

With a synchronized screams of inhuman rage, the three tied-together genin headed back into the treetops.

Kakashi turned to Itachi, who was staring at him impassively.

"You know," he said finally, "I think my genin may be trying to kill me."

Itachi's expression became dubious, as she wondered how Kakashi had  _just_  realized that. "Yes. I think they are."

* * *

Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke all gathered together for their weekly committee-to-kill-Kakashi meeting.

"I don't think it's working," grumbled Naruto, kicking the ground in irritation. "Kakashi-sensei didn't even pay attention to anything we did."

Sasuke scratched at the still-healing battle wounds given to him by Tora. "And I succeeded in making my sister angrier. She made training more difficult in revenge." He scowled (pouted) at the memory.

Sakura crossed her arms, thoughtful. "Perhaps we're approaching this from the wrong angle. Physically, we can't do anything… but we  _can_  have a psychological effect."

Naruto squinted suspiciously. "What're you getting at?"

Sakura held up a finger. A hint of a smile danced at the corners of her lips. "Nothing."

Frowning, Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"We've been trying to…  _dispose_ of sensei directly, which obviously hasn't worked. Until we become much stronger, that approach is unlikely to succeed. However, if after constant assassination attempts, we suddenly stop…" Sakura's smile became concrete. "His paranoia should skyrocket, slowly driving him into madness."

Naruto shot her a skeptical look. "Um, I'm pretty sure he's already crazy."

Her eyebrow twitched. "More insane, I mean!"

Sasuke gave a short sigh. "Might as well try," he muttered, sounding almost pained to agree with his stalker/fangirl.

"Excellent!" crowed Sakura. "For now, we'll suspend murder-based operations. Mission drive-Kakashi-sensei-into-insanity is a go!"

* * *

After a month of training and aborted murder attempts, Kakashi was firmly confident in his team's ability to handle any C-rank, including that god-forsaken C-turned-S-rank Wave mission. Besides, they hadn't tried to kill him in several days. Either they had realized the futility of trying, or his team had matured. Both scenarios were promising.

"Hokage-sama," said Kakashi, grinning when an exasperated Minato rolled his eyes at the title, "I think my team is ready for a C-rank."

Sasuke looked as happy as was possible for an Uchiha. Naruto openly exclaimed his joy to the heavens, jumping up and down like a possessed man, and Sakura's green eyes shined with manic energy.

Itachi, on the other hand, did not seem so confident. "I do not think this is wise."

"Why is that?" Minato leaned forward, resting his chin on his palm.

"They are fresh genin. Most teams have at least another month of training before they start C-ranks," pointed out Itachi.

"Yeah, but my team is exceptionally talented." Kakashi fondly ruffled Naruto's hair. "They're miles ahead of every other team."  _And far more capable than the old Team 7 was at this time._

Minato hummed as he shuffled through a pile of papers. "I'm afraid I agree with Kakashi." The dimensional traveler smirked at Itachi, who glared back at him, irritated. "But," the two jonin stiffened at the Hokage's tone of voice, "Itachi-chan, if you're so worried about Team 7, why don't you accompany them?"

"It's fine!" Kakashi interjected immediately. "We're perfectly capable of handling a C-rank without a babysitter. Besides, Itachi's not a part of Team 7! And most teams don't have  _two_  jonin looking after them. Think about all the complaints of favoritism!"

Minato gave Kakashi a flat look. "Kakashi, there are  _already_  complaints of favoritism. I gave you my son, the second son of the Uchiha main family, and the top kunoichi of the year. Three of the top students, all on the same team. Of course that's favoritism!" He interlocked his fingers and smiled his I-am-Hokage-so-fucking-listen-to-me smile. "Besides, if anyone asks, I can simply state that I'm worried about potential kidnappings. You can never be  _too_  careful, right?"

"I have no issue with accompanying Team 7," added Itachi. She ignored Kakashi's wounded look.

"Excellent! And I have the perfect mission for you, too!"

Kakashi idly wondered what it would be. With all the dramatic changes going on, there was no  _way_  it'd still be the Wave miss—

"It's an escort mission to Wave."

_Fucking hell._

_Great. Now I have to deal with a drunk bridge builder, an S-rank missing-nin with a sob story, a dictator and—_

"You'll be accompanying Zabuko and Haku back to their country. They're simple fisherwomen afraid of bandit attacks along the route. It shouldn't be too difficult."

He froze.  _Wait. What?_

"Ah, they're here right now."

In walked Zabuza in the worst drag Kakashi had ever seen. He wore a misshapen wig with pigtails over his bandages and a too-large dress with watermelons sticking out the top. Haku followed in the best drag he had ever seen—Kakashi was half-convinced that the boy  _was_ a woman.

Kakashi, with his best what-the-fuck expression, turned back to the Yondaime. Minato looked back calmly, but he was clearly struggling to keep a smile off his face.

The silver-haired jonin stepped forward, placing his hands on the Hokage's desk. "Sensei," he hissed, "I don't think you've noticed, but I'm pretty sure  _those are two missing-nin in drag in your office_."

"What?" Minato coughed to hide his laugh. "I have no idea what you're talking about." The blond's fight to keep a straight face became even more obvious.

"This is revenge, isn't it?" Kakashi narrowed his eye. "Really?  _Really?_  I think you've paid it back ten-fold, by now!"  _Vindictive bastard._ He'd honestly forgotten about how unforgiving Minato had been. Everyone talked about his kindness and permanent cheer, but they conveniently forgot to mention his vengeful, sadistic streak.  _You don't get a flee-on-sight label by throwing flowers and rainbows at your enemy._

The Yondaime ignored his former student's words and tossed two scrolls at him. "One's for you and Itachi. Don't open or discuss that one until you reach the coast," said Minato, voice almost inaudible. "The other's for your team. Have fun!"

Zabuza—or Zabuko, rather—frowned at the three genin. "I asked for a ninja team, not three runts," he scoffed in an artificial falsetto.

"Who you calling a runt!" Naruto glared at the masked crossdresser.

"Zabuko-sama, I think they'll do fine," placated Haku, smiling softly at Naruto. The younger blonde immediately blushed a bright red.

_Ha!_  thought Kakashi, amused.  _Wait until he finds out Haku's real gender._

Zabuko grunted, forgetting to disguise his voice. "The two older ones look alright. The Yondaime's Dog and Itachi of the Eternal Flame, if I'm not mistaken. I wouldn't mind figh—" Zabuko winced when Haku stepped on his foot with high heels. "Being guarded by them," he finished sourly.

Itachi shot them an incredulous look before turning back to Kakashi and Minato. "Are you certain about this?" she asked the Hokage.

"Positively!" Minato beamed, smiling so brightly that sparkles surrounded him. "Now, go complete your mission!" With those parting words, he kicked everyone out of his office.

* * *

Unwillingly, Team 7 and Itachi started off on their mission to escort Zabuko and Haku.

_What the fuck,_ thought Kakashi numbly.  _Seriously, what the fuck. I don't even know what's happening anymore. The Wave mission was_ not  _supposed to go like this._

Itachi seemed tenser than usual, her hand constantly hovering over her shuriken pouch. She shot wary glances at Zabuko as she protectively shadowed her younger brother.

Naruto, on the other hand, seemed utterly enamored with Haku. "S-so," he stuttered, "you're from Wave?"

Haku laughed softly. "Not originally, no. But we live there now. It's basically our second home."

"Wow! Where'd you used to live?" The blond watched, fascinated, as Haku's long hair fluttered in the breeze. "Your hair is so pretty," Naruto breathed.

"Thank you, Naruto-kun." The long-haired nin smiled gently at him.

Sasuke, on the other hand, seemed rather sullen. Every few seconds, he glanced behind him at his sister before pouting and turning around.

Sakura was also glancing back every few seconds—but at Zabuko, not Itachi. After a few minutes, she sidled up to Kakashi.

"Sensei," she whispered, "I don't think Zabuko's actually a woman."

Kakashi watched as a watermelon fell out of Zabuko's dress. Surreptitiously, the bandaged man picked it up and shoved it back in his top.

"I think you're right, Sakura-chan," said Kakashi after a second. "But our client's choice of dress is no concern of ours."

Seemingly accepting the answer, Sakura nodded and fell back in formation.

Kakashi half-expected to see a poorly-disguised puddle, but he didn't spot any during their entire trek to the coast. Their entire journey there was actually  _more_  uneventful than the original trip.

Finally, once they reached the shoreline, Kakashi called for them to stop and set up camp. "We'll stop and rest for the night. Tomorrow morning, we'll cross into Wave."

There were no complaints from anyone except Zabuko, who briefly muttered something about "Leaf Weaklings." A sharp glare from Haku and Itachi promptly shut him up.

Once the fire was made and the genin were mostly asleep, Kakashi pulled aside Itachi to talk.

"I should probably tell you about the second mission," he whispered.

At Itachi's look of outrage, Kakashi held up his hands in the classic image of surrender. "In my defense, Minato-sensei told me not to tell you until we get to the coast."

Itachi's expression quickly defaulted to neutral. She frowned slightly, waiting for him to explain.

"Even I don't know what the mission is. Sensei sealed it so that I wouldn't be able to open it. It's timed to open... in the next ten seconds, actually."

The two jonin stared at the scroll. After exactly ten seconds, a small, silent puff of smoke alerted them of the seal's expiration.

He nicked his thumb on the edge of a kunai and pressed it to the scroll. Then, Kakashi opened the scroll and angled it so that Itachi could also read.

* * *

_Kakashi-kun and Itachi-chan! Sorry for being overly dramatic about this. But while the genin are doing their nice, easy C-rank, I have an A-rank for you to complete._

_If you haven't noticed (which I know you did), Zabuko and Haku aren't actually fisherwomen. Both are missing-nin from Kiri. Konoha is legally obligated by treaty to refuse missions from rogue ninja, but Konoha obviously didn't know about their missing-nin status due to their masterful disguise._

_Gato is strangling Wave's economy, and he has drastically increased the price of goods to Konoha. He also has completely refused to negotiate. I need you to take him and his little gang of thugs down using any method possible. He is holding the Daimyo of Wave hostage, so getting rid of Gato should fix that little problem as well._

_(I know that Gato is a lackey of that psychopath Yagura, but if you dispatch him due to 'self-defense,' we'll still be in the clear.)_

_Oh, make sure your genin are safe during all this._

_And of course, have fun!_

* * *

The scroll promptly self-destructed.

Scowling, Kakashi dropped the pile of ash. "You got all that?" he asked.

Itachi deactivated her sharingan and nodded.

"I'm going to kill that man," growled Kakashi. "Making my life more difficult just for the hell of it."

"I will help," Itachi replied matter-of-factly.

Kakashi gave a grudging smile. "Of course."

* * *

The next day, they hired a boatman to ferry them across to the island. The poor civilian looked terrified, shaking under the combined weight of Itachi and Kakashi's irritation.

Zabuko wasn't that happy, either. "This is taking too long," he grumbled. "Can't we just run across the water?"

Haku elbowed the man in the gut. "But Zabuko-sama," the other missing-nin said with a plastered smile and gritted teeth, "we can't do that, right? Because we're not ninja?"

"Oh. Right." He leaned back, jostling a watermelon out of his dress. The fruit bounced off the edge of the boat and fell into the ocean with a plop. Zabuko stared at the ripples marking the watermelon's new location. "Fuck." He turned around and glared at the genin. Sakura looked rather smug, Naruto appeared utterly shocked, and Sasuke seemed completely unconcerned.

"That never happened!" snarled Zabuko, letting out a sliver of killing intent.

Naruto continued to stare, mouth hanging wide open. Sasuke scoffed and turned around. Sakura, on the other hand…

"Are you threatening me?" she hissed back, green eyes narrowing. Suddenly, Sakura smiled. "Are you challenging me to a fight?" Her tone abruptly became excited.

"Of course not, Sakura-chan!" Haku said quickly. "Zabuko-sama's just in a bad mood."

Disappointed, Sakura crossed her arms and turned away.

The remainder of the boat ride was fairly boring. At least, until they were halfway to the island when, out of nowhere, thick fog appeared, obscuring their vision.

_There's no way that mist is natural._ Sighing, Kakashi drew his weapon and exchanged a look with Itachi.  _It's impossible for Team 7 to have a regular C-rank, no matter which dimension it's in. Absolutely impossible._

He was just in time, too.

A sudden stream of kunai pierced the thick fog, headed right towards Zabuko and Haku. Itachi quickly appeared in front of the two, deflecting the weapons with ease. Kakashi stood in front of the genin, leisurely batting aside the senbon and shuriken aimed towards the rest of Team 7.

Wind really wasn't his element, but he'd picked up a few tricks during the war. Kakashi ran through a string of hand seals, conjuring up a sharp gust of wind to blow away the mist.

The five attackers—no name chuunin, from the looks of it—were now visible and visibly nervous. Kakashi frowned when he noticed the clean, unmarked headbands.  _Loyal Kiri ninja?_

The genin sprung into action. "I've needed this!" exclaimed Sakura, eagerly drawing a kunai. She ran onto the ocean, balancing easily on the waves. Sasuke and Naruto followed, also able to water-walk, having been subjected to Kakashi's training.

"Hey, I bet I can take out the enemy faster than you can!" Naruto hollered.

"In your dreams." Sasuke rolled his eyes as he palmed a shuriken, tossing a few at the first enemy.

Kakashi watched with pride as the three worked as a team (fucking  _finally_ ), actually following the formations they had worked on. Sakura distracted one with a genjutsu, Sasuke pushed him back with a stream of fire, and Naruto knocked out the chuunin with a quick blow to the head.

Itachi had already taken out two. Sighing, Kakashi figure that he might as well join the fight. But before he could, Kakashi noticed Zabuko stand up dramatically.

"I've had enough of this!" shouted Zabuko with rage. "No more disguises!" With a fearsome roar, he tore apart his dress, standing on the boat in nothing but shorts and bandages. "Fuck hiding, I'm gonna tear some Kiri-ninja apart!" He pulled out his cleaver-like sword from a sealing scroll before dashing off to behead the terrified chuunin.

"Oh, Zabuza-sama," said Haku, sighing. "I suppose the ruse is up." Daintily, the other missing-nin stepped off the boat and flickered to the other chuunin, quickly trapping her in a cage of ice.

_Well, that leaves just one for me_.

Kakashi casually walked up to the chuunin, ducking to avoid the water-dragon that the chuunin frantically conjured. Kakashi ran through a few handsigns, creating a wolf-shaped blast of electricity that electrocuted his opponent. After slinging the Kiri-nin over his shoulder, he turned back to his team.

His genin had proudly hoisted their defeated enemy in the air, waving him around like a flag.

"Sensei!" Naruto grinned proudly at his amused teacher. "We did it!" Sakura cheered as their personal unconscious chuunin flopped around. Even Sasuke looked pleased, looking to his sister for approval before catching himself and scowling.

Kakashi flashed a thumbs-up at his team. Then, he narrowed his eyes ominously at Zabuza-née-Zabuko and Haku. "Well, now that the excitement's all over, I suppose it's time we have a little chat."

* * *

"You're a ninja!?" screeched Naruto. "And a guy?"

"I thought we already established that," said Sakura, rolling her eyes. "Didn't you see the watermelon fall out of his dress?"

"Yeah, but I just thought he was illegally smuggling fruit!"

"What?" Sasuke looked incredulously at Naruto, mirroring his sister's expression. "You idiot, why would you think that?"

"Hey!" Naruto crossed his arms defensively. "Well, Wave's currently suffering from a food shortage, and fruit's being rationed and sold at ridiculous prices. I just thought Zabuko had figured out a foolproof method to supply fruit to the island. I was really impressed, too!"

Everyone stared at him.

"What?" The blonde scowled, affronted. "I'm not  _stupid_." He paused for a few seconds. "And my dad's the Hokage," he muttered. "He doesn't shut up about this stuff during dinner."

"That makes sense." Sakura sighed, relieved. "For a second, I actually thought you knew something, even if your assumption was extremely stupid."

"I resent that." Naruto glared at Sakura.

"You do realize that my name's Zabuza, not Zabuko?" said the huge missing-nin, raising a bandaged eyebrow.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Naruto suddenly swung around to face Haku. "And  _you're_ also a ninja, right? Let me guess, you're actually a boy too! What's your  _real_  name? Hakuto?"

_Here comes the moment of truth…_

Haku smiled apologetically. "No, I'm actually a girl, and my name  _is_  Haku. I normally dress-up as a Kiri hunter-nin, so my disguise was simply coming as myself."

Kakashi very slowly, very subtly face-palmed.  _Never mind. I forgot that this universe likes screwing with me._

"I'm sorry for lying to you, Naruto-kun. But we had to disguise ourselves in order to request a mission from Konoha."

Haku immediately launched into a sob-story, detailing the horrors of Yagura's reign of terror. Naruto started sniffling a few seconds into it, and even Sasuke looked a bit disturbed.

Sakura merely seemed contemplative.

Not good.

_She isn't… considering implementing those measures herself, is she?_

Most of it, Kakashi had heard before. However, he started noticing a few deviations from the original story towards the end.

"... so we traveled as missing-nin, until we reached Wave. Here, we noticed that Yagura's wicked rule had spread into other countries as well. We decided to work with the resistance, fighting off Gato and his police-force of Kiri ninja as best as we could. However, the endless waves of enemies became too much for us. Zabuza-sama and I decided to flee to Konoha and get help, but we only had enough money to hire a genin team and instructor."

Haku looked down, her hair falling softly around her. "I'm sorry for asking you to do this, Naruto-kun… but could you and your team help us free Wave from the tyranny that is Gato?"

Eyes shining, Naruto nodded furiously. "Sorry for ever doubting you! A girl as pretty as you couldn't  _possibly_  be evil! Of course we'll help, right?"

Sasuke grunted in agreement.

"... I wouldn't mind fighting some more ninja," said Sakura thoughtfully.

"I'm not sure," said Kakashi, drawing out each word. "This mission is  _far_  beyond your pay grade…" He internally smirked at his students' horrified looks. "But if Uchiha-san agrees, then there shouldn't be a problem."

Itachi appeared at that moment, returning from her side-trip to drop off the captured ninja. She was immediately accosted by three pleading genin.

"Itachi-senpai, can we please rescue an island from an evil dictator? Please?"

"Itachi-nee, can we?"

"Itachi-senpai, I really want to kill some—er, test myself against enemy ninja!"

Itachi blinked slowly. "... sure."

"Well, that's settled," decided Kakashi. "Let's go dismantle a criminal empire!"

* * *

"The people of Wave were  _thinking_ of building a bridge here, but the ninja kept tearing it down. So we decided to hold off on the bridge until we defeated Gato."

"I see," said Naruto, boredly throwing kunai at a tree. "So, when're the bad guys gonna show up?"

Haku shrugged, adjusting her fake hunter-nin mask. "Don't worry, Naruto-kun. We'll just wait around here until they show up. That's what normally happens, at least."

"Don't jinx it, Naruto," said Kakashi.

"If it isn't Zabuza and his pet hunter-nin!" chuckled Gato from the distance. He put his hands on his hips and dramatically pointed towards them.

"He jinxed it." Sasuke sighed heavily.

"And I see that he's brought a few friends! But I've brought a few of my own!" He clapped, and about twenty assorted genin and chuunin appeared out of nowhere.

"You mean you've brought battle fodder." Zabuza laughed, even more dramatic. "They'll be nothing against us!"

"Oh, that's what you think." Gato cackled loudly, trying to upstage Zabuza's theatrical laugh. "But wait until you see my newest ninja!"

"I'm not  _your_  ninja," interrupted a vaguely familiar voice. "But I'm looking forward to this! I spy lots of strong fighters. It'll be fun to kill 'em and toss their bodies to the sharks."

Finally, Kakashi recognized the person walking towards them.

_Fuck. Me._

With an all-too cheerful smile, Hoshigaki Kisame eagerly drew his monstrous sword.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of mass update.
> 
> Of course, thanks to Duesal Bladesinger for being an awesome beta. Special thanks to Igornerd and Lord Darkly for their advice as well!
> 
> EvilFuzzy9 was kind enough to recommend this story in his fanfic, I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again! I really appreciate it! I... don't know if he's on AO3.
> 
> Holy mother of all that is good, Branches has a TV Tropes page! Which is pretty amazing. Thanks, person! Check it out if you have time.


	11. Trees in the Background

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Climax and anti-climax. Zabuza, families are weird, and pain. Lots of it.

Kakashi stared at the blue-skinned man. _Ok, the odds got worse, but they're still pretty good. Zabuza, Itachi, and I should be more than capable of handling one S-Ranker._

"Really, Hoshigaki?" said a feminine voice. "You just love making an entrance." Following Kisame was a beautiful, busty woman who wouldn't look out of place on the cover of _Icha Icha_. A woman with a Kiri hitai-ate and long red hair.

A woman who was named Terumi Mei. Who would be the future (past?) Mizukage, who had two insanely powerful bloodlines, and… who was smiling at Naruto?

"Naruto! I didn't expect to see _you_ here!" she exclaimed. "How have you been?"

_What?_

"Auntie Mei!" Naruto waved enthusiastically at the Kiri woman. "I'm good! I'm still working on the Uzumaki Secret Art of Ramen #12." He gave a loud groan. "It's really hard, ya know?"

_What._

"Of course it's really hard!" Mei gave a sniff. "Did you expect our secret arts to be easy? But really, you should convince your dad to send you over sometimes!" She brightened. "I can teach you more Uzumaki tricks, and I always love hanging out with my nephew!"

 _You have_ got _to be kidding me._ Kakashi stared in horror as Mei and Naruto… engaged in small talk.

"Yeah, that'd be so cool!" Then, Naruto sagged with disappointment. "But my dad won't ever listen. He always says that 'sending my only child into a hostile country ruled by a maniac is patently stupid,' even though it's obviously not!"

Mei made a fist, and her eyes flashed in a way that reminded Kakashi of Kushina's. "I'll convince him otherwise. You better believe it!" Mei's mouth dropped open as some sort of realization struck. Kakashi immediately became very, very nervous. _Whenever Kushina got that expression, someone ended up a gibbering mess._ "I know! I'll just become the Mizukage, and then Minato will have to let you visit!"

Everyone stared at the now-exuberant woman.

"Uh…" said Kisame, raising an eyebrow at his partner. "You do realize that saying that is treason, right?"

"Treason, shm'eason. The only treasoning I know is ramen seasoning!"

"That's not…" began Kakashi weakly. "That's no…"

"But first thing's first!" Completely ignoring Kakashi, she pointed a finger at the Konoha ninja plus Zabuza and Haku. "Surrender or die! Except for you, Naruto, but that's besides the point!"

"Sorry, auntie." Naruto made the handsign for shadow clones. "I love you, but I can't let you maim my friends."

"I understand. No hard feelings!" Mei began her own handsigns, calling up a thick mist.

At the same time as the family reunion, the two swordsmen of the mist were having a conversation of their own.

"Prepare to meet your end, Hoshigaki!" Zabuza pulled out his giant cleaver. "Let's fight, swordsman to swordsman. Who's the strongest? Which one emerged from the mist that shrouds—"

"You're so fucking dramatic," groaned Kisame. "I never liked you, anyway. For someone known for silent killing, you just won't shut up." He smiled, displaying rows of sharp teeth. "Your death will be slow."

"Alright, kiddos." Kakashi clapped his hands to get the attention of his adorable team. "You take care of the jutsu fodder—I mean, the genin and chunin."

"Yes, sensei!" said Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto, all in perfect sync. They immediately sprung into action, tearing after the first terrified Kiri genin they saw.

"I will protect Team 7." Itachi's tone brooked no argument. "See if you can handle the Uzumaki woman." With a disdainful backwards glance, the elder Uchiha vanished.

 _What is with Itachi?_ Kakashi scowled. _One minute, we're commiserating the pains of this world, and the next minute, she insults me and disappears!_

"Relationship issues, huh?" said a voice from behind him. Kakashi spun around and blocked Mei's downward kick. "That's rough."

Kakashi coated his hands with lightning, filling the air with the thick crackle of ozone. Mei leaped back, crouching to avoid the stray sparks.

"No, nothing like that." He winked, or rather, blinked, considering that only one eye was visible. "I'm still very single. Are you interested?"

Mei giggled as she vanished back into the mist. "Ooh, bold. I like that." A plume of lava erupted from his left. Kakashi could feel the heat on his cheek as he sidestepped her attack. "But are you hot enough to handle me?"

He raced through a few handsigns, using his get-rid-of-the-mist wind jutsu. "I can definitely cool you down."

The mist dispersed, leaving a very amused red-head. "I'm a little kinky, though." To Kakashi's shock, golden chains shot out of her back and wrapped around his arms. "You don't mind being tied down, do you?" Mei opened her mouth, and acidic steam curled slowly towards him.

 _What the fuck. Mei actually is an Uzumaki. And she has_ three _bloodlines? That's just unfair._

"Don't worry, babe." Kakashi grabbed the chains and used them to conduct a jolt of electricity. "You'll find that I can be quite… shocking."

In a smooth movement, Kakashi managed to twist out of the chains and raise his headband. Obito's sharingan spun faster as it tracked Mei's movements. He glanced to the left, noting that Itachi and Team 7 had finished off nearly all the weaker Kiri ninja. However, Itachi didn't seem very happy about her success. In fact, she was glaring at Kakashi.

 _Huh. I wonder what happened. Hopefully, no one got hurt_ …

"Oh, how nice." Mei gave a wicked smile. "Show me what you've got, White Hound."

 _Hell yes. That's a cool name._ Kakashi returned the grin. "My pleasure."

* * *

In the meantime, the two swordsman of the mist were having their little showdown.

"This is nothing!" panted Zabuza, narrowly blocking Kisame's sword. "Is this all you've got?"

"Pathetic." Kisame summoned two water clones. "You've never been good, but your skills have gotten worse." With a swing of Samehada, Kisame forced Zabuza back. His two clones took advantage of Zabuza's misstep, swinging their own swords down—

Itachi flickered in front of Zabuza, defeating the clones and counterattacking with blast of flames. Kisame deflected the fire with Samehada, much to the sword's displeasure.

"That's unexpected." Kisame raised his eyebrows. "Why's a pretty lady like you fighting for a man like this?"

Itachi reappeared behind Kisame, and he narrowly dodged her kick. Kisame swung Samehada around deflecting the wave of kunai. A few exploded against the sword, temporarily shrouding Kisame in smoke that smelled of iron and ashes. Itachi's eyes spun faster.

"Nice illusion," said Kisame, dispersing the smoke with a few swings of his sword. "I almost believed it." He summoned an enormous wave of water, but it crashed just to the left of Itachi. She counterattacked with a quick bout of taijutsu before leaping back. With a combined shuriken-ninjutsu attack, she blocked Kisame's path

Samehada gave a displeased screech at the fire-enhanced shuriken that struck against him. One burning chunk metal slipped from his guard and lodged into Kisame's shoulder. The blue man shook his head as he dodged the second wave of attacks.

"Damn. Layered genjutsu! I should've known." He gave her a look of admiration as he yanked out the weapon. Casually, he tossed the bloody shuriken behind him. Then, he flared his chakra brightly enough to blind the average sensor. "You're good. Real good."

Zabuza took the chance to rejoin the battle. "I'm not out for the count!" he snarled, leaping forward with his giant meat cleaver.

Kisame slammed his sword against the other man's skull. "Yes, you _are_."

Zabuza crumpled to the ground.

A heart-rending scream echoed through the trees. "Zabuza-sama!" The chuunin fighting against Haku froze instantly, crackling sheets of ice piercing them through. "Zabuza-sama!"

Kisame stopped. He glanced at the impassive Itachi. Besides Mei, who was still occupied by Kakashi, Kisame had no teammates left.

"Well, pretty lady," said Kisame, barring his teeth in a smile. "I think it's time for me to go. We'll meet again. I'll make sure of it."

An enormous jelly-fish flopped out of the waves. Kisame back-flipped onto it, water droplets swirling around him like sparkles. "Retreat!" he snarled. With that parting greeting, he and his summon disappeared into the water.

While other ninja were better at dramatic entrances, no one could beat Kisame at dramatic exits.

* * *

Kakashi paused in his match with Mei. "Shit." _Is Zabuza dead?_ He blinked as a giant jellyfish appeared out of nowhere. _What. Is that… a jellyfish?_

The neon-pink jellyfish waved around its tentacles, sparkling brightly in the water. Even more weirdly, _Kisame_ was riding on its back. After twirling elegantly, both disappeared back into the water.

"But… that makes no sense," said Kakashi helplessly. "Kisame's a shark. He looks like a shark. His name _literally_ means _demon shark_. How the fuck does he have a pink jellyfish summon?"

Mei pursed her lips before sending a gout of lava that almost took off his head. "Aw, honey. I'm a jealous woman. You have to give me all your attention!"

"Why? Do you feel threatened by other women?" he snarked back. "Or giant jellyfish? Wow, you're kinkier than I thought."

Mei's eye twitched.

_Uh… I might have pushed it too far._

"Not at all." Her mouth twisted into a snarl. "But you should feel threatened by _me!"_

Kakashi created an earthen wall to black the dual acid-lava attack. Unfortunately, the wall didn't last long. Kakashi threw himself to the side, springing into a handstand before righting himself. He laughed nervously. "Aren't you taking this a bit too seriously?"

"It's a life-and-death battle, you idiot!" she screeched. "Of course I'm taking this seriously!"

He made another earthen wall that lasted a few seconds at most. "Well…" Kakashi tried to think of something witty to say. Thankfully, he was spared from the awkward silence by the arrival of Naruto and co.

"Auntie Mei!" Naruto waved while sprinting towards his fellow Uzumaki. His teammates were close behind. Sakura and Sasuke each carried seven or so unconscious ninja. "Guess what! Guess what!"

"What?" said Mei cheerfully. The slight tensing of her fists betrayed her casual nature.

 _Well, she should be afraid. Her teammates are either gone or dead, and she's surrounded by hostiles_.

"I caught my first S-rank ninja!"

Mei beamed. "Really, Naruto? Who?"

He gave a mischievous grin. "You!"

Itachi appeared behind her, whacking Mei on the head with the blunt end of a kunai. The Uzumaki woman immediately fell unconscious, and Naruto began wrapping her from head to toe in rope.

Kakashi stared Mei, who was currently comatose. Then, he looked to Itachi. She seemed very, very satisfied.

"You didn't have to hit her that hard," said Kakashi, hesitant. For some odd reason, he felt rather nervous.

Itachi smiled, which instantly set off alarm bells in Kakashi's head. "No, I did."

* * *

After the anti-climactic arrest of Gato, a rescue mission to save the Wave Daimyo that was routine enough to be skipped over entirely, and a quick celebration where the freed villagers promised to build a bridge in honor of Zabuza, the team continued back towards Konoha. At the border between the two nations, Haku and Zabuza (who was still alive, though he was nursing a sore head) bid the team a tearful farewell.

"I'll never forget you!" blubbered Naruto, snot dripping down his nose. "You're too pretty to forget, Haku-nee!" He wiped his face, which had the unintended side effect of smearing mucus all over his cheeks. "And even though you're not a girl, you're still cool, Zabuko!"

"Zabuza," corrected the man with a grunt.

"Idiot." Sasuke jabbed Naruto in the side. "It's not like they're dead. We'll probably see them again, someday." He paused. "We might have to kill them, though."

Eyes narrowed, Kakashi glanced at Sasuke, feeling an odd sense of deja vu. He forced himself to relax. While it was true that the Sasuke from his original dimension had attempted to murder former friends many, many times, _this_ Sasuke was relatively stable, despite being an Uchiha.

Unfortunately, Itachi had noticed his slight trepidation, and she was now staring at him suspiciously.

"Thanks for showing me that cool trick, Haku-san!" Sakura bowed to the older woman, smiling in a way that almost seemed normal.

Haku smiled back. "It was my pleasure, Sakura-chan."

Wait. Cool trick? What cool trick? What the hell had Haku taught her? How to sacrifice herself for higher ranking ninja?

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, whatever. We're leaving now." With those charming words, Zabuza disappeared.

After a more polite expression of gratitude, Haku followed after her teacher.

"Well," said Kakashi cheerfully, ignoring the fact that Itachi was still glaring daggers at his back while carrying Mei on hers, "all that's left is to go back to Minato!"

* * *

Minato was not pleased.

"I don't know why I bother to be surprised anymore," he said, pinching his forehead. "The fact that you kidnapped Mei, who just happens to be my annoying cousin-in-law, really shouldn't bother me as much as it does. Heaven knows that you've done worse."

At the mention of her name, Mei began to stir. Itachi immediately knocked her out, her blow slightly more vicious than it had to be.

"I don't get what your problem is, dad!" exclaimed Naruto. "Auntie Mei's been dying to see me for ages! Now she'll get to see me everyday!"

"Shut up, Naruto. You're stupid." Sasuke scoffed, contorting his face in a way that freakishly resembled Fugaku.

"Nuh-uh, you're stupid! Stop calling me stupid!"

After listening for a moment, Sakura decided to join in. With a bright smile, she said, "I will shove a senbon needle up your—"

"The Daimyo's wife has put out a new D-rank for finding Tora," said Minato mildly.

With due haste, the genin made themselves scarce.

Now that the children were gone, the temperature of the room went down several degrees. Minato stared at the two jounin in the room for almost a minute, expression blank. Despite the cold, sweat beaded on Kakashi's forehead. What was Minato going to do? Torture him? Murder him? Assign him _another_ genin team? The possibilities for punishment were endless.

"Kakashi, you're dismissed."

Kakashi blinked. "I'm dismissed?" He turned to stare at Itachi. "Just me? I'm the only one dismissed?"

 _This isn't right. This isn't right at all._ Kakashi frowned at both Minato and Itachi, wondering what in the world they were up to. While he'd never seen the results of Minato and Itachi's cooperation, since the Yondaime had been dead for most of the young Uchiha's life, Kakashi knew it couldn't be good.

"Kakashi, you are dismissed." Minato's tone brooked no argument.

With a frown, Kakashi flickered out of the room. On one hand, he wanted to get to the bottom of this. On the other, he might end up in the bottom of the ocean if he pried too hard.

* * *

Minato let out another sigh as his former student vanished. He looked back up at the Uchiha heir, who, as usual, was standing at polite attention despite the presence of an S-ranked nin on her shoulder.

"We should probably do something about Mei, first," muttered Minato.

Itachi stared blankly at him, waiting for her orders.

He blinked. "You can put her down, you know."

Itachi immediately dropped Mei. Both watched as she slumped to the floor. After a minute passed, Minato signalled for his ANBU guards to take Mei away.

"Alright, now that she's taken care of…" Minato steepled his fingers, "let's get down to business. What can you tell me about Kakashi, now that you've observed him in action?"

"He is loyal to Konoha, Hokage-sama." There was no hesitation or doubt in her words. "He cares intensely for his genin team and for you." She paused. "However, my suspicions were correct. He fights like someone who has been out of ANBU for many years, and several of his techniques were unfamiliar. Even more telling, Hatake Kakashi was constantly surprised during our mission."

He gestured for her to continue.

"Especially when he was interacting with the clients, Kisame, and Mei, it seemed like Kakashi's expectations were constantly subverted." Her lips twitched downward. "But beyond that, what I found most confusing were his reactions towards Sasuke. He seems constantly on guard when interacting with my younger brother. It is… as if he expects Sasuke to attack him at any moment."

Minato blinked. "What? Why?"

Itachi's frown grew deeper. "Hokage-sama, I do not know."

* * *

A familiar bird screeched by his window, waiting impatiently with a scroll.

With a groan, Kakashi finished his shower. Messenger hawks always had the worst timing. Quickly, he opened his window and extracted the document. Kakashi toweled his head as he skimmed it, growing more and more apprehensive. Once he reached the end, he froze. Wasting no time, Kakashi flickered from his house, heading straight to the Hokage's tower.

The Chuunin Exams were beginning soon.

And they were being held in _Suna._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been over a year since the last update. If you're anything like me, you're brushing the dust off your email, wondering what in the world Branches is, and why you received an alert for it. Sorry about that... Life. Rest assured, it isn't abandoned. In fact, the end (of the story) is closer than you think! Again, thank you for everything. 


	12. No Trees in the Desert… Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suna is not much better than Konoha, unfortunately.

 

"Minato!" Fugaku's hand hovered on the hilt of his sword, and his sharingan spun with erratic fury. "You are _not_ sending Sasuke to Suna!"

"Why not?" said Minato, exasperated. "It's _Suna_. What's the worst that could happen? Besides, I'm going there with my son. You're welcome to come, and I'm sending Itachi there, too."

Fugaku paused. "Let me rephrase that. You are not sending my son to Suna with that wretched Hatake!"

"Why not?" he repeated, resisting the urge to bang his head against his desk. Sometimes, Minato really wished he'd switched places with Hiruzen.

"Because he's patently irresponsible!" sputtered the Uchiha patriarch. "Team 7's first C-rank ended up becoming an S-rank with hostile foreign ninja!"

"No one got hurt, Fugaku." The Hokage raised an eyebrow. "Besides, your daughter was there on that same mission."

"Well…" Fugaku gritted his teeth. His eyes flickered between red and black as he tried to control his temper. "It was probably still Hatake's fault!"

Minato sighed. "Really, it's—"

At that same moment, Kakashi burst in through the window.

"Minato-sensei!" he exclaimed, rolling to a stop in front of Fugaku. "You can't send my team to Suna!"

Fugaku immediately drew his sword. In a flash, the Yondaime teleported from behind his desk, grabbed Kakashi, and activated his barriers.

"This proves my point exactly!" Fugaku hacked at the invisible wall blocking him from Kakashi. "He's trying to hurt my son's chances of a promotion! This sorry excuse of a ninja is clearly intent of thwarting my son's career!"

"Fugaku, literally ten seconds ago, you didn't want Sasuke to go to Suna!" Minato signaled to the ANBU agents that had materialized. They relaxed minimally but remained visible. "Shouldn't you be glad that Kakashi agrees with you?"

"Why would I ever want to agree with this… this _degenerate!"_ The Uchiha pointed at the aforementioned degenerate with his blade. "He's not even wearing a shirt!" Fugaku's face turned a darker shade of red, almost matching his sharingan in hue. "He probably approaches my daughter in such lack of dress!"

Kakashi looked down. _Huh. I'm really not wearing a shirt,_ he thought. _I may have been a little… over enthusiastic in my rush to get here._

Minato pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kakashi, why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

He laughed sheepishly. "Well… the hawk gave me the message just after I left the shower, so…"

The door opened, and in walked Itachi. After seeing four ANBU agents, a shirtless Kakashi being threatened with a blade by her father, and an increasingly annoyed Minato, Itachi promptly turned around and walked out.

"See!" yelled Fugaku. "He's defiled my daughter's reputation _and_ her eyes! When is he going to take responsibility for his actions?"

Minato slammed his hands against the table. "I swear to god, Fugaku, you've _defiled our eyes_ plenty of times before! Don't you remember that New Year's party? All that sake went straight to your head!"

Fugaku coughed once. "That was… I have no recollection of what you mention."

"Really?" Minato tilted his head and smiled in a way that made even the ANBU take a step back. "I have some photos that could jog your memory. Maybe I could give them to—"

"Mikoto expects me back soon. I must go, Hokage-sama." He sheathed his sword stiffly and turned away. "I"m sure that Sasuke will enjoy his time in Suna."

The door slammed shut, and Minato sighed. "Now that Fugaku's gone…" At his slow hand sign, the agents disappeared. "So, Kakashi," said Minato, turning all his focus to his former student, "why don't you want your team to go to Suna?"

"It's _Suna_ ," retorted Kakashi, bemused. "Why would _anyone_ want to go to Suna?"

_Plus they have a crazy jinchuuriki, a Kage that's potentially been taken over by Orochimaru, and sand. Lots of sand. Who in their right mind likes sand?_

"But they're our allies." Minato furrowed his eyes, equally bemused. "It'll be a great opportunity for your team to get some experience in a non-lethal environment. And Rasa's children are competing too, and I doubt that the Kazekage plans on putting them in danger."

 _Rasa?_ Kakashi frowned. _Since when has Minato-sensei been on first name basis with the Kazekage?_ He internally shrugged. _Knowing him, he probably convinced them all to be his friends with a combination of smiles and threats._

"Well?" Minato tapped his finger against his desk. "I'm not going to force you to enter them, but I think it'll be a good idea. If you're worried about security, then relax. I'll be there, along with Itachi, Yamato, Kurenai, Gai, Asuma, and my ANBU attache. There's not going to be anything we can't handle."

 _Famous last words, sensei._ Kakashi sighed. _But I'm not sending him into that treacherous pit alone._ "

Fine," he said, feeling like he'd regret this very much. "I'll send my team to Suna for the exams."

* * *

For obvious reasons, the teams were leaving at different times. Unlike the others, though, Team 7 was accompanied by two extra people: Tenzo and his new apprentice Sai.

"Who's that?" said Naruto loudly, pointing at the pale preteen. Sasuke and Sakura stood beside the blonde, unconsciously in formation. All three peered at the newcomer with suspicion.

"Hello." Sai's smile was clearly artificial, but it was better than it had been in the original universe. His time with Tenzo had done some good, then. "I am Sai. I love dango. Dango is the greatest. Do you love dango? Have you tried it before?"

Never mind.

"Okay…" Naruto stepped back, disturbed. "That's cool, I guess. Ramen is better, though."

Sai's smile froze in place. "What?" His eyes narrowed. "What did you say?"

Sakura pushed Naruto aside, taking his place. "Your name is Sai, right?" She tilted her head. "Sai… sounds familiar." She grinned, a hint of saccharine sweetness hiding something far more sinister.

The former ROOT agent's expression turned blank, but even his ROOT training couldn't conceal his plain terror. Shivering, Sai drew back, stepping behind his teacher. Tenzo turned to Kakashi, eyebrows raised in a way that clearly said, "What the hell?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Kiddies," he said loudly, "this is Tenzo and Sai. They'll be accompanying us to Suna. Sai's already a chuunin, but he's coming along as protection detail. So he technically outranks you. Behave, alright?" His eye crinkled.

His team mumbled their assent, though not a single one seemed happy about it.

"Really, Kakashi-senpai?" hissed Tenzo. "Can't you call me by my actual name? I'm not in uniform, you know. There's no need to reveal my code name to the genin."

 _Actual_ name? Since when had Tenzo had a name? No one had bothered to give him a real name besides his call sign. Which was pretty terrible, now that Kakashi thought about it…

"You don't _have_ a real name." Kakashi frowned. "Do you want one, though?"

"What do you mean?" Tenzo's irritation grew. "Of course I have a real name!"

"You do?" Huh. Minato-sensei had probably given him one, bleeding heart that he was. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!" Tenzo threw his hands in the air. "Do you think my parents just… forgot to name me, or something?"

"You have _parents?_ Since when?" Every word expressed Kakashi's pure bafflement.

"What the hell, senpai! It's not like you don't know them!" The un-uniformed ANBU agent had long given up on whispering. "Is this payback for something?"

"Who are your parents?" asked Kakashi, ignoring his previous statements. "And what's your real name?"

"Aunt Tsunade and Uncle Jiraiya are his parents!" chimed in Naruto. "His name _is_ Senju Yamato, you know. Gosh, sensei, what'd he do to piss you off? If you're pretending to forget his existence, he must've done something pretty bad!"

_What?_

"No, that's not possible," Kakashi said matter-of-factly. "You look nothing like them."

_Jiraiya and Tsunade procreating? And Tenzo being the result? Nope. No way. No._

"I look a lot like my grandfather, you know. I got the hair from him. Besides, I can use _mokuton._ How do you think I got it?" Yamato (Senju? What?) looked about ready to pull his eyes out.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, not that anyone could see it behind the mask. "Orochimaru."

The supposed Senju winced. "Sure, when Orochimaru kidnapped me, he unlocked those genes… but I needed to _have_ them in the first place, you know. It's not like he could have magically shoved them inside me or something. And—wait, why am I even justifying my ancestry to you?"

"Because it's not true, and you know it. If Jiraiya and Tsunade are your parents, then why didn't you come to dinner that night?" pointed out Kakashi. "I don't think Minato-sensei would forget to invite the his sensei's kid."

"That makes no sense! What does dinner have to do with any of this?" Tenzo massaged his forehead, looking ten seconds away from strangling Kakashi. "Besides, I was on a mission!

"Sure, Tenzo." Kakashi rolled his eyes. "I know that you want a family and everything, but appropriating the Sannin isn't the way to go about it."

The trees next to them shivered as Tenzo tried to control his temper. "You know what? Let's just go," said the mokuton user, giving up. "We're late as it is."

"That's what I thought." Kakashi sighed, glad that the crisis was averted. There was no _way_ that Tenzo was anyone's kid. It was just a sad, sad delusion made by an orphan to comfort himself.

His worldview intact, Kakashi started the journey to Suna with his team.

* * *

"I swear to god, Naruto!" bellowed Sakura as she tried to kick him in the head, "If I have to hear another sermon on the superiority of ramen, I will eat your face!" She turned around and chucked a kunai at Sai. "That also applies to you, Ugly!"

Sai tilted his head, avoiding the dagger. "I do not preach about the superiority of ramen."

"But you won't shut up about dango," mumbled Sasuke. "Stupid dango."

" _Excuse_ me?" Sai's voice went dramatically up in pitch.

Before the seventy-third fight between the four could break out (thus ending Tenzo's sanity completely), Naruto whooped with glee.

"Hey, hey! Guys! Guys, look! I can see Sunagakure!"

Both Tenzo and Kakashi nearly collapsed with relief. Finally. _Finally_. Had this trip lasted any longer, someone would've died.

Now, Kakashi just had to keep them from actually dying during the exams.

* * *

Naruto sprinted towards the red-haired jinchuuriki.

"Gaara!" he shouted. "I haven't seen you in forever! I missed you so much!" Naruto engulfed Gaara in an enormous hug.

Gaara yawned and patted the blond lightly on the back. "Me too," he mumbled.

Wait.

Gaara… _yawned?_

Kakashi blinked. Naruto's friendship with Gaara aside… why in the world was the creepy-eyed insomniac yawning?

There! He did it again! Gaara's eyes drooped, and his head bobbed upwards while he tried to keep himself awake.

"I didn't get to nap today," murmured Gaara, trailing off into his _third_ yawn.

Naruto nodded, as if it was an entirely normal thing for the Gaara to sleep. And nap. And _yawn_.

"Ah, the friendship between those two is one of my proudest achievements," said Minato, appearing out of nowhere. Perhaps the Hokage had just arrived normally, and Kakashi had been too busy being distracted by a _yawning Gaara_ to notice it. "You know, when I'd agreed to fix baby Gaara's seal, I hadn't expected my own son to become so close to him."

"You can't help but bring that up, huh?" A husky, vaguely familiar voice shifted their attention. "You sound like a broken record, Minato."

The Kazekage stepped into the room, arms crossed. He—

She?

Kakashi opened and closed his mouth, squinting to make sure. He'd met Rasa a few times before the Kage's death. This version of the Kazekage looked about the same: short red hair, broad shoulders, tall stature…

But Kakashi was pretty sure that this Rasa was a woman, if a rather masculine one.

 _Oh, fucking shit,_ Kakashi thought crossly. The realization wasn't as scarring as… er, some others. He hadn't known Rasa very well. But Kakashi was still opposed to it on principle—he was tired of the universe screwing around with him, dammit! And why was everyone becoming female?

"The Kazekage is female?" mumbled Kakashi, unable to help himself. "Really, but why?"

"Eh?" Naruto took a break from talking Gaara's ear off to stare at Kakashi. "What do you mean, sensei? The Kazekage's always been female! Even _I_ know that Suna's martyarchal!"

"You mean _matriarchal?_ " Sakura said, rolling her eyes.

At the sound of her voice, Gaara jerked awake. He stared at her, eyes widening. "Who's this?" he whispered.

"Oh, that's Sakura. Stay away from her! She's—"

Kakashi glanced back to the two Kages, no longer interested in the conversations of preteens.

"Well, Rasa, would you prefer I change the subject?" Minato smiled brightly. "Perhaps I could talk about my son. He already completed his first S-rank."

Rasa scoffed. "Well, so did my daughter. Did I mention that my other son is now a puppet master?"

"My son knows how to use the rasengan."

"Gaara has sand-armor that makes him invincible, and Temari can use gold release!"

"Naruto has chakra-regeneration that also makes him invincible!"

"I have _three_ kids, and you only have one!"

"But my _one_ kid is better than your three combined!"

Kakashi slowly turned away from the one-upping Kages. Naruto was busy babbling his head off to a dozing Gaara, while Sakura was staring contemplatively at both jinchuuriki. Sasuke was scowling at the floor, which was normal, and Sai was hiding behind Tenzo.

"Are they at it again?" groaned a red-headed girl with a fan. A red-headed girl who looked a lot like Temari. Yup, that was Temari. With red hair. Why did she have red hair? Kakashi eyed her warily. She wasn't an Uzumaki, was she?

"Ugh, Mom always acts like that around the Hokage." Kankuro, who looked exactly as Kakashi remembered, sighed with annoyance.

"At least my son doesn't look like a cat with purple makeup!"

"You take that back, you blond pansy! You probably spend hours conditioning your hair!"

Kakashi blinked. Gaara was awake, now, but he was in a staring contest with Sakura. Naruto had started punching Sasuke for some reason, Sai was egging them on, and Tenzo was nervously backing away from the shouting Kage. The two Sand Siblings had wandered over to Sasuke and Naruto's fight and were now taking bets.

"So what if I do?" Minato grinned. "Why, do you like it?"

Rasa smiled back, showing her teeth. "It makes me want to run my fingers through it. And I'll get plenty of chances to do so when I separate your head from your body."

Minato blushed.

Kakashi blinked again. His teacher had only blushed around Kushina. Why would he be blushing around Rasa? Blushing with anger, maybe? Why else? Sure, the Kazekage was a loud, powerful, redhead… _huh_. The sledge-hammer of realization smacked Kakashi in the face.

Naruto gagged loudly, his fight with Sasuke forgotten. "Ew, gross! Kakashi-sensei, let's get out of here!"

"That's a great idea, Naruto!" chirped Kakashi as he compartmentalized his horrified understanding.

_You know what?_ _For once, Naruto's right. I'm just going to leave._

"Sensei? Where are you going? Kakashi-sensei? Sensei!?"

With that, Kakashi mentally and physically checked out.

* * *

"I can't believe you just left us there!" shouted Naruto. "Dad and the Kazekage nearly blew up the whole place, and you just _left_ us there!"

"That's nice," Kakashi mumbled, entirely distracted. He patted Naruto on the head with one hand and flipped through the pages of _Icha Icha Married Life_ with the other. Jiraiya's famed book series was just as good in this universe, but the actual story was different.

"What!? That's _nice?_ That's all you have to say for yourself?" Naruto spluttered for a bit, waving his hands as he tried to think of something to say. Sasuke grunted in agreement.

"Gaara is creepy," announced Sakura.

Everyone stared at her.

"You're one to talk." Naruto scratched his head, his face scrunching with confusion. "Besides, that has literally nothing to do with what we're talking about."

Sasuke grunted again.

"He keeps following me." Sakura's eyes narrowed to green slits. "He doesn't say anything, but his face keeps turning red whenever I try to determine his motive. Do you think he's suspicious of me? I may have to eliminate him…"

_Kunai calling the shuriken sharp, Sakura._

"Woah, woah!" Naruto exclaimed. "No one is eliminating anyone! And Gaara's one of my best friends!"

"And that's supposed to convince me _not_ to eliminate him?" Sakura rolled her eyes.

"I think that's a great idea," said Sasuke suddenly. "You should definitely eliminate him."

Naruto gave a squawk of betrayal. "What?"

"For you, Sasuke-kun, anything!" Sakura fluttered her eyes at him. "Just you wait! Before the exams are over, I'll lay his corpse at your feet!"

Kakashi looked up from his book. Was Sasuke jealous of Gaara? Yeah, Sasuke was definitely jealous. Kakashi pushed aside a concerning thought about the dynamics of the new Team 7, instead deciding to check the time.

"As nice as your murderous fantasies are," drawled Kakashi, "the Chuunin Exams _do_ begin in ten minutes. You should probably get going."

"Why didn't you tell us before!" howled Naruto. "We're gonna be late! Like you!"

"Oops." Kakashi made a show of flipping a page. "I guess you better hurry then. It'd be a shame if you were stuck as genin forever." Ignoring the fact that _his_ Naruto had spent most his life as a genin, despite being stronger than most jounin.

After cursing him a little more (ah, what a wonderful sound!), his adorable team sprinted away. It'd be such a shame if they'd missed registration.

Kakashi giggled at one particularly raunchy scene in his book. And though he was supposed to be with the other teachers, they could wait. It'd been awhile since he'd gotten to read any new books in the _Icha Icha_ series, and _nothing_ was more important than that.

* * *

Suna, being as poor as sand, only had two parts to its exam. The first was a brutal written test/clash royale, and the second was the exhibition matches. The jounin didn't get to watch the students via video screens, due again to the lack of funding. The arena did, however, have one-way glass through which they could keep an eye on their students.

"Aren't you worried?" Kurenai (who was thankfully normal, though it was debatable if her bandage-dress was ever truly normal) sauntered towards him.

"Nope!" said Kakashi cheerfully.

"Why not?" Asuma puffed at his cigarette as he joined his girlfriend.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "My team consists of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. I'm more concerned about the other teams surviving _them_."

_Especially Gaara. Poor kid. He won't know what hit him._

Asuma blew out a cloud of smoke. "Good point."

Kurenai stepped back. "Wait, _that_ Sakura?"

"You've heard of her?" Kakashi asked, frowning.

"Who hasn't?" Kurenai looked disturbed. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too."

The three jonin had a moment of silence for the genin who would be inevitably traumatized by Sakura.

"Anyway," said Asuma, once they had properly mourned, "it seems like Itachi doesn't share your opinion." He motioned towards the Uchiha, who was staring at the glass like she could burn it with her very eyes. Which she, uh, _could_ , but that was besides the point. Technically, Itachi wasn't a teacher and shouldn't be here, but who was going to tell her no?

"What can I say?" Kakashi's voice was the paragon of innocence. "She's just a little overprotective of her little brother."

Which, in hindsight, was pretty reasonable. And it would _still_ be reasonable if this chuunin exam was anything like the one that had happened in Konoha. Kakashi just hoped that there wouldn't be an invasion. There probably wouldn't be—why would Orochimaru want to invade a desert?

Then again, the universe _did_ love proving him wrong...

* * *

Kabuto pushed up his glasses. "Orochimaru-sama, why are we going to Suna, again?" At the Sannin's glare, he quickly backpedaled. "I mean, not that I'm questioning your impeccable judgement, my lord… but it's a desert. Why are we invading a desert?"

Orochimaru chuckled darkly. "A certain _dog_ insulted me. It's time to teach him a lesson in respecting his elders." His chuckle turned into an all-out cackle that echoed ominously through the trees. "Besides, it's always good to visit family… though the reunion won't last very wrong. My snakes are feeling a little _hungry_."

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : What a wonderful way to start 2017! This chapter has been brought to you by my cold and procrastination. Anyways, Happy New Year, everyone! Woo. Hopefully, I'll finish this story before the year ends... wish me luck. (In a commen, hopefully? Ha. Ha ha.) Anyway, thank you for your constant support! 
> 
> Much thanks to Duesal Bladesinger and Igornerd for looking it over. Really, they're the best. The quality of this story has been much improved by them.
> 
> In the next chapter, we have the chuunin exams! And Chaos (capitalization intentional)! Yeah, the E̜̮̜̙n̮̳̫̳͈͎d͚͘ i̴̹͘s̨̗͍̯ͅ ̸̨̲͕̗̠͞N̛͠͏̰̳͙̲͇̩i̺̣͉͎͈͡g̢͔͕̝͔͍̗̥̞͡͞h̙̞͜.


	13. Still No Trees in the Desert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuunin Exams: Cheap Suna Edition. Part 1.

**Chapter Thirteen: Still No Trees in the Desert**

* * *

Watching kids take an exam was incredibly boring, even if they were ninja-kids who were doing their best to kill each other. Beside Konoha's four teams, there were six teams from Suna, three from Kumo, two from Iwa, and two from Kiri. The teams from the other major villages were full of people that Kakashi didn't recognize—the Kazekage's kids excepted—so they were obviously unimportant.

There were no teams from the minor villages, because it was _Suna_. Kakashi frowned and squinted. Wait, there _was_ one team from a minor village: Sound. Well, that wasn't at all suspicious, considering that Kabuto of all people was in it. As well as a pale girl that looked rather like Orochimaru. Kakashi would have to keep an eye on them, even if an invasion was extremely unlikely.

The goal of the exam was to answer the questions and turn it in as fast as possible; only the first six teams with correct answers would be allowed to continue to the next exam. Right now, all the kids were furiously cheating and scribbling on the paper. Kakashi peered through the window. His team wasn't even copying off others. Instead, they were transcribing Sakura's string of hand signals. Kakashi blinked. Wait a minute, her hand signals were ANBU-exclusive. How did she… How did _they_ know that?

"APOLOGIES FOR MY LATENESS!" shouted Gai, bursting in through the door. All the foreign jounin-sensei recoiled, cursed, or prayed to the gods for mercy. Considering that they were all paid killers, said mercy was unlikely… but they tried. The Konoha nin simply winced at the exuberant Rainbow Beast, somewhat desensitized. "I was unaccountably detained on the Road of Life!"

Kakashi twitched at the excuse.

"How so?" asked Asuma, unable to help himself. All the other ninja glared at him.

"The call of Youth required me to share the Truth of Springtime with my students!"

Kakashi translated the Gai-speak and winced, interrupting him before he could continue the tirade. "You gave rainbow jumpsuits to your students?" He looked through the window. Yup. Team Gai was wearing matching jumpsuits.

"Indeed!"

Ignoring Gai's continued ranting, Kakashi ambled away to join Itachi. His team was the first to turn in the paper, and Naruto was now trying to keep Sakura from slaughtering the other teams to guarantee Team 7's passing. Unfortunately, from the height, Kakashi couldn't tell if the other Konoha rookies had experienced any changes—rainbow suits aside.

"My team did good," said Kakashi, feeling proud despite himself. "I bet they're all going to become chuunin."

_Sure, that hasn't happened since the Sannin, but Team 7 has always been scarier than them._

Itachi didn't take her eyes off Sasuke. "I do not know if they will pass," she said finally.

Kakashi turned to stare at her. "What?"

"They are rookies who have barely been ninja for two months. Their inexperience will be used against them."

He turned back to look at the exam below. Sasuke had set the other exam papers on fire, and Sakura was laughing maniacally, loud enough to be heard through the glass. Naruto began evacuating everyone else with his shadow clones while pleading with the other members of his team to stop. The genin who was obviously Orochimaru was staring at Sakura with unabashed shock.

"Really?" said Kakashi, dubious.

Itachi hesitated.

An explosion rocked the foundation of the building, shattering the glass windows. Toxic smoke poured into the room. Almost every single one of the jounin were caught off guard, and a cacophony of swears and shouts filled the room. Several fights broke out as honed reflexes misfired, leading to near- or not-so-near injuries. Baki attempted to calm the jounin-sensei, though his voice was barely heard through the din.

"I am blaming you." Itachi glared at him, stone-faced, as the smoke billowed around her like a shroud.

Kakashi winced. _Well, she's not entirely wrong,_ he thought. _Maybe I shouldn't have taught Sasuke how to set fangirls on fire._ He ran through several hand signs and conjured a blast of wind, timing it to enhance Asuma's own wind jutsu, and the resulting gale dispersed the smoke. Asuma frowned, clearly surprised by the intensity of the jutsu. Kakashi hid a smirk.

Unfortunately, Itachi was much more observant than Asuma.

"I was not aware that you were proficient with wind release," Itachi murmured. "You also used this jutsu during our mission at Wave." She gave him a slow look, her dark eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

He laughed sheepishly. _I don't think I picked up the fifth element until after Naruto returned from his training trip. Uh, oops._

"Oh, you know..." Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "I've been training."

She waited. He didn't elaborate.

"So," said Kakashi, elongating the word, "we should probably leave the building. Considering that it's on fire." He glanced at the window. "Especially since Sakura's pulled out more explosive tags—oh shit—"

* * *

Minato was supremely smug despite being threatened by by an incredibly furious Rasa.

"Your genin ruined my stadium!" she hissed, gold dust swirling around her. "It's gone! Unusable!"

"How is that my fault?" The Hokage crossed his arms. "It's just rookie hijinks!"

Rasa stared at him. "The team is from your village. Your son is on it. It's led by your former student. How is it _not_ your fault?

"Alright, fine," conceded Minato. "It may have been partially my responsibility," he chuckled, "but most genin can't blow up a reinforced stadium. Either Suna construction is shoddy, or my son and his team have the skill it takes to destroy—"

"We'll see how much skill it takes to destroy _you and your silly village._ " The dust began to spin faster around her. Her kohl-lined eyes flashed, but Minato's grin only grew wider.

"Might I remind you that all four of Konoha's teams made it to the finals? How many of your genin made it?" He tapped his chin. "Oh, right. Just one Suna team passed the first round, despite the exams being held in, oh, Suna."

Rasa visibly forced the gold dust back to the floor.

Minato frowned (though it was more of a pout). "Why'd you stop? I like your sparkles."

An explosion, slightly bigger than the previous one, rocked Suna for the third time that day.

* * *

The next round of the Suna exams took place in the open desert, probably to avoid further explosions damaging the village. It was a simple elimination tournament, one that the Suna officials insisted was the "second exam," though everyone knew that it was really just the prelims for the exhibition matches.

The first match was Ino vs Sakura, and Kakashi was struck by a sudden sense of deja-vu. _It seems like some things just don't change,_ he mused. Sakura seemed unfortunately eager for the match, which didn't bode well.

"Now, now, Sakura," said Kakashi, eyeing her, "let's not maim our fellow Konoha ninja, right?"

Sakura ignored him, deciding that licking her lips with a too-wide grin was a better use of her time. Empty-handed, she entered the hastily drawn circle that was the ring.

Kakashi glanced at Ino and froze. He blinked. Ino was a boy. At this point, Kakashi hoped he'd be immune to gender-change induced panic attacks, but Kakashi was still a little thrown. Now that he thought about it, this was the first female-to-male switch he'd seen.

_I'm not sure what the implications of that are…_

Beside him, Asuma chewed on his cigarette, scrutinizing the two genin for entirely different reasons (hopefully). "So, it's your student against mine. Normally, I'd say something about seeing who's a better teacher, but since it's Sakura we're talking about, I'll just leave it at that."

Kakashi nodded absently as he opened his book and skimmed the pages. "It must be nice having a team full of boys. Ino's probably not an obsessed fan, is he?"

His friend chuckled. "Who said Ino wasn't?"

"Really?" Kakashi looked up from his _Icha Icha_. "Huh, I guess that Sasuke's 'appeal' transcends—"

"Sasuke?" Asuma's expression was incredulous enough to be comical. "No, Ino's a fanboy of Sakura." He twitched. "Kind of. It's a little confusing."

Kakashi rubbed his ear. "Sorry, the explosions must have blown out my eardrums. I don't think I heard you correctly." He gave a weak laugh. "For a second, I thought you said that Ino was a fanboy of _Sakura_."

Asuma took a deep drag on his cigarette, exhaling smoke as he spoke. "No, you heard right. He's Sakura's fanboy."

Kakashi opened and closed his mouth. Once. Twice. He blinked. Kakashi smiled, then grimaced, and finally settled on a neutral expression. For ten seconds, he gathered his thoughts, musing them over with all his vaunted genius, calculating, creating connections with impeccable precision, before summing up his entire analysis.

"What."

Asuma rubbed his face, incredibly weary—looking a great deal like his late father. "Apparently, Ino used a mind-transfer jutsu on Sakura when they were still in the Academy. Ever since then, he'd been babbling about saving the sweet innocent girl hiding inside Sakura's mind. Or something. I'm not really sure." He sighed again. "Ino should know better. You can't fix someone with love. Especially not someone like _her_."

Kakashi opened and closed his mouth, but before he could ask questions, the two Kage finally showed up. Their clothes were torn up, as if they had been in a fight or explosion… which _had_ happened. But beyond that, they both looked oddly satisfied. And they were standing really close together, which made _no sense_ , because why would they ever stand next to each other? Or talk to each other? No reason. None at all.

_Spars can be incredibly cathartic,_ mused Kakashi. _And it isn't often that Minato gets to fight against a Kage-level opponent. Yup. That's what happened. They probably sparred._

"Let the match begin!" announced Rasa, running her hands through her messy hair and adjusting her clothing.

Ino and Sakura didn't need any further encouragement. The Yamanaka gi—boy. The Yamanaka boy tossed a few shuriken at Sakura. She simply tilted her head, letting the shuriken miss her by less than an hair.

"You monster!" snarled Ino as he sent another barrage. "I'm going to free the soul you trapped inside and give her body back!"

Sakura chuckled, reaching out and grabbing one of his weapons from the air. She examined the shuriken with a critical eye. With a shrug, Sakura tossed it to the side as she approached ever so slowly.

"Aw, are you concerned about poor little Inner?" She took another step. "You want to save her? You, the knight in shining armor?" Sakura spread apart her arms. "Be my guest."

Ino hesitated.

"Go on. Do it." Another step. "What are you waiting for?"

Face set with determination, the boy flashed through hand seals and called out, "Mind-Transfer Jutsu!"

He slumped to the floor. Sakura stood in place, the same small smile on her face, hands still spread apart. One second. Two. Three. The crowd murmured as the battlefield remained motionless. The proctor looked from one competitor to another, unsure of how to call the match.

Ino's body jerked and shuddered as his mind returned to his body. Then, he began to scream, loud enough to tear his throat apart. Ino scrabbled away from Sakura, still screaming.

"Those ch-chains!" he blubbered, scratching at his face. "How could you!" Ino's words fell apart into meaningless shrieking.

Sakura approached, relentless and slow as a glacier.

"No! Please!" begged Ino. "Someone help me! No, no, no!"

Her shadow fell over him, and her smile grew wider. The boy's eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he collapsed in a dead faint. Sakura continued her approach.

"Yamanaka Ino is unable to continue!" the proctor blurted quickly. "The match is over!"

Sakura's macabre grin swiveled over to the proctor, who flinched back. Sighing, Sakura stepped out of the ring. Everyone, including the medics, stared at the unconscious genin in horrified silence before coming to their senses.

"Wow," said Asuma, whose cigarette had fallen out of his mouth (several times) during the course of the short match. "I didn't think it was possible for her to get worse… but I guess you did it. Good job, Kakashi. I think you've doomed us all."

Kakashi stared at his team—Naruto and Sasuke were cautiously congratulating their giggling teammate. She looked perfectly at ease, as if she hadn't just irrevocably traumatized a fellow Konoha ninja.

"You know," Kakashi replied slowly, "I think you might be right."

* * *

None of the other matches were quite as… horrifying as the first one. Kabuto immediately surrendered when he was matched up against totally-not-girl-Orochimaru, Sasuke's match against Chouji was over so quick that the Akimichi might as well have surrendered, and Shikamaru forfeited halfway through his match with Kankuro. (Asuma grumbled a bit about his team dropping out in the first round, but his annoyance had a thick undercurrent of relief.)

Naruto's fight against Kiba _would_ have been as quick as his teammates' had he not stopped to engage in a boasting match. (Seriously, that boy would never learn… but those same mid-battle conversations had saved the world more than once, so Kakashi couldn't really judge.) In the end, Naruto won with a quick knockout punch.

Threethree or Tenten or whatever won against the nameless Sound shinobi, but Temari won in a close match against Lee. Gaara and Shino's was an incredibly boring fight, where both boys stood across from each other, throwing waves of sand and bugs at each other until Shino gave up.

The final match, however, was the one that gave Kakashi another, severe sense of deja-vu in exactly the wrong ways.

* * *

Hinata and Neji stood across from each other. Neji's forehead was bare, but Hinata had worn her forehead protecter, well, across her forehead. (Unlike a great deal of ninja, which begged the question of why they still called it a forehead protector, but that was beside the point.)

"Hello, cousin. Before we begin, I have a question." A scowl twisted Hinata's face. "How does it feel to be a thief?"

Neji raised his hands in the traditional Gentle Fist style. "I stole nothing."

"Y-You stole my birthright!" she snarled. "And now, you _will_ get what you deserve." Her stance mirrored his. "Admit it! You were never meant to be the heir! You're _inferior_."

"You can't change fate, Hinata." Neji's sneer grew. "And fate willed that I'd get what I deserve. I don't want to hurt you. Forfeit now. People can't change, and you will never change from that shy little girl. You aren't strong enough to avenge our clan. You aren't strong enough to defeat _me_."

_The serious monologue is somewhat ruined by Neji's rainbow jumpsuit. I wonder if that was Gai's intention?_

"I saw your eyes drift to the—"

"You know that the match began two minutes ago, right?" interrupted the proctor.

"You see, but you don't understand." The chakra coils on her face bulged as Hinata activated her byakugan. "I had to fight for every scrap after the clan abandoned me for you _._ I had to fight for me and my sister, for everything, unlike _you._ The pampered new heir. You'll find that I've changed—"

"Dammit, just start already!" The proctor crossed his arms. "Seriously, if you don't fight in the next ten seconds then I'm disqualifying the two of you. Crazy Konoha ninja…" he added under his breath.

"Yeah!" shouted Naruto from his sand dune. "You're both boring assholes that never shut up! Come on, hurry up and punch each other!"

"Like you're one to talk." Sasuke rolled his eyes and ignored his teammate's half-hearted punch.

Neji finally made the first move, beginning with a quick jab towards Hinata's head. She dodged and retaliated with a strike to his chest, which he blocked with the flat of his palm. Each attack sent a shockwave through the sand. They continued like that, neither gaining the upper hand (literally), until Hinata _kicked_. Caught off guard, Neji blocked with his arm—which promptly fell to his side, useless.

"You blocked my tenketsu with your feet!?" Neji jumped back, byakugan temporarily deactivating with shock.

"That's right, cousin," she mocked. "You stayed the same. I've been working all this time while you've done nothing but _stagnate._ Much like our dear clan."

_That's definitely not the Hinata I remember._ Kakashi blinked. _At this point in time, she was Naruto's shy stalker._ Which reminded him… _Does she still have a crush on Naruto? I'm not sure. If she does… poor boy._

Hinata doubled the intensity of her attacks, and now with one arm, Neji was hard-pressed to defend. Desperately, he attempted a neutered version of Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms. Sand erupted around the two Hyuuga, blasting the spectators and covering them with a fine layer of grit. Despite the power of his attack, Neji was forced to abandon it halfway when Hinata blocked it and threw him off-balance. Now immobilized, Neji was helpless.

Hinata pulled her arm back, and with a burst of chakra, struck Neji in the chest.

"You just don't get it, do you?" she said to Neji's unconscious body, which sort of defeated the point. "You'll never win. You're too weak."

"Hey!" shouted Naruto. "You can't just punch people in the heart! Especially if they're Konoha ninja!"

Hinata crossed her arms. "What do _you_ know?" she sneered. "You're just a spoiled little prince. You've never experienced true suffering."

"You can't talk to me like that! No one can talk to me like that except Sasuke and Sakura!" Naruto pointed at her, face scrunched up. "I'm gonna get you for that!"

The (conscious) Hyuuga laughed. "Don't talk to me about vengeance. You don't understand the depths of my need for revenge!"

_Holy shit._ Kakashi looked from Sasuke to Hinata. _There's two of them! Wait, no. Sasuke's not an avenger here. Well… he keeps trying to avenge his sister's virtue, but I don't think that counts._ He let out a sigh of relief. The universe (or Kakashi) could only tolerate one over-the-top vengeance seeker at a time.

"Alright," the proctor grumbled, "the match is over. There's no need for _any_ talking."

Rasa scoffed. "Your genin have issues."

Minato looked offended at that, but he struggled to come up with a proper response. Probably because she was right.

* * *

"So," drawled Kakashi, staring at his team now that they were back in Suna proper. "Congrats on making it this far. Team 7 is the only Konoha team to make it to the final stage with all three of its members. Nice teamwork!"

"But it wasn't teamwork." Sasuke frowned. "The second exam is only individual matches, sensei."

Kakashi, obviously, ignored his adorable genin. "Everyone important is coming to watch, so you better make Konoha proud. You all have two weeks before the final stage. You won't know who your opponent is until then, but you should still prepare. Any plans?"

"Probably train with my dad," said Naruto.

"And I will train with my sister," Sasuke added.

Kakashi brightened. _Right, everyone's family is still alive. I don't have to do any work, then!_ "Well, I guess I'll just—"

"Train me!" Sakura interrupted cheerfully, clinging on to Kakashi's arm. "Unlike the others, I don't have any super-powerful relatives to mooch off!"

_Bullshit_ , thought Kakashi, eyeing her hair.

"You can show me your sharingan and maybe even some cool jutsu… like, I don't know, the chidori?" continued Sakura. "You have to pass it down to at least _one_ of your students." She grinned, displaying all her teeth. "Please?

"Well-gotta-go-sensei-I'm-gonna-go-to-my-dad-bye-guys!" Naruto blurted out, quickly disappearing. With a grunt that basically meant the same thing, Sasuke also made himself scarce.

"It'll be like a sleepover!" Her voice was saccharine sweet. "Just you… and me… for two weeks. Together."

Kakashi gulped.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duesal Bladesinger and Igornerd rock for being my beta-readers. Also, the fic should be done in two chapters. Hopefully. Maybe. Thank you for your support, everyone.


	14. Do Cacti Count as Trees?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: No

 

Asuma, Kakashi, and Kurenai sat in the hotel room, complaining about their students over drinks. Well, Itachi was there too, because which self-preserving person would tell her she couldn't? All the jounin had been complaining  _a lot_ , and they may or may not have been very drunk. Actually, they were extremely drunk, though everyone refused to accept it.

Kurenai held her head in her hands. "You know, I always wanted to be a jounin-sensei," she mumbled, eyeing the shot glass. "I was so happy to get a team. I just… I just didn't expect my team to be so unstable. I've got an a loudmouth Inuzuka, an Aburame, and Hyuuga-fucking-Hinata, avenger extraordinaire. It's such a  _mess_."

"Tell me about it." Kakashi didn't sigh, but it was a close thing. "I didn't expect the team to be worse than before, you know. It was already dysfunctional the last time around. Though their teamwork's now great, I'm left fearing for the world's safety." He blinked and hastily added, "You know, with the Chuunin Exams really pushing everything into overdrive. Yeah."

Asuma, on the other hand,  _did_  sigh. "Kids, man. The next generation of ninja is so batshit crazy."

"However, that is mainly Kakashi's fault. It always is." Itachi's words were met with vehement agreement by both Asuma and Kurenai. Kakashi ignored them. They were obviously jealous.

"Did I say…" Asuma blinked and frowned. "Did I say that the next generation is batshit crazy already? 'Cause they totally are."

"Shut up, Asuma." Kurenai jabbed a finger in his direction, though with how drunk she was, she ended up pointing at Itachi. "You don't get to complain. Your kids are all stable—"

"Which is probably why they all flunked out," mused Kakashi.

"—and were practically raised to have perfect teamwork." Kurenai scowled and inched away from Asuma, but her expression would be more threatening had she not been sitting in his lap. "I'd  _kill_  to make my team that sane."

"Hey, I'm pretty sure that liking Sakura is a clear measure of instability!" Asuma said.

Everyone fell silent for a moment as they contemplated his protest. He had a very valid point. Kakashi had to admit that, even if grudgingly.

"Alright, Asuma, you get complaining privileges again." Kakashi nodded his head in a very authoritative (and  _not_  drunk, thank you very much) manner. "But you don't get to complain about your kids being in the Chuunin Exams, because they all failed."

Asuma seemed a little miffed at that, but he simply sipped his drink a little more.

"It's so nice to do this," said Kurenai, filling the silence. "Gathering together without a war happening. Though… wait." She looked around, realization dawning. "Where's Gai—"

"Don't summon him!" hissed Asuma and Kakashi at the same time. Kakashi took cover under the table, and Asuma attempted to follow him before remembering that Kurenai was still sitting on his lap.

"Training," Itachi answered for them. "His kunoichi student is still in the exam, and I believe he is making her do laps around the village."

"Of course he is." Kurenai leaned against Asuma and groaned. "That man doesn't quit, huh? Even when it concerns his students." Her gaze turned coy as she lowered her lashes. "I can't say that I'm much different. I've been training Hinata pretty hard, though she's never needed much motivation for that."

Kakashi snorted at her ill-disguised brag.

"Shut it, Kakashi." Kurenai frowned at him. "You have it easy. Everyone else does your teaching for you. Speaking of which..." She turned to Itachi. "How is Sasuke's training coming along?"

"Very well." Itachi's blank gaze seemed a touch pleased. "His progress has been more than adequate."

"Hey!" Kakashi responded a tad late as he crawled out from under the table. "I don't slack off on  _everything_. Sure, Itachi's teaching Sasuke, and Minato-sensei's teaching Naruto, but I've still been training Sakura."

Asuma winced, and Kurenai made unintelligible noises of sympathy. Itachi suddenly frowned and looked very suspicious.

"How's  _that_ been?" asked Asuma.

Kakashi actually did sigh. "It's… It's been—"

"Absolutely wonderful!" squealed Sakura, draping her arm around Kakashi's neck.

Asuma and Kurenai both overreacted with shock, Asuma flailing around for his trench knives and Kurenai casting and cancelling various genjutsu. Itachi, on the other hand, seemed completely unsurprised, but she frowned and activated her sharingan regardless.

_I really regret leaving the safety of the table_ , Kakashi thought with a wince. Sadly, over the last two weeks, he'd gotten used to having no privacy as Sakura attempted to steal his eye and/or learn from him. He'd been successful at avoiding the first but not so successful at avoiding the second. Kakashi still refused to teach her chidori, though. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to teach kids, especially  _her_ , assassination jutsu…

"Sakura-chan." Itachi's greeting was stiff and formal.

Asuma's, on the other hand, was not so kind.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he yelped, a thin coating of wind chakra flickering over his blades.

"Stealth training!" Sakura beamed as she tugged on her bandages.

"She's been stalking me," said Kakashi at the same time. To himself, he muttered, "I'm getting so much deja-vu."

He wasn't quiet enough, unfortunately, so both Sakura and Itachi sent him twin glares. Kakashi wasn't sure whose was scarier.

"Stealth training, is it?" Kurenai's normally elegant smile was a tad shaky. "Do you plan on using that approach in the final rounds?

"Nope!" Sakura seemed more thoughtful than manic. "I'll probably terrify them into submission instead."

Her arm snaked further around Kakashi's shoulder, and her fingers reached for his headband, itching for the sharingan underneath. With honed instincts and exasperation, Kakashi batted her fingers away for the thousandth time.

"Bad Sakura!" He flicked her on the forehead just as she turned her gaze towards Itachi's still-red eyes. "What did Itachi and I tell you about eye theft?"

She grumbled but said, "To reserve it for filthy non-Konoha ninja."

"Exactly."

Next to Kakashi, Itachi nodded with approval. It had taken some…  _convincing_ from the both of them, but Sakura had eventually learned the lesson that her probable relative hadn't. (Actually, now that he thought about it, Kakashi really had to get back to Tsunade and make sure. At this point, he didn't know what was worse: Sakura being related to Danzo, or Sakura  _not_  being related to Danzo.)

Kurenai opened and closed her mouth before faintly saying, "I see. You've been learning some, uh, interesting things." She blinked. "Well I'm sure you'll do well, no matter what approach you take."

"You bet!" Sakura showed her teeth in something that was definitely not a smile. "I just can't  _wait._ "

* * *

Kakashi's two weeks of hell were over. They were finally at the rebuilt stadium, which was bigger and grander than before. Ninja could use earth jutsu, so why the hell would it take a longer than two weeks? Considering the frequency that buildings were blown up and villages destroyed, they had plenty of experience. The shimmering, gold-painted seats were packed with merchants and nobles; the higher up they sat, the richer they were. At the very top were the Kage, though only three were present—Minato, Rasa, and  _Yagura_ , of all people.

After an overly dramatic entrance involving fireballs, the proctor, whose name resembled Pakkun's to an uncomfortable degree, announced the matchups. (Kakashi was a little miffed that  _she'd_  gotten the dramatic entrance. That was his job. Suna would probably attack him if he tried it, but still. He'd lost his chance this time; he'd only been five minutes late due to the unlikely possibility of an invasion.) The first "matchup" had Kankuro with a bye. That brought grumbles of favoritism by the non-Suna ninja, but favoritism was basically a fact of ninja life.

The first actual battle, which had Tenten vs Temari, went basically as before, though Temari dominated even more. Not only did she have a giant fan to blow away all the weapons that Tenten threw, but Temari also had magnet release. It… did not go well for Tenten. Gai sobbed about tears of Youth, but he hurriedly assured his student that he was proud of her with a gigantic hug. Because the two were still in the  _fucking rainbow jumpsuits oh god please_ , Kakashi and everyone present erased the touching scene from their memories.

The second match was Naruto against Hinata, which made Kakashi either want to laugh hysterically or bang his head against the seat. Instead, he gave a thumbs-up as his knucklehead student rushed into the arena. Then, Kakashi settled into his seat, eager to watch the show.

This was going to be an absolute trainwreck, but  _damn_  if it wasn't going to be an entertaining one.

* * *

Naruto pointed dramatically at Hinata. "I'm going to avenge Neji, just so you know!"

Hinata's white eyes narrowed. "Don't speak to me about revenge. You don't understand. You never will." She held her hands out in front of her in the loose style that the Hyuuga favored. "B-Besides, Neji's not dead. You can't avenge the living."

"That's what  _you_  think." Naruto paused and frowned. "Wait, wait, no. I didn't mean it like that. Neji's still alive. I meant the part about avenging the living? You know, since you said that I can't…" He flailed a bit as he tried to figure out what to say. "And… uh, I don't like people telling me what I can't do! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, believe it!" He brightened. "Yeah, like that one time my dad told me I couldn't eat fifteen bowls of ramen and…"

In the stands, Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I can't believe that I'm on a team with that idiot. He'd better win, though. People consumed by revenge are pathetic." He gave a decisive nod. "That's what my sister told me."

Kakashi burst into giggles at this, but his adorable students ignored him, thoroughly desensitized to his behavior. Itachi, however, gave him a weird look.

"And she's  _never_  wrong," mocked Sakura, dodging Sasuke's kick. "But I agree with you. Naruto will make us look bad if he loses. I'll beat him up if he doesn't win!"

Sasuke nodded, though he gave her a wary glance. "And then we'll get revenge on Hinata."

"Exactly."

Itachi gave a short sigh. "I think he missed the point of my lecture," she murmured.

"Your lecture?" Kakashi peeked over his latest book,  _Icha Icha Next Generation,_ which also didn't exist in his world; Jiraiya had written a prequel instead.

"Yes, the one on the futility of revenge and the cycle of hatred. I give it to all the younger Uchiha before they enter the Academy." She frowned at him. "Don't you remember? You helped with the last one."

_It's a really good idea, considering the clan's track record,_  thought Kakashi. He scratched his head at her suspicious look and turned to his students.

"Aww, I'm so glad that you decided to put aside your differences to prey upon other Konoha ninja!" He ruffled their hair. "Remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do." Kakashi frowned. "Actually, scratch that."

Before Kakashi could give his genin more detailed restrictions, the proctor had gotten tired of Naruto's ongoing speech and demanded that they start. Hinata wasted no time, lunging for him, fingers outstretched. With a puff of smoke, twenty Narutos appeared in front of her. She was initially slowed by the barrage, but after discovering that it only took a quick poke to dispel the clones, she returned to her former speed.

"Ha ha!" said three Naruto's from behind her. Together, they were making a rasengan.

Kakashi blinked.  _Minato-sensei taught him it already?_  He, and most of the stadium, turned their gaze to the Yondaime—whose expression was a mixture of surprise, pride, and sheepishness.

Hinata backed away at the sight of a spinning sphere of chakra-death, her anger fading into wariness. Well, that was probably a good decision. Kakashi supposed that the rasengan was even more infamous since Minato was still alive.

"Whatcha gonna do now?" the Narutos taunted as they approached her. "Neji, this is for you!"

Lightning fast, Hinata dashed forward. Her outstretched fingers  _stabbed_  at his hand, and the rasengan flew to the side, blasting a chunk of the wall. Two Naruto clones dispersed due to the sheer force of the explosion.

"Huh," said the remaining Naruto, staring at the hole. "I didn't know you could do that."

Even Hinata looked surprised for a moment, blinking at him instead of immediately going on the offensive. Naruto was the first to make use of the lull. He brought his hands together, took a deep breath, and spit a burst of water straight into her face.

Her eyes narrowed as the anger returned tenfold. She stood, shaking, as water dripped from her soaked hair and clothes, gathering into a puddle by her feet.

"Oh, shit."

("Language!" barked Minato from the stands.)

Hinata began chasing him, her jabs becoming jyuuken grabby hands. Just as Naruto gained enough distance, Hinata flickered in front of him and kicked him hard enough to break his ribs—had Naruto not burst into smoke.

Hands erupted from the ground, grabbing Hinata and pulling her into the ground. Hinata, of course, did the reasonable thing and jyuuken-ed the hands… also turning them into smoke. Instead of being submerged to her head, Hinata was only trapped until her knees. That too was easily solved with a rendition of the Eight Trigrams Palms: Revolving Heaven. The audience murmured and coughed as, for the second time this battle, a pressure wave of dirt was thrown into the air. The dust settled, and a perfectly round crater stretched around Hinata. Fifty Naruto clones burst out of the ground, and the battle resumed.

"She's really good," murmured Sasuke, contemplative. "I guess the rumors about her strength weren't so exaggerated."

Sakura scoffed, but it wasn't as dismissive as it could have been. "I could take her." She whipped her head to stare at Sasuke. "You aren't interested in her, are you?"

Sasuke turned pale. "Please don't hurt me."

(Itachi's sharingan activated, and Kakashi was beginning to be seriously concerned. For who exactly, he didn't really know, but he was  _concerned_ , dammit!)

"Actually…" Sakura tapped her chin, contemplative, "she also has an ocular bloodline. If you really insist, I wouldn't mind her as our concubine."

"Wow, Sakura, that's messed up." Naruto squeezed between the two, which was probably for the best, considering that Sasuke was beginning to hyperventilate. "No, seriously, that's super messed up. Sure, Hinata's a little weird and angsty, but I don't think she deserves  _that._ "

Out of reflex, Sakura punched him. He didn't pop. Instead, he cursed and rubbed his arm.

"Naruto," said Sasuke, giving him a look that was both baffled and grateful. "What are you  _doing_ here?"

Naruto shrugged, mumbling something about needing to rescue his best friend.

Sakura sniffed. "Well, you're down to ten clones. If you want to win and  _not_  completely disgrace Team 7, you'd better get back in there."

Frowning, Naruto squinted at the stadium. "Huh I guess you're right." With a couple hand signs, Naruto substituted with one of his clones down below. Suddenly, the field was again awash with more clones.

"I swear," Sakura said, rolling her eyes, "can he do anything besides making shadow clones?"

"There's that water jutsu," Sasuke offered. "And that other water jutsu. Well, now there's the rasengan..."

Speaking of which, Naruto had conjured several rasengan using his clones.

"Guess what! I know the rasengan, now!" announced Naruto a little belatedly, considering that he'd already used it several times during the battle. "So take that!"

Hinata narrowed her bulging eyes. "Y-You're not the only one who knows advanced techniques!" She fell into the stance that preceded the Eight Trigrams Palms Revolving Heaven.

With a roar, the multiple Narutos leaped at her with a rasengan. Hinata spun, creating a tight sphere of chakra—

… and promptly slipped on a puddle of water created by Naruto's earlier water jutsu.

Naruto didn't fail to take advantage. One clone held her down, and the other two held a rasengan above her head.

"Forfeit!" he yelled.

The proctor watched, body tense as she prepared to call the match.

Hinata snarled. Her byakugan bulged again, and her hand darted upwards, right towards Naruto's face. She squawked, taken completely off guard by different pair of hands that burst out of the ground, pulling her head straight down into the dirt.

_Hinata_ , Kakashi mused,  _now resembles a turnip._ Her legs dangled in the air as the rest of her flailed underground.

"Match goes to Uzumaki Naruto!" shouted the proctor, and the stadium burst into raucous, thunderous celebration. Minato, of course, was the loudest.

While the proctors began digging Hinata out, Naruto joined the rest of his team. Kakashi crinkled his eyes, clasping his student on the shoulder.

"Well done."

"Thanks, sensei!" Beaming, Naruto flashed a thumbs up at his teammates.

Sasuke nudged his friend in response. "I knew you could do it."

"I didn't, but it was a pleasant surprise." Sakura flipped her hair. "Good job with not disgracing us."

The Suna ninja had finished restoring the stadium with earth jutsu, and the proctor brought everyone's attention back with another flashy fire jutsu.

"The next match," she announced, "will be Gaara of the Sand versus Haruna Sakura."

_Well, shit._

* * *

Kakashi turned his attention to his student's opponent. He was currently staring at Sakura with wide, blank eyes.

"Mother. I want her," he said loudly, tone as flat as his eyes.

So Gaara still spoke to Shukaku, huh—

"Knock yourself out. We have to learn from our own mistakes," sighed Rasa. Oh, right. Gaara actually  _had_  a mother. "Remember what I told you about the crazy ones?"

"Take them to bed because they make the strongest children?"

"Exactly."

Beside Rasa, Minato smacked his forehead loud enough to be heard throughout the stadium. He began to say something about parenting, but he quickly gave up, realizing that it was a lost cause. The two borderline-psychopathic genin (or so Kakashi assumed; Gaara seemed pretty well-adjusted, actually, the whole "wanting Sakura" thing aside) made their way to the Arena.

Sakura stood in her usual, relaxed position, but her grin was too large to be natural. Gaara yawned, but his eyes were still intensely focused on his current fixation.

"Begin!"

Gaara made the first move, gently sending a weak wave of sand. That was lackluster. Kakashi paused. Oh, dear, he wasn't going  _easy_  on her because of his crush, was he? Poor, poor Gaara. Well, he'd brought it on himself.

Sakura hopped over the pathetic sliver of sand and dashed towards him, kunai drawn. He sent a stronger wave, and Sakura easily dodged and retaliated by throwing a kunai behind him. She flickered in front of him, and with a perfect substitution, switched places with her kunai. Weapon in hand, Sakura lunged. Caught of guard, he reacted with true, powerful blast of sand. Undaunted, Sakura simply  _chakra-walked_ up the looming wall of sand. With a quick flip, she was behind his defense. Gaara blinked, seemingly impressed, but that was quickly pushed aside as Sakura began a barrage of attacks.

In all Kakashi's time of teaching her, Sakura had never used more than the basic Academy three, plus-or-minus the occasional genjutsu or technique that Kakashi had taught her. Despite that, she'd managed to put a  _jinchuuriki_  on defense.

"That's… pretty terrifying," he mumbled to himself. Itachi inclined her head, her sharingan activated as she watched—something she hadn't done for any match prior.

Gaara grew more and more terrified as he sent wave after wave of sand, attempting to engulf her or hit her or even touch her, but Sakura was  _too fast_. Her reaction time increased with each attack, outspeeding the sand defense by a larger and larger margin, and just as she stabbed downwards with a kunai—

An explosion wracked the stadium, and Kakashi had never seen anyone look as relieved as Gaara to see an invading force of S-ranked ninja.

Down came Konan, flying from the hole in the ceiling like an angel with paper wings. In her arms was Pein. Kakashi grimaced, remembering what had happened the last time they'd met. Dying hadn't been very pleasant. That aside, the two Akatsuki were recognizable and matched his memory of them. It was a small consolation, but Kakashi would take what he could get.

"Hi guys!" shouted Pein, smiling brightly. "How's it going? We're here to steal the jinchuuriki! It's gonna be super awesome, since three of y'all are conveniently in one place!"

Kakashi opened and closed his mouth, deciding that it'd be best for his sanity to completely ignore Pein's obnoxious cheerfulness. This version had a little too much Uzumaki in him. Yeah, that seemed like a good explanation. Satisfied, Kakashi scanned the stadium, noting that the rest of the Akatsuki had appeared in strategic locations throughout the stadium. They were too far away to examine for differences, which was probably for the best.

"Oh, and I have another announcement!" Pein snapped his fingers, and Konan spun in the air, sending flyers everywhere.

Kakashi grabbed one and stared.

"AKATSUKI: S RANK NIN AT DISCOUNT!" it read.

"And guess what!" Pein spread his arms. "If you use the promo code CHUUNIN EXAM, you'll receive fifteen percent off!"

That was the last straw. Affronted by their blatant undercutting of prices, the ninja in the stadium burst into action, and the stadium erupted into pandemonium.

Kakashi groaned. Fucking hell. An  _invasion_. Of course, the universe had to throw the Akatsuki at him just to prove him wrong. Why did he even bother anymore? It was time he'd accepted the truth.

The universe would go to any length to make his life hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending will probably be two maybe three chapter away, dependent on whether not there's a epilogue. This has been brought to you by the great betas Duesal Bladesinger and Igornerd, as usual.


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